


Love and War

by Coby_Thinks



Series: L.A.W. AU [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationship, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Human AU, M/M, Multi, Toxic Relationship, Unsympathetic Patton, Whump, fluff as well tho, yeet lets do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2020-11-15 07:09:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 51,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20862245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coby_Thinks/pseuds/Coby_Thinks
Summary: Roman has bad luck when it comes to love. With his first serious boyfriend rejecting his full identity, and the second one rejecting him as a whole, he has the bad habit of sticking around until it's much too late to split up naturally and safely. He thinks the third time is the charm when he meets three boyfriends and falls in love almost immediately. But his bad luck comes to light once again when one of them becomes another person when they’re alone. Will he manage to find a way out, or will he just get pulled deeper into a toxic relationship he never wanted?Dun DUn DunnnnWARNINGS: unsympathetic Patton, toxic/abusive morince, general whumpy angstinessyee





	1. Character Descriptions

Aight so I don't think this format will do well with my drawings of the characters - which I'll be posting onto my Tumblr @cobythinks today sometime - so I'm just gonna give you a brief rundown of what they all look like just so everything makes sense!

**Roman Tower**

Protagonist (main character-ish it's only in his POV but still 3rd person idk okay). Is a writer and actor, but mainly becomes a young adult author as he graduates college (y'all will see). Works at a bookstore for most of this book, is an obnoxious sweetheart. He always says 'it could be worse' and this gets him into some... not great situations (you all read the summary before entering you know what I mean.) Suffers from PTSD (from previous relationships, and his brother committing suicide when they were teenagers), PTSD nightmares (different from other nightmares I done research) and struggles with self-harm.

He's five feet short, he's got the curly red hair, pale skin, freckles, green eyes, skinny look going for him and always wears either a baseball tee or a jacket because his upper arms are very scarred from self-harm,

Cisgender, sex-repulsed/sex-negative asexual, gayromantic, hopeless romantic tbh, and polyamorous

**Remy Smith**

is Roman's best friend from the very start of the book (maybe queerplatonic but they don't really label it). Is a therapist, obsessed with coffee and kindof a bitch when he isn't with his clients (he's not gonna be mean guys chill). Gets kinda pissed at Roman for letting life get to him like it does, but is really just super protective of his boy and would literally kill anyone who hurts Roman. (oof)

five feet and a few inches - idk he's taller than Roman - only buys clothes from thrift stores because he CAN and because money is a thing. Leather jackets, sunglasses, mismatched converse, etc. brown hair and brown eyes (dyes hair magenta in the second book but that's not finished yet). always has a latte and only takes his sunglasses off when things get serious or he's super upset.

Cisgender, aromantic, pansexual and a bit of a ho but like in a good way we luv him.

**Logan Walker**

First of the three that Roman meets - a complete sweetheart. a gentle giant. an old soul. however you say it, that's him. Loves learning ANYTHING!! is a computer programmer for his own website-building kinda company thing (idk how those work but he is the owner of it so it's FINE) that he started with Virgil! Is also a low-key badass - will NOT take any SHIT from ANYONE as he's dealt with enough shiz trying to be successful in this racist-ass world. was adopted as a baby, his moms are amazing.

Is black (mixed), six foot six, NOT a basketball player, gorgeous brown eyes, basically looks like Thomas's friend Leo with black hair that used to be in dreadlocks, but he cut it short after no one would take him seriously in a professional setting. Wears mostly polos, and sometimes a unicorn onesie for movie nights.

Cisgender, bisexual but leans more toward guys, polyamorous.

**Virgil Tajelle**

Is an emo mess but in the best way. Black is a personality trait. Graphic designer for his and Logans' company, and the one thing that isn't his emo aesthetic is his bright green phone case because he kept losing it in his drawers of darkness. Also a writer, but never publishes anything as he's too much of an anxious mess to do that. It actually the best hugger of any character in the book, and is secretly very muscular under his sweatshirts and shiz.

six feet tall, of Polynesian descent but has very pretty gray eyes, dyes his hair purple because he can, always wears black and SOMETIMES a maroon beanie but its mostly black.

Transgender, demi-sexual, gay, polyamorous.

**Patton Steele**

Get ready to hate Patton from this universe. The guys a dick. Not gonna lie. he's the worst in this fic. if you don't like unsympathetic Patton, this ain't for you. Check out some of my other stories tho cuz I love Patt tbh. Acts like a complete ball of sunshine around almost everyone - until he wants something*coughsexcough* and is refused. Thinks very highly of himself, and believes he is always right. Teaches middle school history.

Five foot six-ish. Blond. white, blue eyes. a bit chubby and soft looking which does not make it seem like he's any less of a puffball angel even though he is NOT

Cisgender, gay, polyamorous.

Aight there are other people like OCs and stuff but those are the main fahm for this book. I will be posting the first three chapters today as well!


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a bit of Roman's Backstory before starting up the main arch! ^-^  
WARNINGS: self-deprecation, toxic/abusive relationships, non-con/coerced-consent, acephobia

Since he heard the word and its meaning, Roman had known he was Polyamorous. It just made sense, really. He’d been perfectly fine being in relationships with only one person, but he knew it in the back of his head that if he found the right people, he’d love to have them all to be his boyfriends. 

Roman knew he was Asexual since even before he learned what that was. Ever since he’d learned what sex was - before he even knew he was gay - the idea of sex just seemed awful. And part of him, as he discovered romantic feelings for a man in his first year of college, wondered if it was because he’d only allowed himself to think about it with girls. But as he started dating, expressing himself as rampantly homosexual, he found this certainly wasn’t the case. 

Not just sex, either. Any kind of too-intimate touching was a no-go for him. It just felt weird and made him feel sick to his stomach, and he hated it. And so he researched, finding the Asexual spectrum a welcome relief from confusion and self-hatred and doubt. Sex-repulsed. There. Words for it. And it was normal, and there were others like him.

But when Roman brought this up to his boyfriend at the time, it did not go as well as he’d want it to.

“No, you’re not,” Mark said, rolling his eyes. 

“What?” Roman couldn't think of anything else to say. How could Mark know who Roman was? All he knew was what Roman told him. That’s how things worked. And they hadn’t even been dating for very long yet - only a few months.

“We’ve had sex, Roman.” Mark reminded him. Roman winced.

“Well, yeah.” he looked away and shrugged. “But I… I don’t like it. And I don’t want it. And-”

“What, so you’re breaking up with me?” Mark asked angrily, turning to face Roman - making it feel more like a conflict than a conversation.

“Of course not!” Roman sputtered, shaking his head. “I still love you, obviously. I just don’t want to have sex with you. That’s all there is to it.”

“I can’t believe this,” Mark muttered, getting to his feet. Roman followed him.

“What are you doing?”

“What am I doing?” Mark raised an eyebrow, putting an offended hand on his chest. “I’m not doing anything, Roman! You’re the one who wants to… to be some kind of special snowflake!”

“What?”

“Sex is a human thing!” Mark yelled. “You wouldn’t exist without sex!”

“Well I’m gay, so either way I’m not going to have a baby.” Roman scoffed, running a hand through his hair. “What is going on with you?”

“I cannot believe you’re doing this to me,” Mark said, throwing his hands in the air. “And you’re trying to make me the bad guy! We’ve had sex, but now you come and tell me you don’t want it? Uh, does that not have any red flags for you?”

“Maybe your reaction does,” Roman muttered, taking a step back. Mark stared at him.

“What?”

“Isn’t consent important?” Roman demanded. “If we don’t both want it, we shouldn’t have it! Plain and simple. I’m trying to be honest, and-”

“Oh, so now the times we had sex, it was rape?”

“No! God, what the hell are you talking about? I did consent, and now I don’t.” Roman ran his hands through his hair, pulling the tangled curls out to a fluff. “Listen to yourself, it’s like you just want an excuse to fight and break up with me or something.”

“Who wouldn’t?”

Roman froze, eyes traveling back up to Mark’s face. It was twisted in fury, annoyance.

“...what?”

“I mean, have you looked in the mirror recently?” Mark laughed, putting a hand over his face. “You aren’t exactly eye-candy.”

“I don’t want to be,” Roman said in disgust.

“The only reason people pay attention to you is because you’re obnoxious.” Mark continued as if Roman hadn’t spoken. “And yeah, you’re a fun guy to hang out with. But if all we’re going to do is hang out - why the hell even claim we’re together? Sex is part of relationships!”

“Wait-”

“If you’re going to be the way you are, you’re going to have a really hard time finding anyone who wants to actually date you.” Mark sneered.

“We do more than hang out!” Roman snapped. “We hold hands, and we kiss, and we go on dates and none of that is sexual. So why-”

“Yeah, because you don’t want it to be!” 

“So what, are you saying the only reason you’re with me is because you want sex?” Roman demanded. Mark didn’t answer, just stood and looked at him. Roman’s eyes widened. “Mark, are you serious?”

“Get out,” Mark muttered. “We’re done, Roman. Pack your stuff and leave. You don’t want to be with me, fine.”

“I do!”

“No, you don’t!” Mark snarled, whirling around to storm away. “So figure out somewhere else to live, because by tomorrow night I want you to be gone!” Roman stared after him, throat tightening as he tried to hold back tears.

That wasn’t how he meant it to go. Sure, he knew Mark might have questions or concerns, but… what? Roman didn’t want to leave him. He loved Mark, a lot.

“Mark, wait.” Roman hurried after him to the bedroom, where Mark stood, fuming. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, are you?”

“Yes.” Roman blinked back tears. “I… I love you. I swear to god, I do. I don’t want to leave you.”

“It sounded like you did.”

“I didn’t mean to say it like that, I…” Roman held back a shudder as he prepared his next offering. “I’ll have sex with you if that’s… if it’s really what you want.” 

Mark stood there for a moment, then pulled Roman gently into his arms. Roman hated that he’d said that - but he couldn't lose Mark. Especially if he was right - who wanted a skinny, pale, freckle-covered, ginger-haired Disney nerd as their boyfriend? Mark did - even if he did demand sex. Roman wasn’t ready to lose that.

The relationship from there - it kinda went downhill. Roman would never forget the cruel words his boyfriend had said to him. Every time they kissed or cuddled, they played in the back of his mind. And they continued to have sex - and he really did hate it every time, despite the way Mark insisted he was enjoying it.

He knew it wasn’t going to work out, but the final straw was when Mark came up with a very strong opinion about something.

“Can you believe these different identities?” he asked one day, shaking his head at a social media post. “God, polyamorous? Demisexual? What the hell does that even mean?”

“Polyamorous is when more than two people are in a relationship together,” Roman said softly. “Or when one person loves more than one other person - regardless of whether the other two are in a relationship. If it’s talked about and consented with, it’s not really cheating.”

“What the hell are you talking about? That’s just an excuse to be some kind of slut!” Mark groaned.

“I’ve done research, and no it’s not.” Roman took a deep breath, staring at the counter. “I’m polyamorous, Mark.”

“What, you have another boyfriend?”

“No!” Roman snapped, looking up to glare at him. “I can feel romantic attraction for more than one person at a time. That’s all.”

“Oh sure.” Mark rolled his eyes. “A few months ago you say you’re ace, and now you say you want to be fucked from both ends?”

“What?” Roman held back a physical gag at the idea. “No! Where did you get that? Shut up!”

“I don’t understand you.” Mark shook his head, turning away. “Just stop with the labels, Roman. You’re gay, that’s it.”

“Right.” Roman looked back down at the counter, shaking his head. He had to get out of this relationship - or he was going to go insane.

* * *

Roman moved out - with a lot of insults and cursing from Mark when he cut things off. He got a small studio and decided to take a break from dating - just to get his life and his head together. Nightmares about Mark plagued him, but he was free. And he could be who he was, without being afraid of someone he shouldn’t fear. He had to admit, it was nice.

Sleeping alone in a bed that was truly his. Not hating himself in the morning or feeling sick when he was supposed to feel happy and in love. 

But he missed having a boyfriend. He missed romantic outings, holding hands, laughing about inside jokes and just completely loving another person with all his heart. He had friends, yeah. In his drama classes and in plays he participated in. But he declined offers for dates, too nervous to have been identifying as more than gay. They might expect stuff, or he could get too deep into something and then be hurt and rejected again. Not only that, but there were many times where he was in love with several of them at once. He wanted to pull all his friends to gaze at the stars or eat a candle-lit dinner. He really was a hopeless romantic, wasn’t he?

“I could totally hook you up with someone.” Remy - whose name always made Roman think of his late brother - said at a Starbucks one day. Remy had no idea Roman was ace. And Roman didn’t plan to tell him - you don’t just tell people that kind of thing.

“No thanks.” Roman laughed awkwardly. “I don’t think anyone would be interested in this.” he gestured down at himself - knowing that Mark had had a point all those months ago. He was skinny - not in an attractive way either. Nothing about him was attractive.

“Pff.” Remy waved a hand. “If we weren’t best friends, I’d fuck you 100%”

“...right.” Roman shook his head. “I appreciate it, Rem. but I’m taking a break from dating.”

“You’ve been taking a break from it since you broke up with Mark.” Remy protested. “Come on - you haven’t gone on one date since then. It’s been six months. Go on one date.”

And, for some god-forsaken reason, Roman agreed to go on the next date he was invited on. 

He was sure Remy had searched the entire queer community at school for someone to push in Roman’s direction - and that was all fine and well, but Roman had intended to let things happen naturally. An attractive man on the ballroom team asking him out would have been amazing - if Roman hadn’t known that Remy set it in motion.

He agreed despite this - and he went on that first date with the guy. Nothing came of it, but as soon as one of Roman’s theater friends - who had previously asked and been turned down - heard he’d gone on one, he was asked again.

Roman said yes, relieved that at least he already knew the guy. Nate was fun - and Roman thoroughly enjoyed going on that date with him. They went on several more, and Roman found himself agreeing to enter a ‘casual’ relationship. If only to get Remy off his back.

“God, I love you,” Nate said it first - one day after going to watch a play from the community theater neither had gotten parts for. Roman stared at him in surprise from the passenger seat, but let the words fall from his lips anyway.

“I love you too.” And he did. Romantically. 

As the relationship continued, it was clear that Nate meant more than that. And while it was flattering - it still made Roman uncomfortable. He felt like he was too distant - cold to Nate when he didn’t let things go further than a kiss and some cuddling where hands didn’t wander. And oh, did Nate’s hands love to wander.

“Babe.” Nate sighed one night when Roman pulled out of his arms - not okay with the place his hands had fallen on Roman’s hips. “What is going on? Roman, you know you can talk to me.”

“I…” Roman heard Mark’s scathing voice in his head. The anger, the disappointment, the insults. He shook his head, leaning back into Nate’s arms. “Sorry, I’m just spacing out a little bit.”

“Don’t worry about a thing.” Nate pressed a gentle kiss to Roman’s lips. “We’ve got our whole lives ahead of us - plenty of time for everything. When you’re ready, you’ll be ready. That’s all there is to it.”

Ah. So that was it. Nate figured Roman was a virgin. It was amazingly sweet and perfect of him to respect Roman’s anxiousness - even though he didn’t quite understand. But Roman knew it wouldn’t last - and Nate was bound to run out of patience.

As the weeks turned to months - and then they’d been dating for over a year, Roman knew he’d have to make a decision.

Choice one: he could tell Nate he was ace. That probably wouldn’t go very well.

Choice two: he could have sex with Nate. That would go fine - but Roman didn’t want to.

Choice three: he could break up with Nate and move across the country.

“What’s wrong?” Remy asked on their usual Monday coffee run. “I can tell you have something on your mind, sweetheart.”

“I’m fine.” Roman sighed, shaking his head. Then he hesitated. He usually told Remy everything. His asexuality was the one thing Remy didn’t know about. 

“Yeah right.” Roman sighed at Remy’s tone. “Spill, gurl.”

“Nate wants to have sex with me.” Roman finally said. Remy was silent for a moment, then turned and pulled off his sunglasses, eyebrows raised.

“You’ve been together for over a year,” he said, eyes wide. “And you haven’t had sex with him yet? With Nate? With Nate Proctor?”

“...no,” Roman mumbled, face flushing slightly.

“Wow.” Remy sat back, impressed. “He is hella patient. Why haven’t you?”

“I just don’t feel ready.” Roman lied. “But I know… I know I’ll have to do something.”

“It’s not like you’re a virgin.” Remy protested. “Why don’t you feel ready? Is it still about Mark? Ro, baby, you broke up with that asshole over two years ago.”

“I know.” Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I told you, it’s nothing important. And I’ll work it out with Nate, not you.”

“I mean that’s…” Remy nodded, sipping his latte. “Probably the more useful alternative.” Roman snorted but nodded.

“Thanks for listening, though.” He sighed.

“What are best friends for?” Remy replaced his glasses with a grin. “You’ll figure it out. You’re smarter than you give yourself credit for.”

“Right.” Roman stared out the window as they finished their coffee.

He did end up having sex with Nate. Once - and then Nate shocked him with the news that he’d been cheating for the past six months.

“Ro - baby, I’m sorry.” he ran a hand through his hair as Roman gathered his things - he still lived in his studio apartment, but he’d left a fair share of stuff at his boyfriends. “Please, just…”

“No.” Roman turned to stare at him. “Like… if you talked to me and told me you weren’t patient enough, we could have figured something out. But you went behind my back and didn’t tell me.”

“It’s not my fault!” Nate snapped.

“Yes, it is!” Roman retorted. “God, why are you so defensive? This is all your fault!”

“Shut up!” 

Roman’s eyes widened at the sudden stinging in his face - the pain in his neck from when his head snapped to the side. Nate’s eyes were just as wide, but Roman picked up the box of things and left the apartment before Nate could say another word.

When Remy dropped by Roman’s place that afternoon, the slap had turned into a muted bruise. It might not have shown, but thanks to Roman being the palest freaking man on earth despite his best efforts, it was very obvious.

“Gurl.” Remy grabbed Roman and pulled off his glasses to inspect the bruise. “What happened? Who do I have to kill?” he saw next the way Roman’s eyes were red from crying. “Roman?”

“Nate cheated on me,” Roman said, laughing sadly. “I broke up with him and…”

“What the actual fuck?” Remy glared in the general direction of Nate’s apartment - which was a few blocks away. “I’ll murder him in his sleep.”

“Don’t bother.” Roman sighed and pulled away from Remy’s hands. “It was bound to happen, y’know?”

“Um, no. I don’t. Unless you’re like, a masochist or something.” Remy threw his bag onto Roman’s table and put his hands on his hips. Roman snorted, shaking his head.

“Rem…” he sighed and looked out the window. “I’m ace. I’m polyamorous. Who wants to be with someone like me?”

“Wh- what?” Remy’s voice was slightly higher. “Roman…!”

“No one,” Roman concluded. “That’s why I don’t tell people. Besides, he didn’t mean to slap me. We got into an argument.”

“You’re ace?” Remy asked in shock. 

“Yeah. Why, you hate me now, too?” Roman turned back, staring at his friend desperately. “We’re not dating, it doesn’t matter. You don’t hate me, right?”

“God, no, of course, I don’t hate you!” Remy burst out. “It’s not your fault you’re asexual, Roman! No one has the right to hate you for that! I just… you were so stressed about having sex with him and now I know why…” Roman nodded weakly. “You did, didn’t you?”

“Once. A week or so ago.” Roman sighed. “But then he told me he was cheating - and so it doesn’t really matter anymore.”

“Fuck him,” Remy muttered. “Or, whatever it is you do when you’re done with people.” Roman snorted, covering his mouth to hold back a laugh. “I’m serious!” Remy whined. “Forget about Nate - we’ll get you someone who you can be dramatically sappy with, I swear.”

“Thanks, Rem.” Roman sighed. “But I think I want to take a break - not one as long as my last one. Just a break.”

“You do what you need to do.” Remy nodded, grabbing Roman’s remote. “But right now, we’re having a Disney marathon because you just had a craptastic day.”

Roman grinned, and this was one of the times he was glad to have Remy as a best friend. He might be an idiot, and he might drink way too much coffee, but he was loud and proud about respecting every identity on the planet. If only more people were like that.


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman meets Logan - shenanigans ensue.  
WARNINGS: internalized acephobia, mentions of PTSD, self-deprecation, mentions of self-harm

Finishing college was better after coming out to Remy as ace, and backing off of the dating scene for a while. He still missed being romantic, but he poured those feelings into his work as he developed a novel that had been on the back-burner for the past few years. Without dating, there was more time to work on it. So he finished his degree in Theater and English Literature, published his first novel, and worked at the bookstore while performing in a few small local plays and commercials.

He still had nightmares about Mark and Nate, sometimes. Sometimes just nightmares - with no face or name to them. But they didn’t happen very often. He’d be alright, and Roman was started to consider going to Remy for help on how to meet someone who would go out with him. As it happened, however, he didn’t need Remy for that.

He was stocking shelves in the back - where no one ever shopped except for at the beginning of term as it was where they kept textbooks - when someone tapped him on the shoulder.

“Hm?” Roman turned and his eyes widened in surprise as he was faced with an absolutely beautiful giant. 

Okay, so giant was a little mean - but Roman was five feet tall max and this man was at least six - maybe more. He had dark hair and glasses, and deep brown eyes that made Roman want to take him stargazing and dance in the grass.

“You work here, correct?” The man adjusted his glasses and Roman nodded, forcing his thoughts back to reality.

“Yes, yes! I do.” he beamed, turning to face the man fully. “What can I help you with?”

“Do you have any collections of…” the man sighed, looking at a paper he held. “Scary stories, or conspiracies?” Roman was taken aback. This man did not seem like that type - but who was he to judge?

“Well, we get more scary stories in October,” he said, thinking about the different things he’d stocked that week.

“I know.” the man sighed. “But it’s my boyfriend's birthday next week, and he’s obsessed with those. If I’d planned ahead, I might have thought to grab one last year, but…”

“Oh!” Roman put his hands on his hips. “Well, we can’t have you buying a sub-par gift! Let me see if I can remember where I put those…” He started down one aisle and the man followed. 

Luckily, in one of the farther corners where they stayed until brought forward for Halloween, Roman found a few stacks of scary story collections.

“He has this one,” the man pushed one aside, mumbling to himself as he selected several books. Roman was about to go finish stocking when the man turned back to face him. “Thank you - you have no idea how awful it would have been if Patton got him a better gift.”

“Oh?” Roman had no idea what that meant.

“Er - our other boyfriend.” Roman’s heart nearly stopped. The gorgeous man was gay  _ and _ polyamorous? God, he was going to pass out.

“Well,” Roman cleared his throat and beamed. “I hope he likes them, then! And we’ll get a lot more like it in October.”

“Wonderful.” the man held out a hand. “I neglected to introduce myself. I’m Logan.”

“I’m Roman.” Roman shook his hand, barely holding it together. He’d forgotten how touch-starved he was. Remy was a good hugger, but he’d been in Paris studying abroad for the past six months and Roman didn’t have a lot of other friends.

“Pleasure to meet you, and thanks again.” Logan turned toward the front. Roman watched him go, head spinning.

Why did he want to introduce himself? Most customers were - dare Roman say - rude asshats who didn’t see Roman as worth a second glance. 

Roman stood there for what felt like forever until finally snapping out of it, checking the time to find he was supposed to have clocked out fifteen minutes ago.

He walked in somewhat of a daze, unable to stop thinking about Logan. It was strange - he hadn’t felt like that about someone since he met Mark in his second year of college. And somehow, he already knew that Logan was gay and polyamorous - which was more than he could say about Mark. 

It was a shame he probably wouldn’t see the man again because Roman was going to be up very late writing with the inspired swelling in his heart.

However, it wasn’t long at all until Roman saw Logan again.

A few weeks later, arranging a new shipment of YA dystopian novels in the front of the store, Roman was pulled from his thoughtful state by the clearing of a throat. He turned and immediately brightened in surprise, getting to his feet.

“Logan! That- was your name right?” even though he knew it was. Logan smiled and nodded, adjusting his glasses. “How can I help you? Have another birthday crisis?”

“Not quite.” Logan held up a book and Roman was shocked to recognize it as his own. The cover Remy had helped him design, his pride and joy. Logan flipped to the back cover, where Roman’s smiling face from a year ago looked back at him. “You’re an author?”

“Uh…” Roman cleared his throat, nodding. “Yes, I am.” The book had been fairly popular - especially with the LGBTQ+ community, but he hadn’t met a stranger who read it before meeting him.

“I apologize for surprising you,” Logan said. “I was simply wondering if you could sign this for me. I couldn't find any venues in the past or future where you do signings.”

“I never scheduled any.” Roman shrugged. “I never thought people would read it.”

“It’s quite popular with my boyfriends' students,” Logan said, adjusting his glasses as he handed Roman the book. “And I enjoyed it as well - though fantasy was never my favorite genre.”

“I’m glad you gave it a shot,” Roman said, pulling out a pen. “Er… what do you want me to write?”

“Just our names will be alright.” Logan smiled, those amazing eyes shining with excitement. “Logan, Patton, and Virgil.”

“The roman poet?” Roman laughed, nodding as he scrawled the names elegantly, then dared to write a romantic pick-up line before signing his name and closing the book.

“That’s where he found it, at least.” Logan tucked the book under his arm and smiled. “Are you working on anything else?”

“Always am.” Roman nodded. “I intend to publish again in the next year or so - but I’m working on editing and work right now. Most of my income is from stacking books, instead of writing them.”

“Shame.” Logan looked around the bookstore. “You’re a talented writer, Roman Tower.” Roman flushed as Logan said his full name.

“Oh… thank you.”

“When you do publish again,” Logan said awkwardly. “Perhaps a signing wouldn’t be an awful idea? I know a lot of people in town who would go.”

“Perhaps.” Roman agreed. Logan smiled, then nodded a farewell. 

“I’ll let you get back to your work.” He said, smiling sheepishly. “But I couldn't deny the chance to surprise my boyfriends with your signature on their favorite book.”

“I’d feel the same,” Roman said, flashing a wide smile.

“Well, I suppose I’ll see you another time,” Logan said as a farewell, leaving Roman completely starstruck. 

Logan wanted to see him again. The idea made it seem like Roman was floating the entire day after that.

* * *

“What happened?” Remy asked the moment they were alone after he returned from Paris.

Roman flushed - completely aware of what he meant. He’d been on cloud nine the past few weeks. Logan would drop by the bookstore often - either buying something or just wanting to talk. He talked about his boyfriends a lot, and about writing. Logan didn’t write but claimed to admire those who did - like Roman and Virgil - very much.

“Uhm..”

“Is it a boy?” Remy waggled his eyebrows and Roman flushed deeper scarlet. Remy laughed. “It is! Spill the tea, sis. I’ve missed you and your drama!”

“It’s not drama,” Roman mumbled, running a hand through his hair - which despite his best efforts was always in a curly, tangled mess.

“Well spill the tea anyway. Don’t leave me hanging here.” Remy insisted.

Roman told him - feeling more in love with Logan every second he recounted the past month since he met the man. He wanted to meet Virgil and Patton - but they had never talked much about anything but instances and writing - Roman didn’t want to seem forward. Especially because he didn’t want anyone to think he wanted to have sex with them.

“Let me get this straight.” Remy waved his hands after Roman finished. “He comes to your place of work a few times a week.”

“Yeah.”

“To talk to you.”

“Yeah.”

“And he likes your book and his boyfriends like your book, and he seems to enjoy talking to you that much?”

“Yep.”

“Girl. You better get his phone number next time you see him, or I’m going to lose it!” Remy declared, waving his hands in the air. Roman bit his lip.

“But what if-”

“You have my number - and I don’t want to have sex with you.” Remy pointed out. “Not that I’d say no if you offered. But I respect your boundaries, and we’re friends.”

“Thanks.” Roman chuckled awkwardly, then sighed. “Alright… I’ll try. Don’t be mad if I chicken out and have a heart attack, though.”

“I fully expect it,” Remy said honestly.

“Gee, thanks.” Roman sighed, staring out the window of his apartment. What did he do to deserve a friend like Remy?

“In other news,” Remy cleared his throat and Roman looked at him. “How has everything else been? The stuff you didn’t tell me in your emails and texting?”

“Not a lot…” Roman frowned. “What do you mean.”

“I mean in here.” Remy tapped Roman’s forehead gently.

“Oh.” Roman shrugged. “Alright, I suppose. The past few weeks have been best, obviously. But… same as always other than that.”

“That’s not a good thing, Roman.” Remy reminded him. “You said you’d try and improve.”

“I’m trying!” Roman protested weakly. “It's just… I mean, sometimes it’s hard. And it’s gotten better recently, and now you’re back. I’ll be okay.”

“So you haven’t cut since meeting the guy?” Remy asked eyebrow raised. Roman thought for a moment, surprised at the question.

“I… I don’t think I have.” he realized, pulling his sleeve up to look at the scars on his arm. No fresh cuts - and Remy seemed impressed.

“This guy must be freaking hot.”

“He’s gorgeous,” Roman mumbled, smiling out the window.

The next time Logan came into the bookstore, Roman couldn't help but remember his promise to Remy. So, as they started winding the conversation about summer sales down, Roman forced himself to ask.

“Hey, Logan…” He bit his lip and Logan looked at him. “I uh, well, I just thought it might be fun to hang out with you when I’m not supposedly working,” Roman said hurriedly, looking at the romance novel display they were standing next to. “And I thought maybe we could swap numbers - make it easier to get in touch.”

“That sounds satisfactory,” Logan said, and Roman looked back to see him grinning.

“Really?” Why hadn’t Roman prepared for the possibility Logan would agree? He’d been ready for disgusted rejection - not agreement!

Logan just held out his phone, space for a new contact already opened up. Roman accepted it and put in his number before adding Logan into his own phone.

“Th-thanks.” Roman knew he was blushing again, but he couldn't help it when Logan’s hand brushed his as he took the phone back.

“This will also make it easier for Patton and Virgil to meet you,” Logan said happily. “Patton works while you do, and Virgil is not one for being out and about. So if you wanted to meet the two I’m constantly rambling about, we might be able to.”

“Yeah,” Roman said, desperately hoping the squeak in his voice was just in his head. “S-Sounds fun.”

“I’ll let you get back to work,” Logan said his usual goodbye. Roman nodded.

“See you.”

“Indeed.”

Roman was bright red for the rest of the day - so much that his boss sent him home thinking he was sick. Roman collapsed onto his bed and called Remy - rambling for over an hour about what had happened and how unbelievable it was. When he finished, Remy just laughed.

“I’ve tried to tell you for years, honey. A lot of people like you - you just refuse to accept it.”

“Yeah, sure,” Roman said, his usual reply even though his thoughts were still on Logan.

Logan texted him the next day proposing they meet up at a coffee shop near where Roman worked - both Virgil and Patton wanted to meet him. Apparently Logan talked about him a lot. So the plans were made, the date was set, and Roman was a nervous wreck.

He hadn’t dated anyone since he and Nate broke up. God, what if he messed something up? What if they hated him? This wasn’t even really a date - Logan had clarified Roman’s nervous question with the promise that he just wanted to become better friends.

The days leading up to it, Roman had nightmares again.

Nightmares of Mark, forcing him into things he didn’t want to do. He’d wake up nauseous, sweaty, and pale. Usually emptying his stomach after those dreams, tears rolling down his face as he missed the first man he’d loved. Because he had loved Mark - he’d been so deeply in love with him before it went south.

Nightmares of Nate - replaying the argument and the slap to Roman’s face in various different settings - with different levels of truth as they grew exaggerated and excessively violent in his mind. Roman would jolt upright, chest tight as he struggled to breathe. 

Nightmares of Logan in the place of Roman’s past boyfriends - voice cold and scorning as he tossed Roman aside once finding out he was asexual. Face twisted in uncharacteristic cruelty as he forced himself on him - saying Roman just hadn’t met the right person yet. There was always something off about Logan - his face being different or his voice being that of Mark or sometimes Nate. Roman would wake up confused, and sob into his pillow.

Remy did his best to comfort him - somehow being the voice of reason between the two when Roman would call him in the middle of the night. Roman knew, realistically, that Remy was trained to be a therapist, but it had never seemed like an actual thing until now. 

Remy would help him separate fact from fiction, reminding him that Nate had long ago moved to New York and that Mark had been arrested a few years after they broke up for illegal drug use. Reminding him that Logan had never made an advance romantically or sexually toward him and that the coffee shop was a public place and Roman would be safe.

Then he’d change the topics, telling Roman stories about his studies abroad that Roman had heard hundreds of times already - but always enjoyed. They spoke until morning, or until Roman drifted off to sleep with the phone in his hand.

Roman was proud of one thing in that week.

Most times when he’d had nightmares of his past - his first response had been to cut. But, as it had since he first met Logan, the blades he used remained untouched in the bottom drawer of his nightstand. Roman couldn't help but feel proud of that, knowing that he’d had enough control and that his friend cared enough to keep him from the darkest place he’d been since high school.

Remy was a good friend. Roman knew that, and he tried his best to reciprocate. He was the first good confidant Roman had found since his twin brother passed away in their senior year of high school - and they were overwhelmingly similar. The names, the honesty, the way they knew what Roman was feeling before Roman could get a word out.

It was like having a brother again, and Roman had voiced this a few times. Remy was always ecstatic to hear he felt this way, no matter how many times Roman told him. As an only child, Remy claimed to not understand sibling bonds. But he said that if it was what he and Roman had - he was glad he saved that feeling for him.

Remy was such a platonic sap that if he wasn’t aromantic Roman would honestly think he was in love. But they were friends - maybe a bit more, but nothing more than platonic. How could they be more than platonic, when Roman was ace and Remy was aro?

“You got this, sis,” Remy told him on Saturday morning as he sat in Roman’s kitchen, sipping a coffee. “You’re gonna blow them away.”

“Stop.” Roman tried to stop flushing, staring into the mirror. “Does it look like I’m trying too hard? Do I look too…”

“Gay?” Remy shook his head. “Nah, you look amazingly gay. But not in a sexy way,” he added at Roman’s worried expression. “You look like a modern-day Disney Prince.”

“Yeah right.” Roman turned to look at Remy and folded his arms. “I mean it.”

“You do!”

“No Disney Prince looks like me.” Roman insisted.

“Maybe someday when Disney hires you as an actor and you get super-rich,” Remy said, rolling his eyes. “Maybe then, you’ll believe me.”

“God, I wish.” Roman laughed, giving up on untangling the curls on his head. “Well, guess I’ll just have to see how it goes.”

“I can stalk you four from across the street.” Remy offered yet again - he’d been throwing it out there all week.

“No.” Roman shook his head.

“I can be super subtle!” Remy insisted. “I can blend into a crowd, I swear!”

“No, you can’t.” Roman laughed and Remy shrugged. “I’ll call you if I need help. Okay?”

“Fine.”

“Don’t stalk us.”

“Alriiiight! I won’t stalk you. Geez.”

“Time to go,” Roman said, checking his watch. “Wish me luck.”

“Good luck,” Remy said cheerfully, picking up his latte again. “If they hurt you, I’ll murder them in their sleep!”

“Thanks.” Roman rolled his eyes and left, pushing his anxiety away as he let himself get excited. 


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman goes on a date - and Roman gains three boyfriends.  
WARNINGS: self-deprecation, a bit. Uhhh sickening fluff. internalized acephobia.

Roman got there early - but that was fine. He got a water cup and sat in a booth by the window, planning on getting an actual drink when Logan and the others arrived. They did, not long after Roman did. Logan spotted him the moment Roman noticed them, and the group started over.

Logan was the tallest - thank goodness, but both Virgil and Patton seemed to be taller than Roman as well. That was to be expected, Roman figured. He was very short.

“Uh, hi.” He stood up awkwardly as they approached, smiling. God, he was so awkward. He really needed to get out more.

“Roman,” Logan said, smiling wider than Roman had ever seen. “These are my boyfriends, Virgil and Patton.” he gestured to each of them as he said their name.

“Sup.” Virgil - an obvious emo (though he pulled it off amazingly) - gave a tiny salute and Roman was struck with how pretty his eyes were. Logans were deep and seemed to hold the universe, while Virgil’s were a light gray color and looked like a stormcloud - even though with his dark skin and hair, it seemed like he should have brown eyes.

“Hi, there kiddo!” Patton bounced excitedly. He was the shorter of them - still a good few inches above Roman. He had a blond mop of curly hair falling in his face, freckles (but not nearly as many as Roman had), his eyes were a shocking blue behind a wide pair of round glasses. Before Roman knew it, he was wrapped in a hug.

“Patt.” Virgil groaned. “Give him space, will ya?”

“I can’t believe it!” Patton stepped back and beamed at him. “You’re just as adorable as Logan said you were!”

“Nice to meet you,” Roman said, flushing slightly at his words. Goodness, could these men be any more beautiful? He wanted to wrap them all in a hug and take them on adventures, be domestic and romantic and adorable with them. And he barely even knew them!

“Sorry to smother ya.” Patton stepped back, clapping his hands. “We’ve heard so much about you!”

“Have you?” Roman laughed nervously, glancing at Logan - who looked sheepishly back at him.

“Did you order anything yet?” Virgil asked, glancing at the water on the table. Roman shook his head - relieved for a change of topic.

“I thought I would wait for you all,” he explained.

“Awe!” Patton beamed.

“Well, why don’t we get something and we can talk more?” Logan suggested. “We can buy yours, Roman.”

“You don’t have to.” Roman’s eyes widened as he reached for his wallet, following them toward the counter. “I can-”

“He’s too stubborn,” Virgil mumbled to him, a small smile on his face. “If you don’t let him buy you something, he’ll go insane.”

“...okay.” Roman sighed, rubbing his arm awkwardly. “Well, I’ll have to pay you guys back sometime.”

“In puppies!” Patton declared. 

“For the love of- we can’t get a dog, Patton.” Logan sighed, adjusting his glasses. “We do not have time for a dog.”

“But-”

“We aren’t talking about the dog right now anyway.” Virgil reminded them as the person before them left the counter. Logan turned back to the menu.

“What are we getting?”

“Coffee. Black. Like my soul.” Virgil stated flatly. Roman held back a laugh. “What?”

“You really are an emo, aren’t you?” Roman managed, smiling.

“Proudly.” Virgil chuckled as well. “What do you want, Prince Charming?”

“Oh…” Roman blinked a few times, trying to think. “Uh, caramel hot chocolate is fine - that’s what I usually get anyway.” Logan nodded, turning to talk to the barista. Roman continued to chat with Patton and Virgil - feeling himself fall in love with them more every second.

The day seemed to fly by. After chatting in the cafe for an hour or so, Patton suggested they go to the park so the barista would stop shooting them annoyed glances every time they laughed too loudly.

So they walked along the paths - Roman had always intended to spend more time at the park but was always busy with work or writing. It was a beautiful place, trees, and flowers everywhere and despite the summer heat, Roman could have stayed there all day.

But eventually, it was getting late. So after a long goodbye - where Patton gave him at least ten hugs - Roman split off from them and made the trek back to his apartment, where Remy was waiting for him.

“You had fun,” Remy commented as Roman collapsed onto his bed. “How’d it go?”

“You’ve been here all day?” Roman asked incredulously, sitting up after a moment to pull off his shoes.

“Nah, I went to the cafe and watched you guys for a while before you went to the park.” Remy shrugged. Roman’s eyes widened.

“Dude! Are you serious?”

“It’d been an hour with no texts, Ro. Of course, I’m serious.”

“I told you not to stalk us!”

“I didn’t stalk you.” Remy scoffed. “I walked down the street and then waited for the bus - and ignored the three busses that came while I stood watching you through the window from across the street.”

“Remy!” Roman groaned, flopping backward. “Did they see you? God, you said you wouldn’t do that!”

“Relax.” Remy scoffed. “They didn’t see me. Besides, I totally get why you like these guys. They’re so fuckable.”

“You know I could care less about that.”

“Oh yeah.” Remy paused for a moment. “They look very nice. If I was into romance, I’m sure I’d want to… uh, light a candle with them or whatever.”

“You know more about romance than that and you know it,” Roman muttered, getting to his feet and going to sit with his friend. Remy shrugged, then sat back and demanded all the details.

So Roman told him everything - as Remy hadn’t actually heard any of their conversation (or so he said). And by the time he was done, Remy was very impressed with how lovestruck Roman had managed to get himself.

“Haven’t seen you like this since we went to New York and watched Broadway,” he said as Roman stared at the ceiling, thoughts still on the three amazing men. “Are you sure this wasn’t a giant date, though?”

“Logan said it wasn’t.” Roman insisted. “And I don’t want it to be.”

“Sure.”

“I want to date them.” Roman clarified, sitting up again. “But I don’t want this one to be a date. That’s too fast. The word ‘date’ makes it sound so big and important - and this wasn’t like that.”

“Yeah right.” Remy scoffed. “You were so worked up about this, Roman.”

“Okay, whatever.” Roman rolled his eyes.

“So are you gonna tell them?” Remy asked.

“Tell them what?”

“Uh…” Remy gestured to Roman as a whole. “That you’re completely and utterly obsessed with them, and you want to date them and be sappy and gross and romantic with them all freaking day?”

“No!” Roman’s face flamed. “Are you insane? I can’t tell them - what would I say? They already have a relationship, you know.”

“Gurl. They asked to meet you.” Remy reminded him. “Patton kept hugging you. The Emo one called you Prince Charming. I think they’re a little bit interested.”

“Oh my god, you’re right.” Roman realized aloud, face growing red again. Remy laughed lightly, patting the top of his head. “What am I supposed to do now?”

“My advice wouldn’t work for you,” Remy said, wiggling his eyebrows. Roman exaggerated a gag, rolling his eyes. “Just keep being yourself, sis. I think it’ll work itself out.”

“What you think and what happens isn’t always the same.” Roman pointed out. “Usually it is, but not always.” Remy just shrugged, turning back to scroll through Instagram. Roman looked back at the ceiling, the memories of the day floating through his head. 

* * *

Maybe his luck really was turning around in the romance department. Both writing and real life. The editor was extremely happy with how Roman’s book was turning out - and the publish date was set for July 15th and ads with the cover design - again by Remy - started popping up on social media. Turns out the first one was more popular than Roman realized - and he was already becoming well-known in the YA romance community as well as the LGBTQ+ one.

And in real life, well, things were going better than they ever had.

Roman had gone on several more dates - confirmed by the others at his consent that they were dates - and each one just left him more in love than the last. They hadn’t talked relationship yet - and despite Remy’s nagging Roman hadn’t brought up asexuality with them. He was enjoying life for once, and he didn’t want it to end so soon. Remy told him that was dumb, but experience had shown that it could very well end whatever their relationship was if he told them he was ace.

“Roman Tower, you did not tell us you were publishing another book!” Virgil said when Roman met them at the coffee shop after work. Roman looked at him in surprise, realizing that he hadn’t.

“Oh.” he nodded. “Yeah, I guess I forgot. Or I thought I mentioned it.”

“You said you were writing, not that it was coming out soon!” Virgil beamed at him - the expression looking wrong with his emo aesthetic but so wonderfully right on his pretty face. “I can’t believe I had to find out on an ad on Tumblr.”

“Sorry,” Roman smiled apologetically as he sat down next to Patton. “I’ll try to remember to tell you guys any updates, okay?”

“It’s perfectly alright.” Logan chuckled. “Virgil is just excited.”

“Hell yeah, I am!” Virgil slammed a hand onto the table.

“Virgil! Language!” Patton looked around with wide eyes, checking for any impressionable children. The cafe was empty except for them and the barista, who had reluctantly grown used to them taking up space for hours on end. Roman was pretty sure that they were only allowed to stay because they bought food several times every time they came here.

“Oh calm down.” Virgil rolled his eyes. “You’ve heard me swear before.”

“Yeah, and I tell you not to every time.” Patton pointed out.

“True.”

“Well, there you are!” Roman looked up in surprise to see Remy walking over, latte in hand like always. “Are you finally going to introduce me to your favorite people on the planet, Roman?”

“Dude!” Roman flushed.

“You must be Remy,” Virgil said, glancing from the latte to the sunglasses. He held out a hand. “I’m Virgil.”

“Hell yes, I’m Remy.” Remy beamed, not noticing Patton’s small little sigh. Virgil did and grinned. “I’m Roman’s best friend, and if you hurt him, I’ll have to slit your throats.”

“Remy!” Roman jumped up, ready to grab his thrift-store leather jacket and throw him out the window.

“What? I’m not going to lie and say they can do whatever shit they want.” Remy shrugged and took a sip of his latte.

“Roman’s talked about you a lot,” Logan said, pulling the conversation away from Remy’s statement.

“I could say the same for you three.” Remy grinned and pushed his sunglasses up to keep his hair back. Roman’s face grew warmer by the second.

“Oh my gosh.” he slid down in his seat, a hand over his face. “Remy, you could have asked if you wanted me to introduce you instead of just stalk us and find us.”

“I’m great at hide and seek,” Remy said. Patton giggled. 

“We appreciate that you care so much for him,” Virgil said unexpectedly. “But I don’t plan on hurting him - can’t speak for the others, but I personally-”

“Hey!” Patton whined. “Virge!”

“Okay, okay.” Virgil laughed. “We aren’t going to hurt him. It’s sweet you’re such a good friend though.”

“I’ve been called many things.” Remy said with a wink. 

“Remy, I swear in the name of Walt Disney himself,” Roman muttered. “Stop.”

“What?” Remy asked, a smirk growing as he did. “I’m just looking out for ya, Ro. Someone has to.”

“Dude, your face is very red.” Virgil laughed. Roman threw a piece of muffin at him.

“Well, it was nice to meet you three,” Remy said, slipping his sunglasses back into place. “But I must be off. There is a very adorable new barista at the Starbucks across town, and I’m almost done with my latte.”

“We’re at a coffee shop!” Roman pointed out as he left. Remy just held up his Starbucks cup, shaking his head. Roman sighed, burying his face in his arms.

“Well, I see why you didn’t invite the guy around sooner.” Virgil laughed. “You are so embarrassed.”

“I wasn’t ready!” Roman complained. “He needs to warn me before he does that!”

“Awe, I think it’s sweet!” Patton beamed, clapping his hands.

“And you certainly won't get hurt by anyone with him around,” Logan added. 

Roman sighed, nodding despite the facts. He’d known Remy since before he met Mark - and he’d been hurt plenty. Though, Remy hadn’t gotten so dramatically protective until the thing with Nate.

“I wasn’t worried about that.” He said quickly, sitting up and pushing his hair back from where it was falling in unruly curls into his eyes. “He wasn’t either - really.”

“That’s a relief.” Virgil laughed, picking up his coffee again. “And now I actually understand what you mean by total drama queen. He’s more dramatic than you are!”

“...thanks?”

“Drama isn’t a bad thing.” Patton giggled, giving Roman a one-armed hug.

“True.” Logan adjusted his glasses and smiled. “Your dramaticness is one of the best things about you.” Roman’s face had just started to return to its natural paleness, and now it grew pink again.

“I’m not that dramatic.”

“You are when you’re not trying to stop yourself,” Virgil said with a grin. Roman stared at him. “What? You don’t think I can notice when someone’s repressing an emotion? I’m dating Logan here.”

“I do not…” Logan shook his head. “Drama is not an emotion, Virgil.”

“You know what I mean.” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“Well…” Roman shrugged. “I try my best not to be obnoxious, that’s all.” A beat of silence followed the statement and he picked at the muffin before him, not looking up.

“Obnoxious isn’t bad either,” Virgil stated.

“Indeed. To use Virgil’s line of logic from before - we are dating Patton.”

“Yes, you are!” Patton beamed. “And I can be really annoying.”

“Can you?” Roman raised an eyebrow, looking up from the table with an almost real smile on his face. “You seem more adorable to me, Patt.”

“Awe!” Patton hugged him again. “Thank you!”

“I’m just saying,” Roman shrugged lightly, not sure what exactly the conversation was leading to. “I can be… a lot. If I really get going, or excited about something.”

“Excited?” Virgil raised an eyebrow and Roman nodded slowly, wondering where he was going with this. “Have I seen you excited before?”

“I dunno.” Roman thought for a moment. “I got excited about the petting zoo.”

“Oh yeah,” Virgil grinned. “I think I know something you’d be more excited about.”

Roman raised an eyebrow as Virgil looked to Logan - then Patton and Roman. Roman’s face started to grow warm again - for another reason. Oh. Oh, they were going to have the talk - the relationship talk. He wasn’t ready for this.

“We’ve been seeing you for quite some time…” Logan said after clearing his throat. “And we’ve discussed with each other about… feelings,” he said the word slowly as if unsure that was right. “And, we all feel as if you might reciprocate.”

“D’you wanna join us?” Patton asked as Logan hesitated again - drawing Virgil and Logan’s gaze to him. Roman didn’t look over - he kept his eyes on the table before him, mind racing. “The relationship, I mean. Officially.” 

Oh, god yes. He really did. He fully, honestly, legitimately did. But Roman had promised Remy he’d come out to them first. And he wasn’t ready to lose the three of them.

“It’s okay if you don’t,” Virgil said quickly when Roman didn’t speak. “Or if you want to think about it. You don’t have to-”

“I’m ace.” Roman blurted, then put a hand on his mouth. Silence.

“Like, asexual?” Virgil clarified. Roman nodded. “Alright.”

“That is not a very straight answer, though.” Logan adjusted his glasses and Patton gasped.

“Oh my gosh, that was the best! Logan!”

“I did not intentionally make a joke.” Logan snapped. “Roman, why was that your response to our offer of a relationship?”

“It…” Roman looked up at them, Virgil’s face in his neutral resting one, waiting for an answer. Logan’s curious, worried gaze. Patton’s expression that he couldn't read at all. “It changes things.”

“What would it change?” Virgil asked. “You were still ace when we asked you - we just didn’t know. You’re still the same guy.”

“Yeah, but…” Roman struggled to find a way to explain that wouldn’t make it seem like he was accusing them of being like Mark or Nate.

“We would never want you to do something you weren’t comfortable with,” Logan said gently. Roman nodded, blinking back tears.

“Right. Obviously. I just thought…” he shook his head again and laughed, wiping the tears away. “Sorry.”

“Awe, Don’t be!” Patton piped up from where he’d been uncharacteristically quiet. He kissed Roman’s temple gently. “We still love you, no matter what.”

“Yeah, and you still haven’t answered.” Virgil teased. “You wanna be our boyfriend or not?”

“Yes.” Roman choked out, a smile splitting his face as he tried to keep from crying. He hid his face in his hands. “God, sorry. I know you wanted me to be excited, I just… hold on.”

“No rush for you,” Logan said gently. “Things are the way they are. What right do we have to try and change them?” Roman smiled. God, he loved them.


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman and his boys BOND. We've got angst. we've got sickening fluff. we've got foreshadowing that I don't know if I executed well. we've got it all, folks.
> 
> WARNINGS: mentions of self-harm, implied self-harm, self-doubt, reference to a past suicide, nightmares, PTSD, slight manipulation, dying in a dream

The book was possibly more popular than Roman’s first one. The ads targeted to his current readers were obviously seen by others - causing a lot of hype for the new one as copies of his first book flew from the shelves. It was a crazy day when Roman got to work to find a shipment of a hundred of his books had been delivered. His boss also started treating him much better - realizing that Roman was both an employee and a client in a weird turn of events.

Roman hadn’t realized how people would eat his stories up. In the style of both traditional fairytale fantasy, and queer love stories, he’d somehow captured the attention of a lot of readers. He really shouldn’t have been surprised - he would have loved reading those as a kid and young adult and realizing sooner that he wasn’t broken, or a waste of space. If he’d had them, there would probably be less - if any - scars on his arms. 

He’d been doing amazing in that aspect as well - only having cut himself once recently after the stress of a problem with the publishers got to him. Remy comforted him when he found out, saying that everyone had problems stopping and being okay again. And Roman had moved the blades from the bedside table to a box in the back of his closet, figuring it would be harder to get them that way.

He hadn’t told his boyfriends about the cutting - though he hoped that if he quit like he wanted to, he wouldn’t have to explain it and risk losing them. 

They were incredible. After Roman’s initial breakdown upon officially joining them, things had only gotten better. He’d been more extravagant about how he felt - gifting them each a free copy of his new book. Remy got one as well - but that was a given as it was dedicated to him. 

All in all, things were really looking up.

And then Roman’s landlord decided to be an asshole.

Roman’s apartment was still the small studio he’d gotten after leaving Mark - the rent was cheap and it was all he needed. Well, the rent HAD been cheap. Until for some god-forsaken reason, Roman’s landlord decided to raise it.

And even though the books were selling, and work was fine, Roman had student loans to pay off. And he still had to eat and live. He was not going to be able to afford the new - ridiculous - price of rent. Not if he wanted to keep being able to write and have time to relax during the day.

Logan, Patton, and Virgil had extended the invitation for him to move in when they became official - but respected that he wasn’t ready for that. That had been two months ago - and Roman was much more comfortable around them now - but he just wasn’t sure. With the way his budget was draining, though, and his landlord demanding he pay the next few months for some reason due to the change, Roman realized it may be his best option.

“What an ass,” Virgil said when Roman explained what was happening. “We should key his car.”

“No, we shouldn’t!” Patton complained, hugging Roman’s arm tightly. “Roman, don’t vandalize.”

“I’m not going to.” Roman sighed.

“Well,” Logan adjusted his glasses. “We still have an extra bedroom here, Roman. If you’re comfortable, it would save you the worry of finding another cheap place to live.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s what I’m going to do,” Roman said, relief flooding through him. “I just wanted to make sure that was… okay.”

“Of course it is, you knucklehead!” Patton beamed. Roman smiled.

“Well, thanks.” he looked at the floor, flushing as he continued. “Love you guys.”

The house they lived in was closer to the suburbs, but still very near Roman’s work and Remy’s place. It was small - but it was a house and Logan owned it. Roman had learned by now that he and Virgil owned a small but growing platform in the computer programming world. Logan would program, Virgil helped with Design, and Patton taught middle school kids History. 

It was an old place, with the door opening into a hallway instead of having open-plan living. But that was fine. The master bedroom was at the front of the house and across from it was the guest room - Roman’s new room was at the back of the house past the kitchen and living room. He’d chosen it just to feel a bit more secure and, not that he’d tell them this, but separate from the three of them - who shared the master suite. And he wouldn’t wake them up if he had nightmares, which was a plus.

He just wasn’t ready to share all his space with another person like that - but the bedroom should be alright. He loved them, and he really wanted to make this work.

So, the weekend before Patton’s students started school again, they helped Roman pack all his stuff and move it to the house. Remy helped as well, fully embarrassing him as he talked about what he and Roman got up to when they were still in college.

There was one moment, though, that made Remy being there worth it. Patton and Logan were on a trip down to the car, and Virgil was in the bathroom. Remy walked over as Roman located the box of blades in the closet - worried that one of his boyfriends had found it. They hadn’t - it was still the way he’d left it. 

“You taking that with you?” Remy asked softly, making him jump. Roman gripped the box tighter, chewing on his lip. “You don’t need it, hon.”

“I just…” Roman pulled it open and looked down at the blades and pack of tissues inside. “What if I do?”

“You don’t.” Remy pushed the lid closed again. Roman stared at the floor. “Roman, as much as I’m giving them a hard time, I know these boys are right for you. They care about you, and you never needed this. Having them with you will make it seem like an option - trust me on this.”

“I do.” Roman sighed, pressing the box into Remy’s hands. “Just… can we throw it away? And not let them see?”

“They don’t know?” Remy eyed the sleeve of Roman’s shirt with a raised brow. It wasn’t long - but it wasn’t short either. It fell right where it needed to fall to keep most of the scars hidden.

“No.” Roman shook his head. “They don’t need to. As you said, it’s not an option anymore right? It’s the past.” Remy nodded, hugging Roman tightly before stepping back and putting the box down to help Roman collect the last few things he needed.

“We’ll bury that in some empty lot.” he declared. “It’ll be a ceremony.”

“No, we won't.” Roman rolled his eyes. “We’ll throw it away and forget about it because it's not a big deal.”

“What’s a big deal?” Roman looked up in surprise when Virgil poked his head in.

“Me,” Remy replied immediately. Roman hadn’t expected him to say that and laughed, a hand flying to his mouth to try and quiet it. Virgil rolled his eyes, a small smirk on his face.

“Right, of course. Anyway, we’re basically done out there, Roman. What else do you need?”

“Just this.” Roman closed the final box and stood up. “Thanks for the help.”

“No problem. That important?” Virgil turned to the bed and Roman shook his head.

“It’s just garbage.” he grabbed it and put it on top of the box he was holding. “We’ll throw it away in the dumpster - outside.”

“I suggested burning it, but Roman’s a wimp.” Remy sighed, following them to the table as Roman turned to survey the small living area he’d been in for so long. It was scarily blank - nothing reminded him of home anymore. No clutter, no giant quilts from his grandma, just the furniture he didn’t own and blank walls.

He threw the box of blades away and closed the dumpster tightly - and it felt weird. Good weird, but weird all the same. Like he was throwing away a piece of himself.

Remy walked with him to the car, giving him a hug before letting him leave with the other three.

“Starbucks on Monday,” he said, pointing at him. Roman smiled.

“Of course.”

Then Logan started the car, and Remy walked away toward his own apartment. Roman turned from the window and beamed, joining into his boyfriends' conversation.

Things would be okay. For a long time, there had been nowhere to go but up.

**0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

“Hey Ro?” Roman looked up from his computer - where he’d been trying his best to outline the start of his next idea. Virgil sat cross-legged on the couch, both of Roman’s books on his lap. It was really weird to see people reading those - even though Roman had given them to him.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Why did you dedicate them both to Remy?” Virgil asked, lifting his head. “I mean, he’s your best friend and they’re your books and you can do whatever you want, but is there a reason?”

“What are you talking about?” Roman got up to go see what he meant. “I didn't dedicate them both to Remy.” He looked at the writing and nodded, pointing to the first one he’d published. “See, this one’s to Remus.”

“That’s not Remy’s actual name?” Virgil seemed surprised and Roman laughed, flopping onto the couch next to him.

“Nope. Remy’s name is Remy. I get why you were confused, though. I call them both my brother in the books, don’t I?”

“It's implied you’re close, at least.” Virgil read the inscriptions again. “So who’s Remus?”

“Remus is my twin brother,” Roman mumbled, putting his hands behind his head as his head fall back onto the couch.

“Oh.” Virgil seemed surprised about that, too. It made sense. Roman talked to them about all the people in his life - Remy, his grandmother, his parents, his cousins. He didn’t talk about Remus, though. It was a weird thing to bring up. The unspoken question hung in the air and Roman sighed, pulling his legs up to sit cross-legged like Virgil was.

“When we were seniors in high school,” he said softly. “Remus was having a really hard time. Harder than I realized, at least. He was always different, and he liked to challenge everything. Every idea, every word, every authority figure, even himself. He pushed himself too hard, and he listened to people’s words even though he claimed not to.”

Virgil stayed silent, just listening. Roman appreciated it.

“And I guess it all got to be too much for him or something.” Roman took a slow breath. “So right after we graduated, he committed suicide.” He smiled sadly, turning to look at Virgil. “It’s been years, really. Seven in June. I just wish he’d let it get better.”

“I’m sorry.” Virgil held out his arms, hesitant. “Can I hug you?” Roman nodded, leaning into his boyfriend's embrace.

“I’m alright, now,” Roman promised. “I’ve accepted it. If I didn’t, he’d just come back from the dead to tell me I’m being an idiot.” He paused. “He was a lot like Remy, actually. It’s weird.”

“He sounds like a fun time.” Virgil chuckled. Roman nodded, smile growing a bit wider.

“He was. I mean, we were brothers. We argued and fought all the time, and he didn’t care if anyone insulted him. But if he heard someone said something about me, or to me, well. It’s a miracle he did graduate on time with all the instances he got suspended.”

“Wow.” Virgil looked impressed. “If I knew him in high school, I’d probably either have idolized the guy or been killed by him.”

“Yeah.” Roman agreed, smiling sadly at the memories he’d allowed to mind. “That’s how a lot of people felt. Y’know? I mean, I never agreed with him being so violent, and breaking rules. But it was like he didn’t fear anything. Anything at all. I wanted to be more like him in so many ways.”

“Fear isn’t a bad thing,” Virgil said, running his fingers through Roman’s hair. “Sometimes fear is good. It protects people - especially idiot kids who don’t know how life works.” Roman snorted, tilting his head to look up at his boyfriend.

“You don’t like kids?”

“I love kids.” Virgil insisted. “They’re dipshits. All of them. That’s why I love them - it’s hilarious.”

“I feel like Patton would be offended to hear that.”

“He is,” Virgil promised. Roman laughed again, sitting up. Virgil let go of him. “I’m sorry I asked.”

“It was a good question.” Roman shrugged. “And it's not like you were never gonna learn about Remus. There was never a reason to tell you until now.”

“That’s true,” Virgil mused, looking back down at Roman’s books. Roman followed his gaze with a shake of his head. “What?”

“I can’t believe they’re actually books.”

“You published this one two years ago!” Virgil protested, waving one in Roman’s face. “How can you not believe that?”

“How would you feel about seeing one of your projects in print?” Roman asked, eyebrow raised. Virgil thought about that, looking down at the cover of Roman’s book. “Exactly. It’s weird. It’s exactly how I wanted it - but I never thought it would happen. And now it did - twice.”

“You’re a good writer,” Virgil said.

“So are you.”

“You haven’t read any of my stuff!” Virgil sighed, then narrowed his eyes. “Have you?”

“No.” Roman laughed. “Geez Virgil, I only moved in two days ago I haven’t had time to go through your diary yet!”

“Oh shut up.” Virgil pushed a couch pillow into Roman’s head and tipped him over. Roman laughed, hugging the pillow and sprawling out on the couch with his feet on Virgil’s lap. “Ew, get your gross socks off of me!”

“You pushed me.” Roman reminded him, rolling off the couch to his feet anyway. “I’m keeping this pillow, though. It’s mine now.”

“When Logan starts to worry there’s a pillow thief, I’ll send him your way,” Virgil said drily. Roman balanced the pillow on his head and smiled before walking away. The pillow fell the moment Virgil moved.

“You were right,” Virgil said after a beat of silence.

“About what?”

“You really are obnoxious.”

Roman knew he didn’t mean it in a bad way, and he laughed despite the sting of hurt in his chest. They both returned to the quiet activities they’d been working on - Virgil reading and Roman writing. Instead of romance, though, Roman’s head was filled with memories.

Memories of Remus, when they were kids and teenagers. Memories of what happened after Remus passed away. Memories of Mark - always calling him names and pointing out his flaws.

Roman didn’t get very much writing done.

**0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

He had a nightmare that night. He wasn’t really sure what it was about - because it wasn’t a specific memory like the ones he usually had. Remus and Virgil were there, and Remy might have been. All he knew was that it was dark and they were in danger - and they had to keep moving. But Remus refused to follow - no matter what Roman said to him. It just kept getting more confusing, with loud noises and sensations coming from everywhere. Roman knew - even though he didn’t understand how - that he was experiencing death. But that didn’t make sense. He was alive. Right?

Then he was bolting upright, gasping for breath as he fumbled to turn the lamp on. What the heck was that? What was going on… where was he? Roman squinted around at the room and remembered. He’d moved in with the others.

Slowly, his heart rate returned to normal and Roman sat for a while, wondering what on earth that dream even was. He’d been so sure in the dream that he was dying. It was terrifying. Most of the nightmares weren’t like that. Most of them made sense. He’d had most of the dreams over and over again. That one was… new. And awful.

Roman got up, unable to stand sitting in the silent dark not doing anything. He’d get a glass of water and see what time it was. He tried his best to walk quietly but found that when he reached the kitchen, the light was already on. Patton sat at the table, working quietly on stacks of papers with his computer in front of him. Stuff for his students, Roman assumed. Roman didn’t disturb him, instead, he went to the cupboard and got a glass.

“Oh, well hey there Roman!” 

“Hey.” Roman sighed, filling his glass with water. “You’re up late.”

“I’m up early.” Patton nodded to the clock, which read 4:30 am. “But so are you, what’s up?”

“Nothing, really.” Roman lied, draining his glass and walking over to the table. “School stuff?”

“Mmhmm.” Patton nodded. “Just finishing up today's lesson plans, that’s all. We’re starting with Native American tribes today.” he looked up at Roman and raised an eyebrow. “And I know you lied about nothing being wrong.”

“You didn’t ask if anything was wrong.” Roman protested. Patton shrugged, looking back at his computer.

“If you don’t want to tell me, I can’t make you.” 

Roman winced, sitting down in the chair next to Patton’s. He didn’t want it to seem like he was keeping secrets - even though he kind of was.

“I just had a… weird dream.” he finally said. “It woke me up.”

“Aw, I’m sorry.” Patton looked back over, and Roman could tell he genuinely was. “You wanna talk about it? Was it a nightmare, or just… baffling?”

“Both.” Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry, you’re working.”

“I have time.” Patton insisted, taking his hands from the keyboard. “You can talk to me.” Roman nodded but still didn’t say anything. How was he supposed to explain the dream? “What was it about?”

“I…” Roman shook his head. “I don’t know. I was terrified - Virgil and Remus were there too - and we had to leave, and…” he sighed. “I was sure I was dying, but I know I wasn’t. Nothing was hurting me - I was just scared and I knew I was dying. And then I woke up.”

“Awe, kiddo.” Patton reached over to give him a hug, kissing his temple. “That sounds like it was just awful.” Roman nodded.

“I’m okay though,” he said, half to himself. “It was just a dream, anyway. I’m obviously alive.”

“You better be.” Patton laughed, adjusting his glasses. “I’m not ready to lose you so soon.” Roman smiled, heart-swelling slightly to hear Patton say that.

“Same goes to you,” he promised, taking another drink of water. “Thanks, Patton.”

“Don’t mention it.” Patton smiled brightly, kissing Roman’s forehead before turning back to read a paper on the desk. Roman watched him for a moment, settling back into the chair. It was weird, being awake this early with another person. Everything seemed less and more real all at the same time. It was calming, sitting in a quiet kitchen with Patton. Roman knew he could get used to it, and he was very excited to.


	6. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fluff fest.   
WARNINGS: Anxiousness, slight mention of previous suicide, food mentions. not a lot, it's just a lot of fluff for y'all before shit goes down next chapter. ^-^

The four of them were growing closer all the time, and soon Roman was wondering how they could get closer at all. And then they did again. Logan dragged them all to the local museums, and while sometimes Roman found himself bored of the exhibits, watching Logan (and Patton if they were at the History museum) geek out over things made it worth it. They’d have movie nights with pillow forts and snack trays on the weekend, watching all the movies they could get onto the television. Patton’s hugs and kisses got more frequent, and soon Roman noticed he wasn’t nearly touched starved anymore.

“You four are the cutest.” Remy would say when he hung out, shaking his head at their antics. 

“You just don’t understand romance,” Roman said with a wave of his hand.

“Damn right I don’t.” Remy agreed, feigning relief. Patton would just respond by hugging him, to which Remy would struggle but Roman knew he didn’t mind.

And things were good. And Roman felt better than he ever had. 

“So,” Virgil said one night at the beginning of December as they drove home from the planetarium. “My parents want us to spend Christmas with them.”

“All of us?” Patton asked in surprise, from where he was sitting next to Roman in the back seat.

“Yeah.” Virgil laughed lightly, glancing around at them with a grim expression. “I mean, they’re still the same way they always have been, and they don’t understand our relationship, but…”

“You haven’t seen them in a while.” Logan pointed out, turning down their darkened street. “They miss you.”

“I know!” Virgil complained, then looked at Roman. “My parents live in Ohio, by the way. They ask us to visit them every year - but we went to Patton’s parents last Christmas.”

“That sounds delightful!” Roman declared, beaming. “We may actually experience snow, too! Ohio gets snow, right?”

“Yes, they do.” Virgil laughed. “A lot, usually. And I wanted to talk about it with you guys in case anyone else had plans.” 

“I usually just hang out with Remy on Christmas.” Roman shrugged. 

He loved his family, but they hadn’t spent the holidays together since Remus passed away. It was painful for all of them, and after their attempt the first year, the tradition had failed to be established. He communicated with them regularly, but they rarely got together. Both because his parents had moved to California, and because of Remus.

“My family is going to Egypt this year - but I wasn’t going anyway,” Patton said cheerfully. “I wanted to spend it with all of you!” Roman chuckled, kissing Patton’s cheek lightly.

“How adorable.”

“It looks like we’re going to Ohio,” Logan said lightly, attempting to keep the amusement out of his voice. Virgil rolled his eyes at all of them, but he was smiling.

“Okay, I’ll let them know.” he chuckled. “They’re excited to meet Roman, anyway.”

“I said hello when you called them a few weeks ago!” Roman protested. Virgil ignored him.

So, the next few weeks were a blur of planning, scheduling work off, and discussions in preparation for the trip. They were going up for two weeks - for Christmas and New Years - and would be home just in time for the next semester to start at Patton’s school.

“They mean well,” Virgil said, chewing on his thumbnail one night, a few days before they were leaving. “I mean, they really have no idea about the Queer community, but they’re supportive. And they accepted me being trans, and they love Logan and Patton already,”

“You’re rambling, dear,” Logan said.

“The point is,” Virgil spoke louder, looking at Roman. “They might ask you some weird questions. I told them not to - I tell them not to every single time we see them, but they always say something or ask, and-”

“I think I’ll be alright.” Roman laughed lightly, shaking his head. “They’ll love me.”

“Not more than I do!” Patton sang, kissing Roman’s temple and tickling him. Roman yelped, pushing him away. Patton giggled sheepishly. “Sorry, sorry. I’m just excited for Christmas!”

“I will never understand that.” Logan sighed softly, shaking his head. Roman raised an eyebrow.

“Logan doesn’t celebrate any holidays - or he didn’t before he met us.” Virgil laughed. “He found them illogical - and he’s not religious, so there was no reason to.”

“Um, for fun!” Roman said, jumping to his feet. “For presents! For an excuse to play the same ten songs sung by five different artists over and over again on the radio for a month and a half! For the decorations!”

“Wow.” Virgil chuckled. “You are passionate.”

“Of course!” Roman struck a pose, then spun into a dramatic bow. “Christmas is the best time of the year! Do you know how annoying it is to crave eggnog in the spring? No one sells eggnog in the spring! They sell it for Christmas!”

“Good point.” Virgil laughed. 

“You’ve changed my mind.” Logan declared. “Christmas is eggnog season, and therefore a valid time of celebration.”

“I can’t tell if that was sarcastic or not, so I’m going to assume it wasn’t!” Roman announced, flopping back onto the couch between Virgil and Patton.

A few days later, it was time to go to the airport. Virgil was anxious - as always - but everything was going as smoothly as it could.

“You four have fun,” Remy said as he helped them pack the car. “Not too much, of course.”

“Remy!” Roman punched him lightly and Remy laughed.

“I’m not worried about you, darling.” he pointed out. Roman shrugged, face still warm in embarrassment. “Enjoy the cold, though. You’re privileged enough not to despise it.”

“You’re weird enough not to love it.” Roman shot back, closing the trunk of the car.

“Do we have the tickets?” Virgil asked, voice tight with worry. Logan held them up, then slipped them into his jacket pocket. “Okay, do we have-”

“A dog?” Patton’s face lit up and Virgil sighed - though some of the stress seemed to leave him.

“We don’t have a dog,” Logan confirmed.

“Do we have-”

“You have everything!” Remy declared, patting Roman’s shoulder. “As long as you don’t forget my boy at the airport like Home Alone, you’ll be golden.”

“Right. Do we have everyone?” Virgil chewed on his thumbnail again, eyes skating over them. “How many-”

“There’s four of us.” Logan soothed. “You have three boyfriends, Virgil. And we’re all here, and you need to remember to breathe.”

“Right.” Virgil took a deep breath - and Roman wondered how long it had been since he actually had remembered to breathe. “Okay, okay. Who’s driving, again?”

“Me!” Patton cheered, hand flying up. “I’m getting so much better, Vee, I swear! I drive to work every day now, remember?”

“Right. Right.” Virgil nodded, letting Logan pull him toward the car.

“I’m helping to navigate,” Logan added, kissing him gently. “And Roman is moral support.”

“And DJ!” Roman whooped.

“The airport is only an hour away,” Remy said, laughing at their antics.

“One hour of Disney!” Roman agreed.

“Okay, okay,” Virgil repeated, getting into the car. “Did we turn off the lights?”

“Yes.” Logan chuckled. “And we locked the door, and turned off the heating so the bill isn’t so big.”

“Did we-”

“We locked the back door, too.” Logan sighed. “And the windows.”

“We better go.” Virgil looked at his watch, biting his lip in an attempt to stop chewing his fingernails. “We need to-”

“Alrighty!” Patton bounced to the drivers' side and Roman got into the car beside Virgil, offering his hand to hold that Virgil refused with a quick shake of his head. Still anxious. 

They were just down the block when Virgil finally spoke again.

“Is the stove on? Did we leave the fridg-”

“We closed the fridge and I made sure the stove was off,” Logan promised. Virgil sighed, finally taking Roman’s offered hand. Roman leaned forward to plug his phone into the radio console, starting up his playlist with the few songs that weren’t too obnoxious or loud.

Virgil mumbled softly the whole way there, noting things he might need to do, or notice, or re-check before getting on the plane. Roman listened idly, humming along to the music, and rubbed Virgil’s knuckled with his thumb every now and then.

Once on the plane, Virgil seemed to calm down considerably.

“Nothing I can do now,” he said dully, seated between Roman and Logan, with Patton just across the aisle from them. “I’m at the mercy of the elements, whatever happens, happens.”

“And nothing bad will happen.” Logan patted his arm with a smile. 

“We’ll see.” was all Virgil said before he slipped on his headphones, zoning out completely for the two-hour flight.

Virgil's family met them at the airport. His parents and one brother, as well as his brothers' ten-year-old son.

They exchanged hugs, introductions, and jokes as they retrieved the luggage and started out to the parking garage. Roman had known Virgil had a brother. It hadn’t been discussed a lot, but he knew the guy existed. He was seven years older than Virgil, and his wife and two other kids had stayed at their parents' house so they could fit everyone in the car. Roman had known Virgil’s brother was older and straight, but he’d just imagined Remus whenever hearing about the guy. And, as Virgil’s entire family was of Polynesian descent, that was not the case.

“It's snug,” Virgil mumbled, wedged between Roman and Logan in the backseat.

“Ah, it’ll keep us warm!” Patton supplied from Logan’s other side. Virgil chuckled, nodding a bit.

“Yeah, I know.” he rolled his eyes at Roman, and Roman grabbed his hand again. Virgil squeezed it in appreciation, and Roman wondered how anxious he really was.

**0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0**

They lived in the country - with a big house and a big, snow-covered yard. Virgil’s brother, Alex, was friendly. His kids - the ten-year-old being the oldest, followed by an eight-year-old and a five-year-old - were loud, but Roman didn’t mind. 

“Are you in love with Vee?” the eight-year-old demanded the first night they sat down to eat - pizza, delivered an hour after they arrived. Roman smiled, and Virgil buried his face in his hands.

“Yes, I am!” Roman declared grandly, grinning at Virgil’s embarrassed face. “He’s the most handsome prince I’ve ever met! Other than Logan and Patton, of course,” he added at Logan’s mock offense. “They’re tied.”

“Like a race!” the five-year-old cheered. 

Roman did apologize later, but Virgil just shook his head.

“It was sweet,” he mumbled into his pillow. “I’m just anxious. I’ll be better tomorrow. Maybe the day after that.” 

And that was that. The four of them shared a guest room - Roman opted to make a bed on the floor, both for his comfort and the fact that they might not all fit on the single bed. 

Christmas was a chaotic day - with there being three children and Patton to yell and laugh loudly over presents and jokes and wrapping paper. But it was good. 

As always, the holiday brought an ache to Roman’s heart with the absence of Remus, but it was smaller now. As it had been every year. He’d let himself go all out with their gifts, taking the money he earned from the books - all of which he put into savings, using just his bookstore salary to pay bills - and they loved them. 

It was also the first day that Virgil’s fear had been realized when Alex sat beside Roman on the couch to talk.

“How’d you meet the guys?” he asked - not inappropriate or weird yet - Roman smiled.

“A thrilling tale!” he declared dramatically, running a hand through his hair. “I work at a bookstore, and Logan needed to find a book of conspiracies that Virgil had yet to read, and asked for some assistance. One thing led to another, and soon I found myself held captive by their collective beauty. Truly, the best thing my job had ever done for me.”

“Wow.” Alex laughed, eyes sparkling the same way Virgil’s did. “You are my brothers polar opposite, aren’t you?”

“Only in appearance!” Roman laughed. “Virgil and I are both writers - though I admit I’ve published more books than he has. And Thespians! Though he prefers stage crew, I know he’s performed before and loved it!”

“Sounds like you know him.” Alex glanced at the kitchen, where Virgil and Patton were cooking with Virgil’s mother.

“I’d like to hope so!” Roman chuckled, watching through the window as the kids started a snowball fight. “I’ve lived with the three of them for nearly five months now.”

“I never have understood your guys’ relationship,” Alex commented. Roman glanced at him, eyebrows raised. “I mean - I understand the theory of it, I guess. But now there’s like, four of you. How do you make that work?”

“Gay magic,” Roman said, grinning when Alex rolled his eyes. “You have four family members, Alex. Your wife and children - how do you make that work.”

“That.” Alex held up a finger. “Is very. Very. Different.” 

“Yes, it is.” Roman conceded. “But the concept is the same. We all love each other, and we work out the snags when we hit them.”

“Alright.” Alex shrugged. “I guess I’ll never really get it, huh?”

“Probably not.” Roman had to agree - as Alex was straight as a rod. “But Virgil has always said you do your best, and that is what matters!”

“Right.” they fell into an awkward silence for a few minutes, and then Alex coughed. “So, you write books?”

“Yes!” Roman was glad for the change of subject. “I’ve published two - fantasy novels, and I’m working on another, it’s in the early stages.”

“What are they about? I like fantasy.” Alex smiled. Roman chuckled.

“You sure you wanna get me started? I’ll talk about this stuff for hours if you let me.”

“He will,” Logan confirmed, walking through to the kitchen, covered in snow.

“I’ve got hours to listen.” Alex sat back, raising an eyebrow. Roman laughed.

“Okay, well, the first one I published is about a transgender princess.” he started, “in medieval times, or that kind of setting. Magic, dragons, that stuff and more. She ran away because her parents - the king and queen - didn’t accept her for who she was…”

As he spoke, confused recognition filled Alex’s gaze, and when Roman started to explain the conflict - a war that captured the princess’s old kingdom - he sat forward, holding up a hand.

“Wai- Hold on.” 

Roman watched, baffled, as he got up and left, going up the stairs to where he and his kids were staying. In a few moments, he’d returned, a well-worn copy of Roman’s novel in his hands.

“This?” Alex stuffed the book into his hands and Roman beamed, feeling the dog-eared cover gingerly. “You’re Roman fucking Tower?”

“I was when I woke up.” Roman chuckled. “Sorry, I always forget that people actually read them. They were in my head for so long…”

“Mason is obsessed with this.” Alex tapped the book, shaking his head. “He found Virgil’s copy, a couple of years ago, and made me buy him one as soon as he could.”

“Mason?” Roman glanced up in surprise. That was the ten-year-olds name, he glanced out the window to where the boys were wrestling in the snow. “He can read this?”

“Read it?” Alex scoffed. “He studies that thing. I swear you think it's battered? He annotates.”

“He-” Roman opened the book, surprised to see sticky notes covering the pages, neat handwriting covering them. “What the hell?”

“Yeah, I know, he’s advanced.” Alex rolled his eyes. “But like, that book is good. I’ve read it, too. It…” he glanced at the kitchen, where Virgil was laughing, face covered in flour. “It kinda helped me understand. A bit.”

“Oh.” Roman nodded, looking down at the pages as he flipped through. “Yeah, it was fun to write. I asked a few of my friends - who knew more about it - and they helped with technicalities.”

“I cannot believe my brother is dating a famous author,” Alex said, shaking his head. Roman chuckled.

“Famous? Yeah right. I might be popular, but I’m not famous.”

“Sure. okay.” Alex shook his head, then looked into the kitchen, raising his voice. “You didn’t tell me your boyfriend created Mason’s lifeblood, Virge.”

“What?” Virgil looked over. “Oh. He’s still-”

“He reads it at least once a month,” Alex confirmed. Roman laughed softly, smiling down at the book in his hands.

He’d seen it plenty, shiny new paperbacks and stiff hardbacks - on shelves and in boxes. But this was different. Not only was it an actual book, but it had been read. It had been loved - and Roman didn’t know how to describe how he felt about that.

“I’m glad he likes it.” Roman hummed, handing the book back. Alex nodded, about to say something when the door flew open and all three kids burst inside, covered in snow, all chattering endlessly.

Roman sat back as Alex got up, going to help them find a place with their jackets that wouldn’t get the floor completely wet, and Logan took his place, in dry clothes, and smiled.

“So he got you talking about books.” he chuckled, and Roman nodded, curling up against his chest. Logan seemed surprised but didn’t mention it. As much as Roman loved cuddling, he couldn't bring himself to do it often. Right now, though, he needed it. 

He was still surprised by what Alex had told him, and he was still missing Remus, and Logan - despite having been out in the cold - was very warm.

“Merry Christmas,” Roman mumbled to him, letting his thoughts drift into memories of his brother. Logan hummed, running a hand through his hair.

“Merry eggnog day.”


	7. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TIME FOR ANGST TIME FOR ANGST TIME FOR ANGST AND WHUMP
> 
> WARNINGS: intense manipulation, non-consensual touching, non-consensual sexual themes, PTSD, nightmares, mentions of previous self-harm, emotional abuse, abuse, Unsympathetic Patton

The rest of the trip was calm - as the holiday causing most excitement had passed - and things seemed to be going well. There were only a few awkward moments with Virgil’s family regarding the four of them, which they tried to tell Virgil not to worry about but he did anyway. Virgil stressed out once more when they left, worrying they’d left something incredibly important and would never see it again. His parents promised to ship anything they found down to Florida, and they were off. Virgil zoned out for two hours again and took a four-hour stress nap once they got home.

The term started again for Patton’s students, Roman started working more diligently on his new book, funneling the feelings he held about holidays and Remus into it, and everything seemed to be better than they had been since Roman was in highschool.

Things were good. Roman found himself waking up early every day to help Patton make breakfast and finish his lesson plans, earning tight hugs and gentle kisses from the cheerful blond. His books were selling well, and Virgil and Logan’s company was growing faster than they anticipated. 

This became evident in April - when they had to take a business trip to Los Angeles for a very important meeting - and to see some sights that Logan was more excited about than Virgil. They would be gone for a week - leaving Sunday night for a late flight and returning sometime in the next Sunday afternoon.

It fell right on Patton’s spring break - but they couldn't afford tickets for three and Roman couldn't take off work. So Patton was going to stay home and he and Roman would do fun spring break things when Roman didn’t have work.

Patton and Roman drove the two of them to the airport - the goodbye took at least ten minutes with a lot of hugs and kisses and - on Roman’s part - dramatic declarations of love meant to embarrass Virgil. It worked, and eventually, he and Logan had to go through to the gate so they didn’t miss their flight.

Patton was always someone who loved cuddles. He’d always bury himself between the other three and hug them. So Roman wasn’t really surprised when Patton buried him in hugs and kisses the next morning. Roman had work after getting coffee with Remy, but he promised Patton they’d do something when he got back at three.

When he got home, he found Patton had made snack trays and got all the blankets out like he usually did for movie nights.

“Yay! I missed you!” Patton hugged him the moment he walked in and Roman laughed.

“I was just at work, Patton.” he reminded his boyfriend, kissing him anyway. He was exhausted - work had been awful because of his co-workers and the customers, but he’d promised Patton they’d do something. And movie nights were easy and calming.

They arranged the living room into a very soft disaster of pillows and blankets, curling up on the couch in the center of it all. They made it through three full-length movies before Roman started to drift off - even though he was never able to really sleep while cuddling because it made him too anxious.

It was possible he may have fallen asleep, due to him being tired and having cuddles and Disney, but when Patton moved slightly so that he was in a position that would be very hard for Roman to get out of, his nervousness heightened instead.

“Patt?” He said softly after a minute. Patton hummed, not looking at him. “Patt, can you please move? I need some space.”

“But I love cuddling you.” Patton snuggled his face into Roman’s chest, effectively moving the last few inches to pin Roman completely down to the couch. He was probably seeing too much into it - because of his experiences with Mark - but it still made him nervous.

“I know, cookie, but I’m not feeling up to it, and-”

“Cuddling will help you feel better.” Patton insisted, tracing his fingers along Roman’s sides. “It always makes me feel better.”

“Patton-” Patton kissed him gently to make him stop talking, and he moved to straddle Roman instead. Roman pushed him away, trying to sit up. “What are you doing? I asked you to stop!”

“Ro, you don’t mean it.” Patton rolled his eyes and giggled, taking both of Roman’s wrists in his hands. “You’re just stressed, and I’m trying to help.”

“But you’re not.” Roman insisted. “You’re making it worse!” Patton’s eyes narrowed uncharacteristically and his hands tightened on Roman’s wrists - tight enough for it to hurt.

“I know what I’m doing, Roman,” Patton said, voice still as lighthearted as ever.

“...Patton?” Roman squeaked, pulling his arms softly. “Y-you’re hurting me…”

“Oh, I’m sorry kiddo.” Patton sounded genuinely remorseful, letting go of Roman’s wrists. He gently kissed Roman’s forehead. “I didn’t mean to. Want to just watch the movie, and we can talk later?”

“S-sure.” Roman choked out, too shocked and scared to point out he still hadn’t moved from holding Roman down. It was fine. They cuddled all the time, and Patton was just trying to help. He shouldn’t get so anxious about his own boyfriend cuddling with him, anyway.

Patton was probably just sad that Virgil and Logan weren’t here, that’s all. After all, that was two fewer people to cuddle. So Roman forced his mind back to the movie, unable to fall asleep until late - once Patton had gone to his own room as well.

Roman worked an opening shift at the bookstore the next day, so he only got a few hours of sleep before he had to be getting ready to go. Patton got up early with him, refraining from his usual smothering attitude. Roman figured it was his way of apologizing for the night before and didn’t think much of it until he got home around one pm.

Spring Break meant kids and parents went to do stuff. Like, go to bookstores. And wreak absolute havoc among the shelves. He was exhausted due to not getting enough sleep and the day, and desperately craved Patton’s warm embrace.

“Patt?” Roman looked around the empty living room and kitchen before going to the master suite and poking his head inside. Patton was on the bed, working on papers for school. 

“Hey Roman!” Patton looked up with a bright smile. “How was work?”

“Awful.” Roman sighed, leaning on the doorframe. He wasn’t feeling up to sitting on a bed with anyone - even though he’d done it before and nothing happened. He was too tired to control his anxiousness. “What are you up to?”

“Just grading these tests,” Patton said, waving the red pen in his hand. “These kiddos are smart!”

“All of them?” Roman asked doubtfully.

“Some of them,” Patton said, not wanting to talk badly of them. Roman smiled.

“... when d’you think you’ll be done?” he asked softly, messing with the sleeve of his shirt. Patton shrugged, not looking back up at him.

“I dunno. I have one more stack left - so probably not too long. Did you have something you wanted to do today?”

“I’m just tired,” Roman mumbled, for some reason feeling guilty that he wanted to pull Patton away from his work. “Sorry to bug you.”

“It’s alright.” Patton still didn’t look up at him and Roman stepped back.

“I think I’m gonna lay down for a bit.”

“Okay.”

“See you.” Roman softly walked down the hall to his own room, wondering why he felt so crushed about Patton’s reaction to him. He was busy, yeah. But Patton was always up for cuddles. Maybe he still felt bad about last night? Or maybe he was upset at Roman for something? Roman wracked his mind to figure out what might have made Patton upset.

He couldn't really think of anything - unless Patton was upset about him not wanting to cuddle last night. But that didn’t make sense, because they’d cuddled anyway. And Patton had gotten what he wanted, why would he be upset?

Worries flooded Roman's mind and he didn’t manage to sleep as he lay there, thinking over the past day to try and decipher Patton’s strange behavior. 

He left his room a few hours later to find Patton in the kitchen, reading a book.

“Hey Ro.” Patton looked up and smiled his bubbly smile. “You get some rest?”

“Not really.” Roman walked over to look at what he was reading - mentally begging Patton to hug him, or kiss him, or something. “Is that a new book?”

“Nah, it's an old one I’ve had lying around for a while.” Patton shook his head, still having not touched Roman in their interaction. It was weird, and it almost made Roman want to cry because of how tired and confused and anxious he was. “Any ideas for something to do tonight?” Patton asked, at least putting the book away to talk to him. “We’ve still got a few hours of daylight left.”

“I’m still really tired,” Roman said softly, closing his eyes. 

He hated asking for contact - it always worried him that they’d take it as a signal he wanted more. That’s how Mark and Nate had always treated it. But it was obvious Patton wanted to make sure Roman was okay with it after last night, and he couldn't blame him for that. It was sweet. 

“D’you think we can cuddle again?” Roman tried his best to phrase the question in a way that wouldn’t imply anything more - and he felt that he utterly failed in that respect. But Patton’s face lit up and he nodded, standing to pull Roman into a gentle embrace.

“Of course we can!” He gushed. “All you had to do was ask, RoRo. I’ll always cuddle with you if you need it, you know that.”

“I know.” Roman melted into his touch, letting his anxiety and exhaustion from the day melt away. “Sorry.” Why did he apologize? Patton just bent down to gently kiss his lips, a bubbly smile on his face.

“Wanna sit on the couch?” Patton asked softly. Roman nodded, pulling away from the hug to move to the other room. Patton hugged him again before they could even sit down, and they half-toppled into the most comfortable corner of the sectional.

Roman laughed at their fall, then again when Patton genty tickled him.

“St-stop.” he begged when Patton kept it up. “Please- I’m tired!”

“Okay, okay.” Patton giggled and kissed his cheek. They lay there for a moment, Roman comforted by the touch despite the memories from last night in his head. “I really am glad you came and asked me, Ro.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmhmm.” Patton hugged him tighter, moving similarly to the way he did the night before to trap him, though Roman didn’t mind as much as he was enveloped in the comfortable couch cushions. “I’m glad you realized I was right.”

“...what?” Roman shook the drowsiness from his head.

“Cuddling helps when you’re tired and stressed,” Patton said with a giggle. “You know that, sweetheart.”

“Yeah…”

“I tried to help last night and you didn’t believe me,” Patton explained softly, running his hands through Roman’s hair. “I’m just glad you’re letting me help you today.”

“Oh. right.” Roman nodded, only half paying attention. 

Patton’s warmth was so comfortable and nice - god he just wanted to stay like that forever after the crappy day he’d had. Not that he could move if he wanted to, with Patton being taller and heavier than he was with his legs across Romans. Roman refused to get anxious about it, as there was no way for Patton to know about his past relationships and the worries they’d ingrained in him. Patton was just trying to help, and he cared so much Roman wasn’t going to ask him to stop.

* * *

“You look awful,” Remy said, pulling his sunglasses off to get a better look at Roman. Roman scowled.

“What are you talking about?”

“Did you get any sleep last night at all?” Remy asked, running a finger under Roman’s eye. Roman pulled away, rolling his eyes dramatically.

“I’m fine, Rem. You know I have nightmares sometimes. Geez.” 

Of course, Roman hadn’t had bad nightmares like the night before for a long time. But it wasn’t Patton's fault, he didn’t know what he was triggering when he cuddled Roman like that. And Remy didn’t need to know the details, anyway. It was just because Logan and Virgil were out of town and Patton loved to cuddle. They’d only be gone for four more days, and it was Roman’s fault he couldn't rest when he was cuddling anyway.

“I’m just doing my job as a best friend.” Remy shrugged. “Anyway, you will not believe what happened to me yesterday.” 

So Roman listened to Remy’s stories - as entertaining as always. Remy could tell Roman wanted something to focus on, as he always did after nightmares. They sat in the cafe for a few hours - though Remy didn’t order coffee as he only bought from Starbucks. By the time Remy had to go to work, Roman was feeling better. So they said their goodbyes and Roman went back to the house, where Patton was just pulling a batch of cookies from the oven.

“Roman!” He beamed. “Have fun with Rem?”

“As always.” Roman agreed. He ate cookies and milk with Patton, and they watched movies and cuddled yet again. Again, Roman didn’t get much sleep.

He actually didn’t get much sleep for the rest of the week - be it because of cuddling until late or having nightmares wake him up over and over again. By Saturday, he was glad he had the weekend off from work, because he felt like a zombie, and planned to sleep through it the day.

Patton had other plans.

“I just want to spend time with you!” He complained when Roman tried to go to his room. “Can’t you sleep out here with me? Please?” Roman hesitated, heart aching at the hurt sound in Patton’s voice. 

“We’ve been together all week, cookie,” he said softly.

“But I don’t want to be alone, RoRo,” Patton begged, and Roman finally let in and sat on the couch with him. 

Despite his anxiousness, however, Roman found himself drifting off in Patton’s warm embrace. God, he was so exhausted. So he fell asleep, not waking until a few hours later when everything suddenly felt wrong.

He was lying flat on the couch, for one. He’d fallen asleep sitting up in the corner, against Patton. Patton was above him, hands tightly placed on Romans hips.

“I love you so much, RoRo,” Patton mumbled, moving to press a heated kiss to Roman’s lips. Roman turned his head away, mind working furiously to figure out what was going on. He spotted his jacket and shirt on the floor, along with Patton’s classic blue polo. 

“P-Patt…?” what was Patton doing? What time was it? Patton moved to press a kiss to Roman’s bicep, and Roman’s heart plummeted as he realized Patton had seen the scars. “Patton!”

“I’m sorry you went through that,” Patton said softly, and Roman could have sworn there were tears in his eyes. “I just want you to love yourself, RoRo.”

“I do.” Roman tried to sit up, but he was still groggy and tired, and Patton pushed him back down. “Patton, please!”

“Please, can I show you how special you are?” Patton asked softly, horrifyingly grinding against Roman’s thigh. “I hate that you felt so bad, I want to make you feel good.”

“Wh.. what the hell.” Roman pushed Patton off of him, scrambling away. “What the hell!” Patton pouted, reaching to grab his crotch as Roman realized he was only in boxers - though he’d left Roman’s jeans on. 

“Don’t you love me as much as Logan and Virgil do?”

Fuck.

Roman’s heart plummeted, years of insecurities flooding his mind. Did he? He wanted to. He wanted so much to be good enough for all of them. But they said he was. They’d said before that he was perfect the way he was, that they’d love him no matter what. Patton himself had said those very words. But now, was he right? They’d been together for over a year, and while Roman was aware and alright with the fact his boyfriends had sex without him - as he had no desire to ever do it again in his life - he’d obviously never been involved.

“Can’t you just help me while they’re not here?” Patton asked now, moving closer to him again. Roman sat frozen, just watching, thoughts racing. “It’s not like they’ll mind, Ro. We have sex without one of us all the time, and if you don’t want to we don’t have to tell them.”

“Patt…”

“We don’t even have to have sex.” Patton pressed another kiss to Roman’s lips before sitting back, eyes sparkling. “Just let me help you, Ro. I won’t go too far, I promise. I’m trying to help you.” Just the words made Roman feel uneasy and sick, but he just stared at Patton and felt himself nod.

It wasn’t really even sex, He told himself as Patton pushed him down into the couch cushions again, sucking painful hickies into his skin. He was just being a good boyfriend, he was helping Patton because he loved Patton. And Patton loved him - or so he said over and over as he grinded against Roman’s thigh, covering them both in his mess.

“Thank you, Roman,” Patton said once he was done, pulling Roman to his feet. Roman felt more tired than he had before his nap, and he felt awful and sick and disgusting.

“I-I’m gonna take a shower.” he stammered, hurrying to his room to grab pajamas before going to the ‘guest bathroom’ he used instead of the one in the master suite. 

After he showered, Roman went to his bedroom and closed the door, locking it as his head swam with confusion. He felt sick and confused, and he wanted to talk to Patton about what happened, but memories of his time with Mark were pressing forward, and he put a hand over his mouth to try and stop crying.

It didn’t work, and Patton eventually arrived and somehow opened Roman’s locked door to comfort him, holding him in a gentle hug as Roman sobbed.

They didn’t end up talking about it. Roman didn’t end up asking him what he’d done and why he’d done it. Patton mentioned it once, in a strange tone that made Roman want to keep it a secret from everyone. Including himself. 

The next day, on their way to the airport, Roman realized with a start that he was scared of Patton. His cheerful, bubbly boyfriend had somehow become scary to him. He realized it when Patton put his hand on Roman’s thigh as they drove, and Roman didn’t dare ask him to move it even though they’d established boundaries against that months ago. Things were different now. The rules had changed, and Roman wasn’t sure he knew what they were.

Logan and Virgil were happy to see them, and there were a lot of loud words and tight hugs exchanged when they came out of the airport. Roman couldn't help but feel safer with them around, even though Patton hadn’t intentionally hurt him. 

He’d just been trying to help. Roman knew that. Patton was just trying to help in the best way he could - and it wasn’t his fault that Roman was so messed up.

But Roman was still glad that Logan and Virgil were back.


	8. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHO WANTS MORE ANGST (also some fluff but there is underlying angst the whole time so whatever)
> 
> WARNINGS: manipulation, PTSD, mentions of non-con, non-consensual touching, intense dissociation, mention of previous suicide, food mentions, unsympathetic Patton

With Logan and Virgil back, things more or less returned to normal. Roman wished he could say everything went back to normal, but he couldn't. He couldn't help but notice Patton always tried to cuddle next to him when they did cuddle piles. He couldn't help but remember what had happened and wonder why it had. He kept having nightmares - not every night anymore, but he did. And in the early mornings, when he woke up to help Patton make breakfast, Patton would always kiss him a little too deeply for comfort, and keep his hands on Roman’s waist and hips for a little too long.

But it was fine. Patton loved him, after all. And he couldn't possibly know it was making Roman uncomfortable - which might be because Roman had given up on telling him. What was he supposed to do? Tell his boyfriend that he didn’t want to be touched at all? When Patton held off from touching him, it had been almost worse than when he did.

Not only that, but the things that were happening weren’t exactly bad. Any normal couple in the world would do these things, and they’d be fine. So Roman couldn't exactly complain.

The business trip had gone really well, at least. Virgil and Logan were happy and excited about where it was going, and they would talk about it through dinner and Roman would try his best to understand what they were talking about. He didn’t understand how computer programming and website design worked, which he voiced aloud one day as they were out for coffee during the day.

“You realize I don’t understand most of this, right?” he asked. Logan smiled, kissing his forehead gently.

“Want us to explain?”

“Nope.” Roman backtracked, shaking his head with a laugh.

“I have been meaning to talk to you,” Virgil piped up. Roman groaned. “Calm down. I was wondering if you have a website of your own yet.”

“Why would I want a website?” Roman asked incredulously. “I have social media, I’m fine.” Virgil rolled his eyes.

“For your writing, obviously.” he took a sip of his coffee and shrugged. “A lot of authors have websites featuring their life story, that is if you wanted something like that, a question and answer page, links to buy their books. Stuff like that.”

“I don’t have one of those.” Roman laughed softly. “I just have the info from the publishers and a stat page so I know how it's doing.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about!” Virgil beamed. “You’re getting pretty popular with Young Adults and stuff, and two of your boyfriends own a company that creates good websites.”

“If you don’t say so yourself.” Roman joked.

“I’m serious, Roman.” Virgil sighed.

“It could be very beneficial,” Logan added, eyes shining in amusement. “Especially as you start publishing more.”

“Yeah,” Roman had to concede he was right. He was getting close to a rewrite of one of his smaller stories - a realistic fiction instead of the usual fantasy. “So you want to make me a website?”

“You can help,” Virgil said.

“I don’t know anything about websites, Virge.” Roman chuckled, finishing off his drink. “But the publishers been hounding me about my ‘public image’ for a while, and that could probably help out some.”

“It certainly will.” Logan adjusted his glasses as they stood up, still talking as they left the cafe. “You never did do a signing or anything, you know.”

“I lost my apartment right as everything was happening!” Roman whined, pouting. “It’s not my fault it didn’t work out!”

“Oh, he knows that.” Virgil slung an arm over Roman’s shoulders. “Believe it or not, Logan does have the capacity to make fun of people.”

“I know,” Roman said, making a face over at Logan, who stared back impassively. “But if he wanted to, he could come up with way more creative ways to do it.”

“Could he?” Virgil asked doubtfully, looking at Logan with dramatically narrowed eyes. “I dunno if I’ve ever seen Logan be creative in my life.”

“Sure you have.” Roman rolled his eyes. “Logan’s creative in his own, weird, Logan way.”

“Thank you.” Logan smiled.

“What does that even mean?” Virgil asked, shaking his head. 

“He’s not an insane creative person,” Roman said, hitting the crosswalk button as they came to a stop. “Like me. I’m insane. Logan uses his creativity in… less obnoxious ways.”

“Huh.” Virgil nodded thoughtfully.

“Like when he put together I wrote the book you liked,” Roman suggested. “And stalked me to work so I would sign it.”

“We’d already met once,” Logan muttered, stuffing his hands in his pockets as Virgil laughed.

“I didn’t say I was upset.” Roman reminded him, nudging him gently as they started across the street. “I mean, you stalking me at work is how I met you.”

“You met him while he was working?” Virgil asked, staring at Logan now with wide eyes. Roman laughed, putting a hand over his mouth in a futile attempt to silence it. Logan frowned.

“Where did you think I met Roman? A strip club?”

“I didn’t know you met him while he was at his job!” Virgil complained. “That’s a little creepy, Logan.”

“No one ever goes to the bookstore anyway, he didn’t have anything to do.” Logan pointed out.

“You went there.” Roman reminded him.

“Oh my god.” Virgil was still laughing, shaking his head in disbelief. “Roman, I’m so sorry he’s like this.”

“You’re not a dramatic romance fanatic yourself, you know,” Roman said, shaking his head. “And I feel like walking up to a guy on the street and holding out the book is a little more creepy than going to his job.”

“You’re right.” Virgil nodded. “That doesn’t mean I’m not going to make fun of both of you.”

“Fair enough.” They walked in silence - broken by Roman’s giggling - until Virgil spoke again.

“Let me get this straight.”

“Good luck.” Roman giggled again.

“All those times you came home talking about Roman,” Virgil looked to Logan. “You just stood in the bookstore while he was working and talked?”

“Yes.”

Virgil turned to stare at Roman.

“How do you still have a job?”

“Everyone loves me, that’s why.” Roman boasted, rolling his eyes.

“Fair enough.”

“That was a joke, you’re supposed to be annoyed!” Roman pouted, face reddening slightly. “Not compliment me!”

“Well I’m sorry,” Virgil pretended to be offended. “You’re just so freaking adorable, I can’t help it. You’re amazing, and I just have to say it. You-”

“Stop!” Roman begged, covering his face with his hands. “I’m begging you to stop!”

“He has a point,” Logan said. Roman opened his mouth to thank him when Logan continued. “You really are incredible.”

“Logan!” Roman complained, pouting at them as they turned down the path to their house.

“I just can’t help myself, RoRo.” Virgil laughed, kissing his forehead. Roman turned away quickly, trying to fight away nausea. Why was he upset? Because Patton had said that once while he was doing what he did? “Roman?”

“I just want you to stop,” Roman muttered, hugging himself as he hurried to the door. Logan and Virgil let him go, following a few steps behind in confused silence.

“I’m sorry,” Virgil said once they’d stepped inside.

“It’s okay,” Roman said softly, turning and forcing a wide smile. “I just… don’t respond well to compliments. Sorry.”

“No need to apologize if we made you uncomfortable,” Logan promised. Roman shrugged it off.

“Why don’t we start on that website thing before Patt gets home?” he suggested. “You guys seemed excited about it.”

So that’s what they did, but Roman knew he’d worried them. He did his best to act fine and cheerful - which wasn’t hard as he’d had a lot of practice over the years, and he was an actor. Soon enough, they were bickering about silly things again and the awkwardness seemed to be forgotten. 

And everything was fine. Until it wasn’t.

* * *

“Roman, wanna cuddle?” Patton beamed brightly, and Roman’s heart melted.

“I’m gonna finish washing these,” he held up the dish in his hands. “Then we can watch a movie ‘till Lo and Virge get back from the store.”

“Awe, but there are so many dishes!” Patton pouted, bouncing over to look. Roman sighed.

“I know, cookie, but it's my day to wash them.” he offered a small smile. “I promise we’ll cuddle once I’m done.”

“How long d’you think it’ll be?” Patton asked, hugging Roman’s shoulders from behind as Roman started washing the dishes again. Roman shifted uncomfortably and forcibly told himself that this was Patton. Not Mark. Not Nate. Patton. Patton wouldn’t hurt him.

“A few minutes,” he squinted at the stack of dishes. “Maybe ten. D’you wanna dry them so we can cuddle sooner?”

“Sure!” Patton said brightly, letting go and moving to Roman’s side. Roman let out a soft sigh of relief, watching as Patton picked up one of the clean dishes and a towel, chattering away like all was right in the world.

It was. Roman knew that everything was fine - Patton was, well, Patton. He would never hurt anyone, especially not Roman.

But it still felt like arms had wrapped around his shoulders, unwanted, holding him tightly until he gave in and let Mark do what he wanted. Until he pulled away, smiling apologetically at Nate, who probably left to find someone else within the hour. Until-

“RoRo?”

Roman shook his head, finding himself back in the kitchen with Patton.

“You okay? Kinda zoned out while you finished the dishes.” 

Roman looked down at the sink, finding that the dishes were cleaned, and his hands sat in the running water with nothing to do.

“O-oh, yeah.” He chuckled at himself, turning off the water. “Sorry, Patt. Just got lost in thought, I guess.”

Patton giggled, wrapping him in a too-tight hug, pulling him close to his chest, thumb gently rubbing Roman’s bicep, where only he and Roman knew scars lay. 

“Come on, let’s just cuddle, you can zone out all you want!” he kissed Roman gently, pulling them to the living room. Roman forced a chuckle, nodding as they sat in their regular spot in the corner of the sectional, Patton’s hands wrapping back around him. 

Roman tried to imagine his arms and hands as a shield - protection against the past. But he couldn't.

He couldn't stop remembering what those hands and arms had done the week Logan and Virgil were gone. He couldn't stop remembering how strong they were, despite the fact that Patton was delicate and soft, except for when he pulled Roman into hugs and kept him there. He couldn't stop finding himself falling back to the past - years ago, when he’d still been in college and been dating Mark. 

Patton pressed a gentle kiss to Roman’s head, fingers pulling gently through Roman’s messy curls. 

Roman looked at the television, trying to focus on that instead of the memories flooding his head. 

Logan and Virgil came back - and Patton got up to help them put groceries away. Roman knew he moved - letting Patton up, but he found himself slumped in the corner of the couch, head screaming at him.

What? What was he supposed to do? The LA trip had been weeks ago - and he loved cuddling. He’d been doing it more and more with the three of them since Christmas, and he’d been comfortable until Patton did what he did. Now, all he could think about was Mark and Nate - and what Patton had done that day. 

“You okay?” Virgil flopped onto the couch beside him and Roman jumped. “Whoa- just me, sorry.”

“Oh.” Roman sighed, shaking his head. “Yeah, I’m fine Virge. Just tired, I guess.” Virgil raised an eyebrow, meeting Roman’s eyes. Roman wondered if he knew something was wrong - or if he could see Roman’s anxious thoughts moving around in his head.

“You want a hug?” Virgil offered softly, opening his arms.

Hell, Roman did. But he didn’t know where his mind would go once he got one. Seeing Virgil’s worried gaze, though, made Roman nod and melt into Virgil’s embrace, burying his face in the emo’s sweatshirt. Virgil wrapped his arms around Roman’s shoulders, and he hummed softly.

Roman found himself fading back into that state - where he didn’t feel alive, or even real. Complete zoning out - like the world progressed without him.

“Is Roman alright?” Logan asked when he and Patton joined them on the couch. Roman couldn't find the energy to pull himself from the fog and respond. He felt Virgil shrug, arms moving slightly.

“I dunno. He just doesn’t feel great.” he reached up to run a hand through Roman’s hair. “Ro? You in there?”

Roman hummed, cuddling closer to Virgil in an attempt to comfort his boyfriends and shrink away from Patton, now sitting on his other side.

He hadn’t felt like this in a while, now. Not completely, at least. There had been times, at Christmas. And with Patton that week, where he felt himself fading. But the last time he’d completely gone like this had been before he even met Logan, before Remy went to Paris.

It has been Remus’s birthday, and he went to visit the grave with his parents. He’d felt empty the entire time, and when he got back Remy was waiting for him. He didn’t ask what happened until the next day when Roman managed to rouse himself from the state. He’d just sat and held him, telling stories the way he always did.

Great, now Roman was thinking about Remus. The hole in Roman’s heart seemed to open wider, ripping at his emotions violently.

“Shit - Roman?” Virgil pulled him back slightly, brushing tears from his face. Roman hadn’t realized he started crying. Not a loud kind of cry - but tears still rolled down his face and he tried to bury it in Virgil’s hoodie once more. After a moment, Virgil let him, holding him gently once more.

“What happened?” Logan asked.

“I… I dunno,” Virgil mumbled softly. “He was zoning out when I got here - what did you two do while we were gone, Patt?”

“Just watched cartoons,” Patton said worriedly. “We did the dishes and sat down to cuddle. RoRo, can you tell us what’s going on?”

“I’ll text Remy.” Logan decided. “He’s known Roman for longer - perhaps he knows what’s going on.” Roman slowly managed to turn his head onto the side, watching Logan dully as he pulled out his phone.

“You’ll be okay.” Patton gently traced patterns on Roman’s back, and Roman found it incredibly soothing, grounding. They sat in silence for a few minutes, before Logan evidently got Remy’s reply.

“Ah.” he hummed softly, leaning to kiss Roman’s temple. “Is this about Remus?” Roman closed his eyes, managing a hum that they seemed to take as a yes.

“Aw, I’m sorry Ro.” Virgil held him a bit tighter. “I know… it’s hard.”

“He should be alright,” Logan added, apparently reading Remy’s advice. “We’ll sit with you, Roman, just let us know if you need anything.” Roman hummed again, loving the warmth he gained when Patton cuddled closer to him and Virgil, and Logan pulled a blanket over the four of them.

He loved them so much. It almost made Roman want to cry more. They were so nice, and he knew it was okay. Everything was okay. He knew that.

Even if this hadn’t started because of Remus. Even if the thoughts of Mark and Nate and Patton were dominating the things he could focus on. Even if Roman had no idea what was going to happen, or why Patton had done what he did, or if he’d do it again.

Things would be okay because he was with them. They cared for him, and they’d sit with him as long as he needed. They weren’t like the others, and he was okay.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! I'm so happy y'all have been enjoying this fic!! I do have some art for this, but putting pictures in with ao3's format bugs the heck outta me (idk why) so if you'd like to see, let me know and I'll post it on my Tumblr (@cobythinks go follow me if you want) and on this story in Wattpad as well.  
Thanks again for reading!  
^-^


	9. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another chapter where Roman Is Not Okay ^-^ Y'all probably hate me tbh haha
> 
> WARNINGS: PTSD, nightmares, talk of self-harm, arguments, self-isolation, self-deprecation, manipulation, food mentions, blaming oneself for abuse, mentions of abuse, Unsympathetic Patton, mentions of previous suicide, basically a lot of bad feelings.

Logan and Virgil got an offer for a very big partnership, though it would require them to go on another trip - to London this time. And even though it was in the summer, when Patton didn’t have work. And they all wanted to go - there was a problem. The offer included the cost of travel and the hotel rooms for Virgil and Logan - and it was way too expensive for Roman and Patton to go with their own money - or even help from their boyfriends. They would have had to start budgeting much too far in advance. There was just no way all four of them could go. They were all disappointed, of course. But it was decided that if the trip went as planned, they’d have enough to start saving up for a vacation to plan the next summer.

Roman was nervous. More nervous than he could remember being for a while. He kept wondering if Patton would become different again, or if he would be okay. Nightmares started up again as the trip got closer, and Roman would wake up and try to sob as silently as he could until the terror passed.

Remy, unfortunately, noticed.

“Level with me here,” he said as they sat in Starbucks one Monday morning. Roman looked at him with one of his wide false smiles. “Are you cutting again?”

“What?” Roman was surprised. He hadn’t, he realized. The idea of giving Patton more reason to ‘show him how beautiful he was’ had stifled the urge to do that the first time he felt it after it all happened. “No, of course not!”

“Are you being honest?” Remy pulled off his sunglasses and Roman sighed.

“Yes! Why, why did you think I was cutting?”

“You seem upset.” Remy shrugged. “Anxious.”

“I’ve just got stuff going on, that’s all.” Roman rolled his eyes and Remy frowned.

“What stuff?”

“Just… work stuff. Writing, publishing, stacking books.” Roman listed vaguely. “Can we talk about something else?”

“You don't usually keep secrets from me,” Remy said unhappily. Roman winced. “Is it about me?”

“No!” Roman glared out the window at the stream of people walking by. “It’s nothing, Rem. Honest.”

“God, you’re actually not going to tell me.” Remy ran a hand through his hair, whistling slowly. “Are you shitting me right now?”

“I don’t have to tell you everything!” Roman snapped. “I can have things I don’t share with you.”

“Yeah, well last time that happened you got slapped and dumped, so sorry if I’m trying to help!” 

Roman sat back and stared at him, hurt squeezing his chest. Remy looked remorseful the moment he finished speaking, but he just closed his mouth and looked down at his latte, shaking his head.

“It’s not my fault Nate slapped me,” Roman said softly, collecting his things as he stood up. Remy’s eyes widened and he looked up.

“Roman, that’s not what I meant!” Roman ignored him, trying to keep from having a breakdown. “Roman!”

“I don’t want to talk right now,” Roman said, turning away from the table and walking to the exit. Remy called after him again, but Roman ignored him and hurried out, walking home as fast as he could in the hopes of getting to his room before bursting into tears.

It wasn’t his fault. He knew that. He knew it was Nate’s fault for not controlling himself. Right? Just like it wasn’t his fault Mark forced him to have sex… Roman chewed anxiously on his lip. Was that his fault? He’d told Mark he was ace. He’d tried to explain, but he let Mark force him into it anyway. He hadn’t left Mark until it got really bad and he wanted to die. So was it his fault Nate cheated on him and slapped him, too? Because he wasn’t honest? Because he was scared of losing people so badly that he’d rather hate himself than have someone else do it?

Roman hurried inside, trying to get to his bedroom before running into one of his boyfriends. No such luck.

“Whoa, there - you okay?” Roman’s head shot up when Patton gently grabbed his arms. With the thoughts on his mind, Roman instinctively flinched. Patton’s eyes widened. “Roman, what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine,” Roman whispered, voice breaking in the middle. “I just need to lay down.”

“You want to cuddle?” Patton asked, head tilted slightly. Roman opened his mouth to refuse - but the look on Patton’s face made him snap it shut again and nod. Patton’s embrace was comforting as they sat on the couch and he let Roman sob, not saying anything or doing anything to make it seem like it had the last time.

Roman avoided Remy the rest of the week - ignoring his calls and texts and even pretending to be dead asleep when he came over one afternoon and Logan went to find Roman. 

“Are you okay?” Virgil asked the night after Remy’s visit, the night before he and Logan were leaving. Roman nodded, taking a bite of pizza to avoid speaking his answer. “Roman.”

“What?” Roman asked irritably, surprising all of them.

“You’ve been acting really weird,” Virgil said softly. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

“I’m fine.” Roman lied outright, glaring down at his pizza.

“Roman.” Logan’s soft voice drew Roman’s head up. “Please talk to us. We care about you, and… we’re worried you haven’t been yourself lately.” Roman sighed, growing aware of Patton’s eyes on him as well as Logan’s and Virgils. “Remy is worried, too. He said you wouldn’t talk to him.”

“Cuz he’s an asshole,” Roman muttered.

“What?” Virgil’s voice was thick with confusion. “He’s your best friend - he’s practically your brother!”

“He’s not my brother,” Roman said softly. “He’s my friend, and he was acting like an asshole. And I don’t want to talk to him right now.”

“What happened?” Patton asked softly.

“Patt!” Virgil scowled.

“I just want to help!” Patton insisted. “Is that why you were crying on Monday after coffee with him?” Roman hesitated, but then slowly nodded. 

“What did he do?” Virgil sounded angry now. Roman winced. He didn’t want them to be mad at Remy. It was Roman’s fault he was acting like this.

“Remy didn’t do anything.” Roman finally said. “We were talking, and he said some things that upset me. I’ll probably text him back soon, I just need to get my thoughts in order. It’s really fine.”

“If he hurt you, you’d tell us, right?” Logan asked.

“Yes.” Roman wasn’t sure if that was the truth or not - but he knew Remy of all people wouldn’t hurt him. “I’m sorry I’m irritable, I… I’m just stressed about work and my book and you guys leaving.”

“It’s only a week and a half,” Virgil said.

“I know,” Roman nodded, avoiding Patton’s gaze. He didn’t know what he’d see if he looked over. “I just miss you guys when you’re gone.”

“We’ll do video calls,” Virgil promised. “And we’ll take pictures of all the cool things we get to see.”

“And I’ll be here.” Patton piped up, forcing Roman to at least look at him. Roman nodded, running a hand through his hair.

“Yeah. Sorry, I’m being a dick right now.” he apologized again.

“Tell us if you need anything from us,” Logan said. 

Roman nodded, knowing exactly what he wanted. He wanted them to stay, and to not leave for a week and a half and leave him with Patton. He knew Patton cared about him, but the past week had been stressful and Patton was big on cuddling, as Roman had found out that week in April.

“I will.” he lied anyway, getting to his feet. “I think I’m gonna hit the sack for the night, though.”

“Get some rest,” Virgil said. 

Roman nodded, trudging down to his bedroom and closing the door, making sure he locked it behind him.

He flopped onto his bed and closed his eyes, but he didn’t sleep.

How was he supposed to sleep when he was this scared and anxious? How was he supposed to relax when he had no idea what was going to happen after Logan and Virgil left the next day? He didn’t know what to do, and he didn’t know if he wanted to know.

He should text Remy - but he wasn’t going to. He knew Remy didn’t think it was Romans fault - but he didn’t know what had happened with Patton in April. That was Roman's fault, plain and simple. He’d let his guard down, and that’s what happened.

So, he wasn’t going to text Remy. He wasn’t going to worry Logan and Virgil right before an important trip. He wasn’t going to hurt Patton’s feelings by telling him to stop cuddling with him. He wasn’t going to break his promise to himself and cut again.

Instead, Roman lay on his bed and stared at the wall, blankets pulled around him to provide false comfort.

He was fine. Everything was fine.

It had to be.

* * *

“Wanna go on a drive?” Roman looked up in surprise to see Virgil standing in the doorway to his room. He looked tired and super stressed.

“It’s like, ten at night.”

“No one else is gonna be out.” Virgil pointed out. Roman nodded, getting to his feet. Virgil seemed upset - and if he wanted Roman to go on a drive with him, Roman was going to do it.

Virgil was quiet as they got into his truck, silently backing out of the driveway. He didn’t even turn on his music. 

“...are you okay?” Roman asked softly, looking over as Virgil sighed heavily. Virgil nodded absently. “Virge.”

“I’m… stressed,” he mumbled softly. Roman nodded, watching him. “Just… me and Logan are going on a longer trip, and we’re going further, and everything is happening. And I’m worried about you, but I don’t know why, and-”

“Me?” Roman wasn’t sure if he was anxious about that or not. Mostly just confused. “What about me?”

“I don’t know!” Virgil sighed, punching the steering wheel lightly. “Sorry, Ro. Just… you and Remy had that fight, and I know you’ve been more stressed out lately and I’m not like, gonna force you to be happy because that’s not cool. I just want you to be, and I know that’s not realistic, but Logan and Patton aren’t sure either and they told me not to ask you, but here I am, rambling about all my emotional shit, and-”

“Hey.” Roman forced a supportive smile, elbowing Virgil gently. “Don’t worry - I know you guys care about me. We’ve been dating for over a year.”

“I mean… yeah.” Virgil sighed. “You just… we just haven’t talked a lot about mental stuff, and I don’t want to hurt you or make you feel weird.”

“Oh.” Roman fell silent, taking in what Virgil had said. 

That was true - mental health was not a common topic between the four of them. In fact, Roman didn’t know if they ever had discussed it at all, really. There were the few times he’d zoned out - like the one just a few weeks ago. And he’d been feeling low at Christmas. But they didn’t really talk about it - and he didn’t realize any of them would bother to think about it that much.

“And I’m an anxious guy,” Virgil added. “So I’m probably blowing this out of proportion. But I just, I wanted to see how you were doing before me and Logan took off for a while.”

“It's only a week and a half,” Roman said softly, though he knew he’d been dreading the trip as well - anxious about Patton and everything else.

“Yeah, I know.” Virgil sighed. “So, I guess, are you okay? Do you even want to talk about whatever’s been bugging you?”

Roman didn’t answer right away. What was he supposed to say? What happened with Patton was so long ago, now. It didn’t matter. Not only that, but he had to say something. If he didn’t, he knew Virgil would just get more and more anxious about it. He didn’t need that when he was going to meet with people for work - he needed to feel like he had control. As much as he could have.

So, he stretched the truth. He took the thing Virgil knew about - Remus - and lied, just a little. 

“This book I’m working on,” Roman said softly, staring out the window at the dark streets. “It's not like my others - which you know. It’s realistic fiction. Maybe not even that, it’s based on Remus.”

“Ah.”

“Writing it, and working on different parts to make sure it's safe and okay,” Roman took a deep breath, shaking his head. “I just keep going back in time.” That was true, at least. “Thinking about… about him, and about what happened. And I guess it’s been getting to me, or something. It’s been years since then, and I know that. And I’ve been better at dealing with it, but maybe writing about it is different, or something.”

“I’m sorry,” Virgil said softly, glancing over at him with a guilty expression. Roman sighed.

“It isn’t your fault, Virge. And I always meant to write this - even before I’d published anything at all. Remus was…”

Virgil just nodded, waiting for Roman to speak. Which Roman appreciated. 

“Remus was loud.” he finally said. “And he was happy - and he was angry. That was really the only emotion he ever showed… he was happy no matter what people said about him. And he was angry when people hurt other people. It was like he didn’t even care about himself, and I know he’d be pissed at me for not sharing…”

Everything.

He really would be mad at Roman for keeping these secrets, these emotions. For not doing everything he could to become the best version of himself, and helping others along with him.

“He wanted to change the world.” Roman sighed. “And he can’t, so I have to. And I know that this… when I finish it, will do that.”

“From what I’ve read of it, yeah.” Virgil agreed gently. He’d read bits and pieces, at Roman’s request. He hadn’t read much of it, though. Only the parts Roman needed to strike a hard nerve, and be poetic.

“But I just…” Roman shook his head. “He’s gone, and I don’t understand why he’s gone. And it's been seven years, and I still can’t handle being around my whole family without having a breakdown. I mean, how stupid is that?”

“It's not,” Virgil promised softly, pulling back into the driveway. 

“Yeah, it is.” Roman scoffed sadly. “He’d be pissed at me for letting it hurt this long.”

“I never met the guy.” Virgil said into the silence - the engine off and no longer humming - “So I guess I dunno if you’re right about that. But I don’t think you’re stupid for missing your brother.” he sighed. “Hell, I miss Alex and I called him last week. And Remus was your twin, right? You did everything together. And it's okay that you’re still dealing with it.”

“Yeah,” Roman was surprised to find that he did feel better. Even though that wasn’t really what the majority of his anxiety had been about. He still felt better - about Remus. “Sorry I’ve been so out of it.”

“It's chill.” Virgil sighed softly, smiling over at him in the dim light from the porch lamp. “And I get how that shit would make your fight with Remy worse, too.” Roman nodded, not trusting himself to speak in response without thinking first. “Thanks for taking a drive with me, Ro.”

“Yeah. Always.” Roman slid out of Virgil’s truck and walked with him up to the door, looking around at the darkness. Nighttime, like a lot of things, reminded him of Remus. Remus loved the dark - while Roman had never been fond of it. 

Virgil pulled him into a tight hug once they were inside, and Roman returned it despite the spike of anxiety he felt. Then they parted ways - Virgil into the bedroom where Logan and Patton were asleep, and Roman to his own room, where he flopped onto the bed.

Remus really would think he was an idiot for all this. For not telling his boyfriends about his past, and for letting Patton do what he’d done.

But Remus was gone - and he wouldn’t be back.

And Roman was fine.

He knew he was fine.


	10. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> SHIT GOES DOWN.
> 
> WARNINGS: Non-consensual touching, non-consensual kissing, manipulation, abuse, acephobia, mentions of homophobia, mentions of racism, self-deprecation, blaming oneself for Abuse, feeling helpless, Unsympathetic Patton, food mentions, Christianity mentions, PTSD, arguing, self-isolation.
> 
> Those all look fun. *evil laughter*

Roman knew as soon as they got home from the airport, something wasn’t right. Patton’s hand had been on his leg the entire ride home, and Roman was too tired and anxious to ask him to move it. Patton hugged him from behind when he stepped inside, holding him tighter than a usual hug.

“Patt?” Roman turned his head in an attempt to make eye contact with him. 

Patton loosened his hold slightly and Roman turned fully, only for Patton to pull him into a heated kiss. That wasn’t the problem - Roman loved kissing his boyfriends - but as Patton did this, his hands wandered down to Roman’s hips. Something Roman had asked him time and time again not to do. 

“Patton please.” Roman felt tears well up in his eyes, struggling to pull away.

It was just like with Mark. and Nate. They’d done this exact thing to him time and time again. But it was also nothing like that because Patton was only part of it. There were Logan and Virgil - who Roman would rather die than lose as his boyfriends. There wasn’t a way to get out of this without losing them. He’d thought about it late into the night, one reason he was so tired. 

“Aw, c’mon RoRo.” Patton smiled cheerfully, wiping tears from Roman’s cheeks. “I’m just kissing you - we kiss all the time.”

“I just-” Patton silenced him with another kiss, pushing him backward until Romans back was against the wall. There was nowhere to go. Patton’s hands slid back down to Roman’s hips, fingers slipping under his shirt.

“Patton!” Roman pushed him as hard as he could, and Patton stumbled back in surprise. “Stop!”

“What?” Patton stared at him, a mix of hurt and anger on his face.

“I told you to stop,” Roman said softly, hands shaking as memories with Mark pressed forward. “You know that I’m not comfortable when you do that.”

“You aren’t?” Patton stepped closer again, a strange tone in his voice that Roman recognized very well from the years he spent with Mark. It made him feel sick, and he couldn't get himself to move as Patton walked back to where he’d been. “But we cuddle like this all the time.”

“No.” Roman choked out, shaking his head. “Patton, I mean it.”

“Do you?” Patton’s hands slipped underneath Roman’s shirt again. Roman shuddered, nodding desperately.

“I really mean it.” 

Patton ignored him, hands wrapping around Roman’s waist to pull him close again, scratching gently on the skin on his back. Roman struggled against his grip - but it was useless. Patton was almost half a foot taller than him, and just generally bigger. 

“I’m trying to help you,” Patton said, pressing Roman up against the wall as his hands drifted father down. Roman clamped his mouth shut, feeling more nauseous than ever. “I’m trying to show you that it’s not that bad, RoRo. Can’t you just let me show you?”

Why was he asking? Hot tears ran down Roman’s face. He was going to do it anyway, and they both knew it. Roman didn’t reply, praying for anything to come and get him out of this.

But nothing did, and he found himself slipping into the mindset he’d had all those years ago with Mark, just letting Patton do what he wanted. 

It wasn’t a lot, that day right after the airport. Patton didn’t do what Roman knew he wanted to do.

He kissed Roman, and touched him, and pinched his back and stomach to leave tiny painful bruises that no one would ever see. 

But he also hugged him, letting Roman sob onto his shoulder. He sat next to Roman, running his hands through Roman’s hair as he vomited into the toilet. He whispered compliments and praise, the bubbly smile never fading from his face.

Logan and Virgil skyped them that night from their hotel room. Roman wondered if they could tell something was wrong - but if they did they didn’t mention it.

“Oh my god, the person who sat behind us on the plane was the worst,” Virgil complained when Patton asked how it was. Logan tilted his head to one side but didn’t protest the statement.

“Awe, what happened?”

“It was this annoying soccer mom - you know, like the memes?” Virgil rolled his eyes. “Anyway, she saw me kiss Logan and for the rest of the trip, she kept saying racist and homophobic shit to her husband. What an asshole - we didn’t do anything to her!”

“That’s awful!” Roman let his own worries fall away as he heard Virgil’s explanation. “You two don’t deserve that, you’re amazing! I love you all, and nothing could ever stop that!”

“Awe, that’s so sweet, RoRo!” Patton gushed, gently pecking his cheek. Roman flushed, but probably not for the reason the others thought.

“We care about you guys, too.” Logan chuckled. “We’ll all take a trip here together, someday. You’d both love it.”

“Probably more than I do.” Virgil laughed. “I’m too anxious to enjoy the cool city!”

“Maybe tomorrow will be better,” Patton suggested, eyes twinkling cheerfully as if he hadn’t just done what he’d done. As if his hand wasn’t wrapped around Roman's waist at this moment when he knew Roman didn’t want it there. “Once you get over the flying jitters.”

“I hope so.” Virgil yawned, shaking his head. “How was it back home? You didn’t work today, Roman. You guys do anything fun?”

“We did some things.” Roman shrugged vaguely.

“We watched movies and ate snacks!” Patton gushed, obviously leaving out the parts in between the movies and snack breaks and tears. “Roman’s still stressed about the thing with Remy, but it’ll be alright. Right, Roman?”

“Yeah.” Roman lied, grinning as Logan started to play with Virgil’s hair, causing Virgil to swat playfully at his hands. 

“I’m sorry we’re not there to destroy him,” Virgil said darkly. Roman stared at the screen, not sure what he meant.

“Virgil!” Patton giggled. “We aren’t gonna destroy Remy!”

“Yeah, please don’t.” Roman chuckled sadly. “We’re still friends - as far as I’m concerned. I just need to think about stuff, that’s all. I’ll probably text him soon.”

“Or you could wait till I punch him in the face,” Virgil suggested.

“Virgil.” Logan laughed lightly, kissing Virgil’s temple. “Violence is not the answer.”

“It's AN answer, and it works for me.” Virgil shrugged, moving to lay down on his stomach on the bed instead of sitting. 

“Remy would win that fight, my love.” Roman chuckled. “You have no idea.”

“Well, now I have to fight him!” Virgil whined, pouting. “Please, can I fight him?”

“Not until I talk to him.” Roman joked, grinning and somehow managing to forget his discomfort for the time being. “We’ll set up an official time and place. Logan can referee.”

“I am not getting involved in this.” Logan shook his head. “Not until it’s time to go to the hospital, at least.” 

“Lo,” Virgil sighed. “I’m not gonna put him in the hospital! Emergency room, at the very worst.”

“I wasn’t talking about Remy’s injuries.”

“You guys are mean.” Virgil threw a hotel room pillow at Logan, who laughed and ducked out of line of the camera. “Ha.”

“Very mature.” Logan reappeared, adjusting his glasses. 

“You’re one to call us immature.” Roman laughed. “Midnight Crofters, anyone?”

“That was ONE TIME!” Logan complained as Patton and Virgil dissolved into laughter. “I cannot believe you are using Crofters against me.”

* * *

Roman was exhausted. The nightmares and Patton’s cuddles were keeping him from sleeping, and he’d had to get up early today to open the bookstore. He spent most of the morning putting books away and organizing them while the cashier - a very friendly pastel girl, who was nice and very good with customers, also got to choose the music. It’s not like Roman wasn’t a fan of strange alternative Christian rock, but he really didn’t want to have it blasting in the empty bookstore while he was trying to recover from yet another sleepless night.

He’d only worked four hours the day before, and Patton had been at his side the entire time he was home. Begging to be cuddled, and kissing, and continuing to do things Roman didn’t want him to do. And Roman let him. And Roman was exhausted.

“You look like shit.” 

Roman jumped when Remy’s voice spoke right behind him, and he spun around to see his best friend standing there. He looked almost as tired as Roman felt - his sunglasses were clipped onto his shirt and Roman could see he had bags under his eyes. The latte in his hand - because even when he was upset, Remy would have his latte - was already almost empty, and it was only seven o’clock.

“You don’t look good either,” Roman said softly, turning back to the shelf he was organizing. He’d missed their Coffee on Monday, obviously. Instead, he’d been with Patton - hating his life.

“Listen, Roman.” Remy put his hand on Roman’s shoulder and Roman tensed. “What is going on with you?”

“Nothing.” Roman lied, shrugging Remy’s hand off of him. “I’m fine, Rem. You worry too much.”

“I’m sorry,” Remy said pleadingly. “I know I shouldn’t have said what I said, and I know it wasn’t your fault that Nate slapped you. I just… I wanted to help you. I still do.”

“I’m at work,” Roman said, wishing he could stop the conversation.

“Yeah, that’s why I came. You can’t run away or pretend to be asleep at work - and no one comes to the store this early anyway.” Remy rolled his eyes. “We have to talk, and you’re avoiding me.”

“Yeah.” Roman sighed and turned back around, folding his arms. “Okay.”

“I was an asshole,” Remy said, taking a sip from his latte. “And I’ve been worried sick about you, Roman. I’m sorry I mentioned you cutting, alright? I know you don’t like talking about it. But I just…”

“I haven’t been!” Roman snapped, throwing his hands in the air. “What is with you and thinking I-” he lowered his voice as the cashier looked over, curious. “I’m not hurting myself, Remy.”

“Alright, okay.” Remy held up his hands in defeat. “But you haven’t been sleeping - you can’t tell me you have been. And I just want to know how to help you.”

Roman stayed silent for a moment, running his options through his head.

He could tell Remy about what was going on with Patton. How Virgil and Logan were out of town. But that would sound stupid. All couples did the stuff Patton was doing and more - he had nothing to complain about.

He could tell Remy nothing was wrong - but Remy wouldn’t believe that and they’d get into another argument.

He could cover the truth - blame it on Nate and Mark in his past. That wasn’t even a full lie, to be honest. All the things Patton did made him remember those two.

Remy stood there patiently, apparently aware that Roman was thinking. Roman wondered if that meant he’d know Roman wasn’t telling the full truth. Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes as he tried his best to act like he was giving in. Finally coming clean.

“Okay, okay, you got me.” he held up his hands in defeat. “I’m not okay, Remy.”

“What’s going on?” Remy asked gently, leaning on the bookshelf next to him.

“Just…” Roman rubbed his head and sighed. “Nightmares. They’re back, and… I don’t know why.” That was a lie, but he was at least telling Remy something. Something he’d believe. “And I can’t sleep alone, because then I have nightmares. And I can’t sleep with someone, because I won’t be falling asleep because I’ll be remembering a real-life nightmare. And I can’t call you, because we had an argument.”

“Ro,” Remy took a long sip of his latte, finishing it off. “You can always call me. Do you understand? No matter what. Even if you punched me in the face that same day, you have a nightmare, you call me.”

“Yeah.” Roman smiled sadly, running a hand through his hair. “I knew you wouldn’t mind - it’s not like you were the one avoiding me, after all.”

“I’m sorry for what I said.” Remy groaned, putting a hand to his forehead. “I really am, Roman. We all know it wasn’t your fault.”

“I guess.” Roman turned back to the shelf, shaking his head.

“No, you know,” Remy said, turning with him. “You know it wasn’t your fault Nate slapped you.”

“Yeah, I already said that!” Roman snapped, tugging an upside-down book off the shelf and turning it. “Geez.”

“No, you said ‘I guess’. You need to say ‘I know’. There’s a difference, Roman.”

“I know!” 

“Do you know there’s a difference, or do you know it wasn’t your fault?” Remy pressed.

“I know there’s a difference!” Roman yelled, shoving Remy away from him. 

Remy stared at him, obviously shocked. Roman, for all his dramatics, was not a violent person. Not after what he’d gone through in college, and Remy knew it. Remy knew that he’d pushed past the limit - and Roman knew that it was stupid he’d reached his limit.

“Are you okay Roman?” Roman spun around to see the cashier - in her pastel blue sweatshirt and flower crown - staring at them from a few feet away. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Roman looked at Remy, who was still speechless. “Remy was just leaving.”

“Roman-”

“I’ll call you after work.” Roman snapped. “I can’t stand here arguing with you all day.”

“...alright.” Remy nodded, slowly turning to the door. He left, and Roman felt all-new emotions rising up inside him. Guilt, anger, god he was just so tired.

“If you’re sick you can call out.” the cashier said softly. “Richard’s coming in at eight - we’ll be alright.”

“No.” Roman shook his head. He didn’t want to go home to Patton yet. “I’m fine, just a little tired. Sorry, we bothered you.”

“You didn’t bother me.” the girl said as music blared scripture verses to a tune above them. “Just take care of yourself, alright?”

“Sure.” Roman nodded and she started back to the register. 

What had he somehow gotten himself into?

He did call Remy after work, sitting in the coffee shop alone with a caramel hot chocolate - even though it was the middle of summer. 

“I just don’t know how to help you,” Remy said.

“I don’t need help, Rem.” Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes. “I need sleep. And I’ll call you if I have a nightmare, and I’m sorry I pushed you.”

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Remy snapped. 

Roman sighed. He did know. Remy wanted to help him feel okay and happy, and at peace with everything that had ever happened to him in his entire messed up life. But he wasn’t, and he probably never would be.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Remy said after Roman didn’t respond.

“So I’ve been told.”

“Roman, hun, it’s been over, what, almost four years since you broke up with Nate?” Remy sighed and Roman heard him slurping from another Starbucks latte. “You told me you knew it wasn’t your fault - you did know. Why are you changing your mind and blaming yourself like this?”

“I’m not blaming myself,” Roman said, though he wasn’t sure if that was true. “I’m just… looking at all the facts. That’s all.”

“All the facts?” Remy scoffed. “I’ll give you the facts! Nate claimed to love you, but he wasn’t willing to work with you being yourself. He lied to you and cheated on you and still dared to have sex with you when you didn’t even want it.”

“Rem.” Remy ignored him.

“And then when he tells you, he gets mad you want to break up with him? How entitled is that? And he slapped you, Roman. Hard enough to bruise. You had a bruise on your face for two weeks because of him!”

“I know that!” Roman snapped, making the barista look up from their phone in surprise. He lowered his voice. “I know what happened, Remy. But that’s just it, I know.”

“Doesn’t sound like it.”

“I didn’t tell Nate I was asexual,” Roman said, switching the phone to his other ear. “I just told him I wasn’t ready. He thought I was a virgin, I guess. And I never gave him any kind of timeline, I didn’t give him anything.”

“Yes, you did,” Remy said, failing to conceal the anger in his voice. Roman winced, glad Remy wasn’t here to see it. “You gave him everything, Roman. You gave him everything you can give because that’s who you are. You keep saying ‘asexual’ like it’s some kind of… sickness. Something that can be fixed. But you know it isn’t. Where did all your confidence go? Where is all this coming from?”

“I’ve just been thinking.” Roman stirred his drink, watching the caramel mix together as it melted in the chocolate. “Like, I’m in a good place and I’m taking another look at what happened.”

“A good place?” Remy asked incredulously. “You can’t sleep because of nightmares, that’s not a good place!”

“Those are just a result of me thinking.” Roman sighed. “Listen, Remy, I’m really, really, okay. I swear.”

“I don’t believe you.” Remy sighed. “I want to know what’s up, but I can’t make you tell me. You know I care, at least, right?”

“Of course.” Roman’s eyes widened. “Of course I know you care!”

“Have you talked to your boys about this?” Remy asked. Roman bit his lip. “Roman, they’re your boyfriends. They love you, and I swear to god if you’ve been keeping all of this from them…”

“What?” Roman scoffed slightly. “You’re gonna tell them another story like you do to embarrass me? Sit down with coffees and spill the tea, only not about a lip piercing? You’re gonna tell them everything those two did to me and drink three lattes?” he was growing more angry with every word, despite trying to stay calm. “Is that what you’re going to do, Remy?”

“I’m going to try and help you!” Remy snapped. “Listen to yourself, Roman. All these years, you’ve refused to go to a therapist. You’ve refused to acknowledge what happened. You were so freaking scared of love that you had nightmares of being raped because you were going on a coffee date!”

“Shut up.” Roman put a hand over his eyes, throat tight.

“No, Roman. I’m serious. You need to stop keeping all that shit inside you because it’s destroying you. You know that, right? You’re going to end up ruining your relationship with them because you’re destroying yourself.”

“I said shut up!” Roman snarled, getting to his feet. “I just wanted to apologize, Remy. Not get told about all of my trauma. If you can’t just let me do that, then I don’t want to talk to you again.” Tears rolled down Roman’s face, and he knew the barista was staring at him. “Goodbye.”


	11. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit's going down my friends. Shit's going down.  
WARNINGS: manipulation, non-consensual touching, non-consensual sexual themes, rape, abuse, manipulation, controlling the food eaten/starvation kinda shit, Unsympathetic Patton, lying, self-harm, arguing, blaming oneself for abuse/rape, basically just a ton of shit that Roman never deserved but here we are I won't apologize, food mentions, mentions of previous suicide

Patton could tell he was upset when he got home. Roman didn’t speak to him, but he didn’t need to. Patton just wrapped him in one of those too-tight hugs, pulling him down into the corner of the sectional, to keep him trapped.

“Just let me make you feel better,” he begged, wiping tears from Roman’s eyes. “I just want to help you, RoRo. I hate seeing you so sad.”

“Patt…” Roman finally spoke, protesting half-heartedly as Patton’s hands acted before he finished speaking, going places Roman wanted them away from. 

“RoRo, please.” Patton gently kissed his forehead. “I’ll help you, and then we’ll watch Disney and order a pizza. Please.” He paused, obviously not willing to go farther than he already had without ‘consent’. Something Roman still had yet to give.

Tears rolled down Roman’s face and he closed his eyes.

“Okay.”

They did watch Disney, and they did order pizza. Roman didn’t eat much, feeling too ill at what he’d let happen to eat without throwing up - which he’d already done before the pizza got there.

He was just tired. Tired of everything. Tired of Remy, who he knew was just trying to help. Tired of Writing, writing chapters and deleting them and not finishing the final edits he needed to. Tired of being the way he was, of despising the thing that Patton swore was supposed to bring them closer. Tired of Patton, who was becoming another person that Roman didn’t know or love. 

He was violent and rough, and Roman wondered in the back of his head if that was how he and Logan and Virgil usually interacted when they did this. If it was normal for everyone but him, and if Patton was right. 

Roman knew he wasn’t right. He knew it. Didn’t he?

He had, once upon a time. He had been so sure of himself - so adamant that being sex-repulsed was normal. That he didn’t need sex in order to be happy, or real, or even just alright. But even then, he’d kept it a secret. 

He’d been afraid of it, and didn’t that say something? Didn’t the fact that he never told Nate he was ace after they’d been dating for over a year, prove that he could be wrong? Didn’t the fact that he let Mark push him back into the closet show that maybe Roman had been wrong for his entire life? Didn’t the fact that he was letting Patton do this now, even consenting verbally despite the way he hated it, show that he was in need of fixing?

Roman didn’t know. He honestly didn’t, and it scared him.

He’d lost his best friend - the only person who fully knew his past - because of this argument. He’d lost everything, hadn’t he?

Virgil and Logan skyped again that night, and Roman was trying his best to act like everything was fine and he wasn’t in the middle of an identity crisis.

“My loves! My two darling boyfriends who I miss so much it aches, how’s London? You seeing the sights?”

“Stressful.” Virgil groaned, rubbing his eyes.

“Awe, what happened?” Patton took Roman’s hand, holding it tightly and out of sight from the camera. An ever-present reminder that he was there, and that he always would be.

“Just work stuff, y’know? Luckily Logan can keep me from going insane.” Logan smiled, kissing Virgil’s temple softly. “How is it over there? Burn the house down yet?”

“Psh, of course not!” Patton giggled, snapping Roman out of the slight haze he’d sunk into.

“Yeah, who do you think we are?” he laughed, hoping beyond hope he was managing to act normal. “Have you done anything fun?”

“If by fun, you mean trying to explain to people over and over again what our company does. Then yes.” Logan said drily, letting out a slow breath.

“Just because we actually care about the product more than the money.” Virgil sighed. “Some people amiright?”

“Awe, I’m sorry they feel that way!” Patton leaned his head on Roman’s shoulder. Roman was feeling increasingly unwell, just running the past few days through his head and realizing Virgil and Logan wouldn’t be home for another four.

“Are you alright, Roman?” Roman snapped back into reality, wincing sheepishly.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine.” he wiggled his way out of Patton’s embrace. “Just don’t feel so well. I think I may have caught a bug… I should lay down for a bit.” Why was he lying? Why wasn’t he demanding Patton explain himself and promise not to do that again? Patton was still holding his hand tightly, and he stared at Roman with a mix of hurt and confusion on his face - making Roman feel worse.

“Are you okay?” Virgil asked worriedly. “Should we come home sooner? I’m sure these asshats wouldn’t care if we left, and…” 

He started to ramble, though Roman felt relieved, opening his mouth to answer when he caught Patton’s eye - the hurt had transformed into something Roman had never seen on his face. Anger. Warning. And Roman understood though he didn’t do anything but stand there with his mouth slightly ajar. Patton was threatening him. Patton squeezed his hand a bit tighter and Roman closed his mouth swallowing nervously as he looked back at Logan and Virgil on the screen.

“No, I’m fine. You guys were looking forward to the trip.” he forced a chuckle. “I’m sure by tomorrow I’ll be just fine.”

“Alright. Get some rest, love.” Logan told him. 

Roman nodded, pulling his hand out of Patton’s before disappearing into his bedroom and collapsing on the bed. Roman buried his face in his pillow, wishing he could just wake up and find this had all been one of the horrific nightmares that were so common. Instead, he ached from where Patton had bitten and bruised his skin - all where it couldn't be seen if he was dressed even in a t-shirt. 

Patton had said he should like it. That he should want it. And despite everything Roman knew about himself, he wondered if he was right. If Roman was just broken, anyway. How long would it take Logan and Virgil to get tired of waiting for him to grow up?

That’s all Roman could think of as he drifted off, sleeping with a troubled stomach, a troubled mind, and troubled dreams.

The week got progressively worse. Every moment Roman was out of his room or not at work, Patton was right there beside him. He would hug him, cuddle, kiss him - all things Roman wouldn’t usually mind. But he’d do other things too, grind into Roman’s ass and thighs, grope him until Roman was hard and then insisting he ‘help him’ even when Roman neared tears and demanded to be left alone. As if the one time Roman gave in and said ‘okay’ meant he could do it whenever he wanted. He hated it. Soon enough, the smallest touch from Patton was enough to make him feel disgusted and sick, not to mention in the need of a shower.

Virgil and Logan could not get home soon enough.

But this time, when they returned home, Patton didn’t lay off like he had before. He always latched onto Roman when they were cuddling, and whenever Virgil and Logan weren’t around he would pinch Roman’s back and chest, so even as the old bruises faded new ones would appear.

Roman knew it was wrong - the bruising wasn’t something normal. It wasn’t something he could explain away as Patton helping him, no matter what Patton claimed when he asked about it. Roman stopped asking, he stopped protesting, he stopped doing anything that might make Patton punish him more.

And oh, was there a lot of things that would make Patton upset at him.

“No eating today.” Patton pressed a cheerful kiss to Roman’s cheek. Roman stared at him. Patton giggled. “Lo and Virge are gonna be at meetings all day, and you don’t have work. I don’t want you to get sick after we cuddle!”

“Right,” Roman said softly, ignoring the pain in his stomach from both hunger and the realization of what Patton meant they were going to do.

That became a habit of Patton, he found that summer. He’d look at schedules, making sure he knew who was going to be where all the time. And on days when he was going to ‘help’ Roman, Roman did not get to eat. Gone were the days when Patton would hold him while he sobbed and threw up afterward - because he claimed Roman should be over it by now.

Roman hadn’t spoken to Remy since the fight over the phone, and he was really starting to regret it. Whenever the others asked, he’d just shrug and say they hadn’t been in touch, or lie about a conversation, and tell Virgil that the fight was not going to happen.

He’d finally finished the final edits to his book - one based around his experience losing Remus as a teenager. It was hard to finish - due to everything happening, but he sent it to the publisher and let Virgil’s website for him take care of the rest, only working on it at times he was around Logan and Virgil as well as Patton - who hardly ever left his side.

It was a success, but he couldn't get himself to care. He turned down offers to interviews or statements to talk about it - he was becoming popular and the new book wasn’t anything like his others. The inscription in the front cover, instead of dedicated to one or two people, simply stated that it was for anyone who had been affected by suicide or depression. Why he’d left a statement and explanation in the epilogue, Roman didn’t know. It wasn’t anyone’s business that this was based on a true story, but he did it anyway.

He had a copy sent to Remy, of course, but he didn’t respond to Remy’s texts or calls or emails. How could he? He’d ruined that relationship when he said goodbye all those weeks ago.

On top of that, Logan and Virgil’s company was doing well. They’d started talking about possibly renovating the little house - making it more open concept, or even moving to a different one and selling it. It was only light discussion, as none of them really wanted to move, but it was still fun to talk and dream about as a group.

Despite all of that, Roman knew that Virgil and Logan were starting to worry about him. He was always exhausted, either because of the nightmares or the fact that Patton would slip into his room after they were asleep and do things - even when Roman had dozed off as well, which was not a very pleasant way to wake up. He was losing weight due to Patton’s games, and despite the way he’d always worn baggy clothes, it was starting to show. 

“Roman, I’m worried about you,” Virgil said one afternoon when, thankfully, Logan and Patton were out grocery shopping. Roman was lying on the couch, sitting away from his usual spot in the corner of the sectional, and he looked over when Virgil sat down next to him.

“Why?” Roman sat up, brushing hair out of his eyes.

“You just don’t seem like yourself,” Virgil mumbled, forcing Roman to make eye contact with him. “You’re always tired, and… and you’re quiet. And you just seem sad. Are you okay?”

“Of course I’m okay!” Roman said, forcing a cheerful laugh from his lips. Virgil didn’t look convinced. “I’m just stressed about work, and writing. That’s all.”

“The book is doing really well,” Virgil said. Roman nodded. “You keep getting emails about possible interviews.” Roman nodded again, resting his head in his hand. “You… thought more about that?”

“No,” Roman said firmly. “I don’t want to talk about it, Virgil. That’s why I wrote the book instead, don’t they understand that?”

“Sorry.” Virgil smiled sadly, holding out his arms. “Can I hug you?” 

Roman hadn’t felt like crying that day, not until then. The simple question of consent made his eyes tear up, and he saw Virgil was surprised.

“Yes please,” Roman whispered, moving so that Virgil could wrap his arms around Roman’s shoulders - never going further down than his ribcage. Even after almost two years, Virgil still did respect that.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Virgil said softly, rubbing Roman’s back gently, soothing the bruises he didn’t know about. “I know it’s hard, Roman. I’m sorry I asked, okay? I love you.”

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Roman wiped tears away, laughing at himself as he sat in Virgil’s embrace. “Just… I’m just tired.”

“You wanna watch a movie, or take a nap or something?” Virgil asked, letting go of Roman and sitting back. Roman both hated the lack of contact and loved the respect Virgil was showing him all at once.

“Let’s watch a movie,” Roman said, smiling genuinely for the first time in a while. Virgil nodded, getting up to find the remote, and Roman pulled blankets from under the coffee table and piled them on the couch.

They watched a movie, Roman buried under blankets despite it still being August. And Roman dozed off, feeling safe as he fell asleep for the first - and possibly last - time in a very long while.

* * *

“Why are you crying?” Patton asked, frustrated as he finished cleaning them both up. Roman couldn't answer, face buried in pillows as he tried to silence his soft sobs. “Roman, I’m serious? What about this is so bad to make you cry?”

“I…” Roman gasped, wiping tears away. “I don’t want this, Patton. You know that.”

“You didn’t tell me not to!” Patton snapped, grabbing Roman’s chin in his hand. “You let me, remember? You said yes! Why would you let me if you didn’t want it?” Roman winced, though he knew Patton was right.

“Patt-”

“No. I’ve had enough of all this.” Patton pushed Roman away, making his head crack against the headboard. Stars danced in Roman’s eyes, and he waited for Patton’s gasp and soft apology, gentle touches for the next few days like usual. It didn't come. “You’re acting like a child, Roman. We’re adults! You’re almost twenty-six, for crying out loud - shut up!”

Roman gasped, curling into a ball in an attempt to stop the pain that erupted in his chest when Patton punched it. He pressed a hand over his mouth, trying his best to silence the pained noises escaping him.

“I didn’t want to do that,” Patton said, though he didn’t sound remorseful at all. “You made me do it. Okay? It’s not my fault you’re so…” he just shook his head, getting off Roman’s bed. “Go to sleep. When Logan and Virge get home, I’ll tell them you’re sick and want to be alone. No eating.”

Roman said nothing, watching through eyes blurry with tears as Patton left and slammed the door behind him.

What just happened? Patton punched him. Patton… hurt him. More than just a pinch, more than an accidental slam against the wall that he apologized for. Patton intended to hurt him, and he didn’t even care.

Roman pulled the blankets over himself, still holding a hand on his mouth to keep from making too much noise. 

What was he doing? What was he letting Patton do to him? This was his fault - Patton had said it was. 

Roman buried his face in the pillow again, soaking it with tears until he fell asleep - not relaxed, just too exhausted to stay awake any longer. He hadn’t eaten the day before, either. He hadn’t eaten in two days. He was tired. He was upset. He just wanted…

What?

What did he want? 

Roman had no idea.

He woke up hours later when the door to his room opened and Logan stepped inside.

“Roman?”

Instantly Roman was awake - sitting up blearily but keeping the blanket over himself to hide the bruises and most recent cuts. He hadn’t wanted to cut again, but he had, and Patton had stopped seeming to worry about them and had even mentioned that Roman might deserve that pain.

“Lo?” he groaned, remembering he was supposed to be sick and flopped back down in a cocoon of blankets. “What’s up?”

“We’re worried about you.” Logan came and sat on the edge of his bed, adjusting his glasses with a sigh. “Patton said you were sick and wanted to be alone, but I wanted to speak with you.”

“It’s okay,” Roman said softly, not stating the fact that he didn’t want to be alone. “What did you need?”

“Virgil and I saw Remy at Starbucks today,” Logan said, getting right to the point, as always. Roman sighed, pulling a pillow over his face. “Roman, he said you hadn’t been speaking to him since June. When Virgil and I were in London.”

“Yeah,” Roman said, voice muffled by the pillow. Logan pulled the pillow away, eyebrows raised.

“Is that true?”

“Yes, okay, you got me.” Roman sighed, shaking his head. “Remy and I had a fight and we’re not friends anymore.”

“He was worried for your health,” Logan said softly. “Mental health.”

“He’s a therapist.” Roman pointed out hopefully. “He’s gonna be.”

“Roman, this is serious.” Logan insisted. “He said you should be the one to tell us… something. Something about nightmares, Roman? And your asexuality?”

“There’s nothing to tell.” Roman snapped. “He’s just mad at me, and that’s it.”

“He didn’t seem mad.”

“He was an actor too, in college!” Roman insisted, thinking as fast as he could with how tired he was. “I mean, that’s how he met me, y’know? That’s how everyone met me! Roman, that guy in theater who’s super obnoxious and has red hair. Him acting worried doesn’t mean anything!”

Logan’s eyes widened, and Roman knew he shouldn’t have gotten so angry. He’d yelled, and that wasn’t like him. But he was tired, and he just wanted to be alright, and that was never going to happen. 

“I’m sorry.” Logan finally said, getting to his feet. Roman pulled the pillow back on his face, hiding the tears in his eyes. “I shouldn’t have asked you when you don’t feel well.” 

Roman didn’t say anything. What could he say?

“If you want to talk, let me know,” Logan said, voice softer than usual and Roman knew he’d hurt Logan’s feelings. “Get some rest, my love.”

When Logan left, Roman pulled the pillow away and stared at the ceiling, letting himself cry despite the fact it was loud.

What was he doing? He needed to figure this out.

He needed to tell Patton that enough was enough.


	12. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y'all are gonna hate me but remember if you kill me you don't get to see the ending so...
> 
> WARNINGS: abuse, manipulation, forced vomiting, rape, non-consensual touching, non-consensual kissing, violence, panicking, PTSD, nightmares, feeling hopeless, feeling trapped, injuries, Unsympathetic Patton, food mentions, being tied up, swearing.

“What are you doing?” Roman looked up when Patton spoke, standing in the doorway to the kitchen with his hands on his hips.

“Eating lunch,” Roman replied, voice shaking despite himself. 

“I told you not to.” Patton reminded him. “Lo and Virge are out today.”

“I was hungry,” Roman said, fighting the urge to get up and run when Patton’s face twisted into an angry glare.

“No.” Patton stormed forward. “Roman, you know I don’t like it when you disobey me. You know you get sick when you eat before-”

“About that.” Roman swallowed his nervousness. “I don’t… I don’t like what’s been happening lately.”

“What?” Patton’s eyebrows shot up and he watched Roman with a dangerous expression.

“Between us,” Roman said softly, staring down at his sandwich. “I tried to tell you that I don’t want it, but you refused to listen. And I don’t want to do it anymore.” 

Patton slapped him - which Roman had expected. He hadn’t expected Patton to slap him in the face - Patton never left a bruise where it would show. Roman’s head snapped back, and the chair he was in nearly fell over. Patton grabbed it before it could, then pulled Roman out of it and to his feet.

“Patt-”

“Shut up!” Patton snapped, dragging him to the bathroom. What was he doing? Patton threw Roman down onto the floor by the toilet, then folded his arms. “Throw up,” he demanded. Roman stared at him.

“Patton, please just-”

“Do it!” Patton yelled. “I told you not to eat and you did anyway, Roman! Now get it out before I do it for you.”

Roman knelt in front of the toilet, hands shaking. Patton stood over him. Despite the fact that he’d planned to make Patton stop, Roman found himself obeying him instead. He shoved his fingers down his throat, and soon his stomach was empty once again.

Patton pulled him to his feet, kissing Roman’s forehead gently.

“There, now that wasn’t so hard was it, RoRo?” he giggled, wiping tears from Roman’s face. “What did you think was going to happen, darling?”

“I want you to stop,” Roman whispered as Patton pushed him back against the wall.

“What, you think that will end well for you?” Patton laughed harshly. “I’m not the only one in this relationship, RoRo. Did you forget that? You leave me, you leave Logan and Virgil. And the house. You don’t have any place to go, so what did you think you would do?”

“I…” Roman blinked back tears. “I don’t…I don’t know.”

“Of course you didn’t.” Patton smiled gently. “Because you don’t think things through, RoRo. You don’t even know who you are, do you?”

“No,” Roman whispered, letting Patton pull off his shirt, despite the panic coursing through his body. This wasn’t the way it was supposed to go. This wasn’t right. Patton was going to stop. Roman was going to make Patton stop. “No, Patton.”

“No what?” Patton narrowed his eyes, gripping Roman’s hips tightly.

“Let go of me.” Roman’s voice trembled and tears rolled down his face. He must have looked pathetic - he felt pathetic. 

“No.” Patton kissed him deeply. Roman struggled against it, hands shaking from exhaustion as he managed to actually push Patton away. 

It surprised Patton just as much as it did Roman. Roman took the opportunity to scramble away, into the hallway and toward his room.  
“Roman!” Patton yelled furiously, storming after him.

Roman closed the door, but Patton pushed it open before he could lock it, putting a foot in the space.

“Let me in right now!”

“Leave me alone,” Roman begged. But the temporary strength he’d mustered was gone, and Patton forced his way into the room, slapping Roman across the face as soon as he could reach. Roman stumbled backward, black dots peppering his vision. 

Patton shoved him to the floor, pinning his hands down and straddling him. Roman sobbed loudly, wishing he could just escape. That he could be strong enough to stop Patton, or that Patton would listen. Wishing that Logan or Virgil would get home, even though they were a few hours away at meetings.

Despite all his wishing, though, it didn’t happen. He wasn’t strong enough, too weak and exhausted to do anything to stop Patton. Patton didn’t listen, eventually taping his mouth shut to keep him quiet. Logan and Virgil didn’t come home, and Roman didn’t escape.

Roman woke up to find he was alone. Patton had left him on the floor, mouth taped shut though he had cleaned up most of the mess. His head was pounding, and Roman sat up, gingerly probing the bruises that covered his skin, and peeling the tape off his mouth with a wince.

What had he done? Roman stumbled to his feet, finding clothes to struggle into as he tried to wrap his mind about it. What had Roman let happen? Why had he let it go this far? It was his fault for listening to Patton and not eating. It was his fault for letting Patton start this in the first place.

He had to get away.

But Patton was right. He was losing Logan and Virgil, too. And he didn’t have anywhere to go. There was nothing Roman was going to be able to do, and it was all his fault.

No.

Roman walked quietly through the house, managing to slip out the front door without Patton noticing, only to see that Patton’s car was gone. He had left Roman alone like that.

The idea made Roman want to sob, but he covered his mouth and turned down the street, knowing exactly where he had to go.

Remy.

Remy wanted to help. He knew that. He’d always known that. That was why he pushed Remy away - because Remy wanted to help and Roman didn’t think he needed the help. But Remy was still going to help him. He had to. He’d promised he would.

Roman only noticed he wasn’t wearing shoes after he walked a block and a half, but he knew if he turned back home he wouldn’t leave again.

He was tired, and his head was swimming, and he could barely get himself to focus on just getting to Remy’s apartment.

He didn’t know what time it was, and he didn’t have his phone. So Roman had no idea when Remy would next be at his apartment. That was hardly what he focused on, though, as he slumped against his best friends door and tried the handle. It was locked.

Roman let out a soft sob and slid down to his knees on Remy’s porch, glad he lived in the one apartment that had a slightly private porch - being crammed between two of the bigger buildings.

He was so tired. Roman slumped against the door, eyes fluttering shut. He just wanted to be okay.

* * *

Roman knew he was dreaming. He stood on a stage, spotlight on his face, as he stared out at the sea of people before him. He hadn’t done a lot of acting recently, mostly been focusing on his book, but now he was here. Here being watched by hundreds of people, their eyes on him. He didn’t know what he was supposed to be performing, he didn’t know the lines or the song and the hall was filled with silence.

That was fine. He could improvise. He was good at that. He was oh so good at pretending everything was fine. There was only one problem with that.

He couldn't move. He couldn't speak. He couldn't do anything.

Roman stared back at the audience, feeling the judgement they poured upon him as he failed in every way. He was paralyzed, waiting for something to happen. Anything.

Nothing did.

He stood there, frozen, growing more and more anxious by the moment. The silence pounded against his head, causing it to ache worse than ever. It had been hurting this entire time, hadn’t it? He didn’t realize. Whispers started through the crowd before him.

“What?”

“What?”

“What?”

Roman tried to speak, he tried to do anything to prove he wasn’t useless. 

But he knew he was dreaming. It was all in his head, wasn’t it? God, his head was pounding.

“Holy shit-”

The voice was clearer now, and Roman realized it was only one. But it wasn’t real, right? He was dreaming.

“Roman?” 

Ugh, he felt like complete shit. His head hurt - everything hurt, actually. Why did everything hurt so much?

“Roman, oh my god.”

Could they shut up for one minute? Roman just wanted everything to go away, why were they still talking?

“Hold on, it’s okay. Just let me unlock the door and we’ll get you inside.”

Who was that? Roman recognized their voice. He grimaced, forcing his eyes open. Remy fumbled with his key in the lock, then glanced down at Roman and saw him awake.

“Can you stand? Can I carry you? God, Roman, what…” he shook his head. “Nevermind.” Roman moved, body aching as he pulled himself to his feet. Remy caught him, helping him inside before closing the door.

“You’ve taken quite a beating.” Remy said softly, gently lying Roman down on the couch. “Let me clean you up, okay?”

“‘Kay.” Roman mumbled, a little more awake now. He remembered what happened. How could he not? He looked at the clock to find it was one in the morning. How long had he been on Remy’s porch? It had been sunny when he got there.

“Tell me if I hurt you.” Remy said, sitting in front of him with a first aid kit. 

He gently cleaned the scrapes on Roman’s face from when he’d apparently fallen onto the sidewalk and step in front of Remy’s apartment. Then he pressed an ice pack to the worst bruise - one on Roman’s cheekbone.

Roman woke up more and more as he did so, knowing he had to tell Remy what had happened. Confess all the lies he’d told the past few months. 

“Roman, you scared the shit out of us.” Remy finally said. Roman frowned, confused. Us? “We’ve been looking for you for hours - where did you go? How… who hurt you?” who was Remy talking about?

“Patton-”

“Yeah, about that. You know how hysterical Patton has been since you vanished?” Remy asked, shaking his head in disbelief. Roman’s heart dropped. What? “He’s worried, Roman. He went out to get lunch and said you just vanished. Lo and Virge came back early to help look for you - and I find you passed out on my front step?”

“Remy, just-”

“You’ve been avoiding me for weeks!” Remy continued, voice shaking slightly. “I mean, I’m glad you’re here and you’re okay, but god, Roman. What is going on?”

“Y-you told them you found me?” Roman asked, panic rising up again.

“Of course I did!” Remy rolled his eyes. “I’m not an idiot, Roman- shit don’t cry, I’m not mad I swear.”

Roman shook his head, burying his face in his hands and abandoning the ice pack.

“Ro…?”

“Th- are- is he coming?” he whispered softly, dreading the answer.

“...Logan and Virgil and Patton?” Remy asked softly, obviously confused. “I’d imagine so, they’ve been going insane trying to find you.”

Roman felt his hope drain away, and he stared up at Remy’s ceiling, miserable.

“What happened?” Remy asked. Roman didn’t speak, too afraid that he’d just cry, or throw up. Before Remy could ask again, someone knocked on the door.

“That’s them.” Remy got up and opened the door, and in seconds Roman’s boyfriends were around him.

“Oh god, Roman,” Virgil’s eyes widened and he picked up one of Roman’s hands. “What… what happened? Who did this?”

Roman felt Patton watching him, and he stayed silent, closing his eyes against their worried and threatening stares.

“I didn’t think he’d come here,” Remy said. “I was looking at the coffee shop and the theater and shit, or I would’ve… I would have got him sooner.”

“You did everything you could,” Logan said, pressing a kiss to Roman’s forehead. “Thank you, Remy.” before Roman could protest, Logan was lifting him gently, arms warm and oh-so comforting around him.

“Lo…” Roman choked out, burying his face in Logan’s shoulder. Logan just held him tighter - but gently - and shushed him.

“It’s alright, Roman. We’re just going home,” he promised. “You’ll get rest, and we’ll talk about it later. Once you’re better. Okay?”

“Okay.” Roman whispered, heart growing cold in fear and resignation. He was going back, and there was nothing he could do about it.

“You three better take care of him.” Remy said, voice still shaking fearfully. “Tell me what happens, okay?”

“Of course,” Virgil said, Roman heard the keys near his voice. Virgil was driving.

“We were so worried about you,” Patton said softly, kissing Roman’s cheek after they got into the car. Roman pulled away, feeling worse than ever.

“Perhaps no kissing right now, Patton,” Logan said gently. “Roman has had an experience, and he needs to recover before he can do intimate contact. Do you want me to let go, Roman?”

“No. Please,” Roman whispered, heart breaking at the kindness of the gentle giant.

“It was just a little kiss.” Patton said softly.

“I don’t…” Roman swallowed thickly. “I don’t want you to kiss me.”

“We won’t, Roman.” Virgil promised from the driver's seat. “Just take it easy.”

Logan carried him inside and brought Roman to the couch. Roman whined, looking toward his bedroom. The place he was supposed to feel safe.

“We need to keep an eye on you,” Logan explained sadly, pulling a blanket over him. “You’re injured, and you probably aren’t thinking clearly. I don’t want you alone.”

“Alright.” 

Tears rolled down Roman’s face and he rolled over, pressing his face into the back of the couch. Virgil sat down on the couch near his feet, and Logan sat where he stood - on the floor next to Roman’s head. Roman wasn’t sure where Patton was until he felt his fingers run through Roman’s hair. Roman flinched, pulling the blanket over his head, and Patton pulled his hand away. He only had, Roman knew, because Logan and Virgil were there.

“It’s going to be alright, Roman.” Logan said softly. Roman didn’t say anything. What was he supposed to do now? He couldn't believe he was back here, after everything that happened, and that Remy had been the one to put him here.

But Remy didn’t know, it wasn’t his fault. He cared, and Roman knew it. He couldn't possibly imagine that Patton of all people was the one to hurt Roman this badly. Roman could hardly imagine it either, remembering his boyfriends' wide smile and cheerful eyes. He was like a ray of sunshine, and no one but Roman had realized that the light emanating from him was focused on a pinprick spot, burning it to ashes.

Patton was a better actor than Roman ever was, Roman noted to himself. He was just so cheerful, there were times even Roman had doubted that Patton meant to hurt him.

He didn’t doubt that anymore.

He knew.

Roman was in pain, and Patton caused it. Patton beat him, and raped him. He hadn’t thought of it as rape until now, but...that’s what it was.

Roman held a hand over his mouth and tried not to sob - but it was no use. He knew he was just making Virgil and Logan more worried, more confused, making them feel guilty, but he couldn't help it. He was just so tired, and he hated that Patton was near him.

He hated that Patton had done this - and that Roman had let it happen. He was so angry that he hadn’t stopped it soon enough, or told Remy tonight before they got here. 

But he hadn’t, and he couldn't change the past.

So Roman just curled up on the couch, trying his best to stop sobbing, and felt cold fear wrap around him as he realized that Patton was winning.

Patton was going to get what he wanted, no matter what he had to do to get it.

And Roman was too scared to stop him.


	13. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y'all are either gonna be happy or pissed or both lol
> 
> WARNINGS: PTSD, manipulation, abuse, violence, secrets, blaming oneself for abuse, feeling hopeless, non-consensual kissing, non-consensual touching, being attacked, being choked, food mentions, Roman Is Not Okay I Mean It This Time This Is Not Good.

They made Roman call out sick from work the next day - which was probably a good thing. He still had a headache and he looked like, well, like he’d been run over by a truck. In all honesty, that’s what Roman wished had happened instead.

They were worried about him. He knew that. They made it clear with their fussing and worrying and promises that they’d stay with him.

Patton had to go to the school to start preparing for the school year, so Roman was at home with Logan most of the day. They sat and watched movies - Logan working from his laptop while Virgil handled the office. The number of times Roman thought about telling Logan what happened was immeasurable - it was constantly in his head. But then he would look over at the pictures of them on the walls, or at Logan who was alternating between watching Roman, the movie, or his computer screen, and the icy fear he’d felt the night before would return.

It wasn’t until around midday that Logan finally asked what Roman knew he’d wanted to ask for a while. He set his computer to the side and paused the movie. Roman looked over at him from his pile of blankets, dreading what was next.

“Roman, what happened?” he asked softly. 

Roman opened his mouth, the words on the tip of his tongue, but he saw the picture of Logan, Patton, and Virgil on the wall behind him. It was taken before they’d met Roman. He closed his mouth, biting his lip, and shook his head.

“You were injured badly, Roman,” Logan said softly. “You’re lucky you didn’t have to go to the hospital. Someone did that, and they need to face the consequences.” Roman swallowed nervously.

“It’s okay, Logan,” he said, speaking for the first time all day. Logan looked at him incredulously. “It was my fault.”

“What?” Logan just stared, not caring that his glasses had slipped down his nose slightly, or that his tie was crooked. Roman just shook his head, turning to look at the frozen screen of the television. “Roman, that’s ridiculous. Of course, it wasn’t your fault - you were nearly unconscious when Remy found you.”

Roman shrugged, the entire pile of blankets moving with the action.

“Can you at least tell me something?” Logan asked. “Anything at all?”

“I’m not mad at Remy anymore,” Roman said, in a tone he hoped would imply that was all he was going to say. Logan sighed, running a hand down his face.

“Why did you leave the house?” he asked, knowing Roman wouldn’t answer. “Patton said he went to get takeout and you were gone when he got back. You left your shoes. What had gotten into you?” 

Roman didn’t answer, but oh how he ached to explain to Logan why he’d left. Why he’d left as fast as he could.

“I just don’t understand,” Logan said softly, close to tears, and Roman hated himself for that.

“Don’t cry,” he begged, looking at Logan desperately. “Please, Lo. Can’t we just… can’t we just watch the movie?” 

Logan stared at him for one long moment, then silently nodded and turned the movie back on. Roman huddled deeper into his blankets, trying to stop tears of his own from coming. What was he supposed to do? They wouldn’t stop asking until he answered, and he couldn't answer without losing everything he cared about. A lie would just need to be elaborate, and it could hurt someone else who hadn’t even known him. There was no winning. Not for Roman, at least.

Remy came over around two after he got off work. He handed Roman a latte and flopped down on the couch next to him, not touching him, but close enough for Roman to feel less alone. Logan got up and moved to the kitchen, probably to give them space as he knew they’d had that argument weeks ago.

“How’s your head?” he asked, looking over. Roman shrugged. “Gurl. Talk to me. Please.”

“Better.” Roman offered a small smile. “I’ve been drinking water - Logan said I was dehydrated.”

“You probably were.” Remy offered. “You were sitting out there for quite a while.” Roman scowled at his guilty expression.

“Hey,” he pointed with the latte straw at his friend. “You didn’t know I was there, you were looking for me anyway.”

“Yeah.” Remy sighed, dragging a hand through his hair. “I’m glad you came to me, though. If you didn’t… who knows what would have happened. Or where you could have ended up.”

“It was the best option,” Roman mumbled softly, wincing as he realized that might incriminate Patton. If Remy thought that, though, he didn’t voice it.

“Well, I’m here for ya sister.” Remy tipped his cup in a ‘cheers’ fashion, and Roman smiled, imitating him. “So spill the tea. What happened?”

“Nothing.” Roman lied, looking away. Remy sighed.

“Are you serious? I’m not an idiot.”

“Ducks.” Roman tried.

“Roman.”

“An angry ferret wearing a top hat.”

“Roman!” Remy snapped. Roman winced, looking away. Remy sighed. “Please just tell someone what happened.”

“No,” Roman said, trying to keep all emotion from his voice to keep from accidentally saying something. “Rem, please. Stop asking.”

“...alright.” Remy sighed, leaning back and taking a sip of his latte. “Wanna hear about some insane shit that happened last week?”

“Always.” Roman smiled, settling into the couch as his friend started rambling one of his stories. Remy was a good storyteller - and despite the stories being embellished a little, most of them were true. Remy attracted crazy moments, it was a running joke between them. Or it had been when they talked more.

It was a good distraction - and Roman knew Remy meant it to be. Stories were what kept Roman sane when he had nightmares all those years ago after Mark and Nate, and more recently with the changes that had happened to trigger them again. That and Remy loved to hear the sound of his own voice.

Remy was still rambling on when Patton got home - which Roman didn’t notice until he’d come over to run his hands through Roman’s hair, standing behind the couch.

Roman jumped, nearly dropping the latte, and Patton moved his hands away, giggling softly.

“Oh, sorry RoRo! Didn’t mean to scare you!”

Roman stayed silent, too afraid to ask Patton not to touch him. Logan and Virgil weren’t in the room right now. Who knows what he’d do if Roman did ask him? So instead, Roman just slouched into his blankets more, looking to Remy so he’d continued the story. Remy was watching them with interest, brows furrowed slightly, and Roman felt a thrill of fear run through him.

“Right,” Remy shook it off and laughed. “And right about then, the Rhino started moving…”

Patton’s hands gently returned to playing with Roman’s hair. Roman was glad the blankets around him hid the goosebumps that rose up on his arms.

He couldn't focus on Remy’s voice, even though the story was meant to distract him from something. All he could feel was Patton’s hands in his hair - and other places, even though he knew that Patton was only playing with his hair. Remy was right there, after all. All he could hear was Patton’s giggle when Remy reached the joke, but Roman hadn’t heard the punchline. Or the funny thing that happened. 

Patton bent and pressed a kiss to the top of Roman’s head - and Roman closed his eyes in resignation and fear.

“I thought we weren’t doing kisses until we figured this out.”

“Oh, hey Virgey!” Patton’s hands vanished from Roman’s head and Roman looked up, surprised. 

Remy was watching him with that expression again, and Roman saw his eyes dart between Roman and Patton beneath his sunglasses. Shit.

“Are we doing kisses again?” Virgil asked, looking at Roman. Patton looked over as well, and Roman looked down.

“Not yet.”

Not yet. The all famous phrase he’d tried with Mark and Nate and even Patton - to no avail. The phrase that he knew he’d mentioned to Remy, as a phrase that made him think of it. 

Remy was smart. Roman knew he’d seen what Roman was trying to hide. Roman wasn’t sure if that terrified him or not. But it did. 

“Awe, sorry RoRo,” Patton said, voice just a little less chipper. “Guess I forgot.” 

“It’s okay.” Roman forced a small smile, shaking his head. “You didn’t mean it.”

“Well, it’s been fun.” Remy stood up abruptly and stretched. “But I want to talk to Logan about something before I have to go to work - I’ll be over tomorrow, alright Roman?”

“Sure.” Roman shrugged, disappointment filling him. Remy was leaving. One less person to be around to stop Patton.

Remy walked to the kitchen, where he and Logan talked for a moment before Roman heard the back door open and close. He was too distracted to worry about that, as Patton reached one hand down to play with Roman’s hair again.

“Well, I’m gonna change out of work clothes.” Virgil turned to the bedrooms. “I’ll be right back - don’t leave Roman alone, okay?”

“No problem!” Patton chirped. As soon as he was gone, Patton’s other hand reached down to tug lightly on Roman’s hair. Roman winced, glancing up at him. “You shouldn’t have run off yesterday, RoRo.” He said softly. Dangerously.

“I know.” Roman choked out. “I’m sorry.” Patton just looked at him. “It won’t happen again.”

“Good.” Patton leaned down and kissed Roman’s forehead. “I love you, RoRo.”

* * *

Roman was dozing off on the couch - finally allowed to be alone after he promised he wouldn’t leave and explained that they were stressing him out. He could hear a soft conversation in the kitchen, but he couldn't make out the words. And he was too tired to even try, as they kept warping and fading as he drifted in and out of dreams.

When he woke up, it was to the terrifying sensation of someone’s hand around his throat, the other scrambling to push down his pajama pants.

Roman’s eyes snapped open and he stared into Patton’s bright blue ones, which were darkened with an anger he was all too familiar with.

“Patt-”

“Shut up!” Patton snarled, tightening his hold. 

Roman clamped his mouth shut, eyes darting around the room. It was the middle of the night. What was Patton doing? Logan and Virgil were just one wall away from them.

“What did you tell them?” Patton demanded, voice soft but still very angry. Roman shook his head, gasping as Patton pulled him to his feet by his neck. “You really think that was a good idea?”

“I didn’t,” Roman whispered, tears rolling down his face. “I didn’t tell them anything.”

“Liar.” Patton threw him backward into the wall, the loud thump seeming like thunder to Roman’s ears. “You’ve always been such a liar, Roman.” Roman stumbled to his feet, only for Patton to be there and slam him up against the wall, reaching to grope him again.

“What are you talking about?” Roman whimpered, struggling weakly against Patton’s hands.

“You lie about everything!” Patton snapped. “You lied about being asexual, you lied about not wanting me, and you lied to me when you said you didn’t tell anyone what-”

“Oh my god.”

Patton paled dramatically, forcing himself away from the wall and letting Roman fall to the ground, unprepared to support himself. Roman slumped on the wall, too tired to do anything but pull his pajamas back into place.

“Virgil.” Patton’s voice was a panicked mix between his usual and the furious one he’d just been using. 

“Holy shit.” Virgil’s voice shook and he came into Roman’s view. “What the hell did you do? What the hell were you thinking?”

“Just listen,” Patton said, giggling in his usual way. “Roman and I-”

“Shut up!” Roman’s eyes widened when Virgil pushed Patton onto the couch before hurrying to Roman’s side. “Roman… holy fuck.”

“I’m sorry.” Roman grimaced, trying to sit up. “I just-”

“Virgil, what’s…?” Logan stumbled out into the living room, eyebrows furrowed. “Patton?”

“Remy was right,” Virgil said, hands hovering over Roman’s shoulders. “Can… do you want a hug?”

Roman shook his head, leaning back against the wall. His head was spinning, trying to figure out what had just happened.

“No, he wasn’t!” Patton snapped. “Remy doesn’t know anything!”

“Shut up!” Virgil yelled again.

“I can’t believe this.” Logan stared at Patton, expression full of hurt. “After everything. After all these years - and these are your true colors?”

“Let me talk!” Patton demanded. “Roman loves me more than you two, and so he lied about being sex-repulsed. Plain and simple. Right, Roman?”

Roman winced as Patton turned to stare at him with that expression. The one filled with warning and anger. But he looked to Virgil instead, seeing only fear in his boyfriend's face.

“No.” Roman choked out, starting to sob.

“Get out.” Logan’s voice was carefully controlled as always but filled with an anger Roman had never heard before. 

“What?”

“Get out of this house, Patton,” Logan said again, slightly louder. “Or I will call the police. Do you hear me? Get out!”

“Logan, starlight, just-”

“No.” Logan’s voice was firm. “Don’t, Patton. Out. Get your shoes and leave. We’ll deal with the rest another time, but I don’t want you here.”

“Roman is lying!” Patton insisted. 

Roman cried harder, head still leaned back against the wall. Everything hurt, and nothing made sense. Why were Logan and Virgil kicking Patton out? Roman was the one causing problems. This was Roman's fault, so why were they kicking Patton out?

“Are you insane?” Virgil snarled, jumping to his feet. “I saw you choking him, Patton! I saw you hit him, and if you don’t leave I’m going to kill you!”

“Fine.” Patton hissed, spinning and stalking out of the room. “But you’ll regret this.”

“I doubt that highly.”

Roman heard Patton stomping through the house, and then the front door slammed. 

“Roman?” 

Roman opened his eyes to see Logan kneeling beside him as well, void of his usual confidence and poise.

“I’m sorry.” Roman managed to say, feeling as if he couldn't breathe. “I-I… I’m…”

“Shh.” Virgil gently spoke. “Breathe, Ro. Focus on that, okay? Nothing else. In, out. In out. In for four, hold for seven, out for eight.” 

What was he talking about? Roman obeyed anyway, mind still frazzled from fear and confusion. He followed Virgil’s gentle instructions, eventually finding he could breathe again, and think a little clearer.

And with that, the full weight of what happened crashed right into his mind.

“I’m so sorry!” He hugged his knees to his chest, tears rolling down his face. Logan and Virgil just looked at him. “I… I didn’t mean for this to happen! I was going to tell him to stop, and I was going to tell you guys… I really was! I’m sorry. God, please, I’m so sorry!”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Logan said gently. “We are the ones who should be apologizing to you, Roman, we-”

“I lied to you!” Roman cried. “I lied to you and to Remy, and I… I didn’t stop him in time, and I… I…”

“It's not your fault,” Virgil said.

“Yes, it is!” Roman burst out, gripping his hair tightly. 

“Roman.” Logan’s voice, as always, was calming. Roman just didn’t know why either of them cared so much. “Please let us help you.”

“I…” Roman blinked back tears, lifting his head slightly to look at them. What did they think they’d be able to do? They couldn't change what happened. Roman winced, thoughts drifting between the two of them. 

He’d been so sure that losing Patton would mean losing all of them. He had almost prepared to be alone, and now he wasn’t. So why was he so upset?

“Roman,” Virgil spoke softly. “We really care about you.”

That was the breaking point. Roman surged forward to grab Logan in a hug, sobbing again. He was just so tired. He wanted to be okay. Logan gently wrapped his arms around Roman’s shoulders, careful not to touch any of the bruises.

“It’s okay.” Logan soothed. “You’re going to be okay.”

Roman shook his head, pressing his face into Logan’s shoulder. Okay? He was not okay. How was he supposed to be okay ever again?

“I’m so sorry this happened to you,” Virgil whispered, timidly joining the hug. 

Roman melted into their touches, wondering when the last time he’d cuddled with either of them without Patton being there, with his too-tight hugs and his threatening eyes.

“Can you stand?” Logan asked gently after a few minutes. “We need to get you rested, Roman. It’s late - we can talk more in the morning. Where do you want to sleep?”

Roman stayed silent, mind darting between the thought of his bedroom and the couch, both places Patton loved to hurt him at.

“Guest room,” Roman mumbled, getting to his feet as the hug untangled. Logan and Virgil shared a worried glance, but Logan nodded.

“You’ll be alright, love.” He promised, walking beside Roman over to the guest room. “Do you want one of us to stay with you, or no? We’re right across the hall either way.”

“I’m fine.” Roman took a shuddering breath, avoiding their eyes. God, they knew. They didn’t know everything, but they knew. He didn’t know what to think of that.

“Alright.” Logan nodded and smiled, stepping back a bit to give Roman space. Roman gave them each a small smile before stepping into the guest room, almost never used, and closing the door tightly behind him.

He was so tired - and the bed that hadn’t been touched since Logan’s parents visited months ago looked so inviting. Roman collapsed into it, embracing the feeling of being somewhere that Patton had never hurt him. Even if it was just for a while, he let himself stop worrying.


	14. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just some fluff and angst because let's be honest that's all anyone wants to read anyway
> 
> WARNINGS: reference to rape, reference to abuse, mentioned rape and abuse, the aftermath of rape and abuse, blaming oneself for rape and abuse, mentions of acephobia, mentions of self-harm, slight descriptions of injuries, self-deprecation, self-doubt, threats of violence(Virgil gets angery), food mentions, swearing

“So, we need to talk,” Virgil said softly as they all sat at the table, supposedly eating breakfast. Roman said nothing, just stared down into his cereal. “Will you please listen, Roman?”

“Yeah.” Roman lifted his head slightly, surprised. Virgil wasn’t demanding answers. He wasn’t making Roman talk. That had not been what Roman expected.

“We should have been paying more attention,” Logan said, voice slow and soft, just as calming as always. But the words themselves made Roman scowl. “This relationship isn’t made up of sections, and we allowed it to become that way. We didn’t notice that a wall was being built between us and you, and that caused you pain.”

“Things have been crazy this year, but that’s no excuse.” Virgil agreed. “We shouldn’t have just accepted that you were, well, closer to Patton than us. We should have tried to keep it as equal as possible, and we should have noticed-”

“Stop.” Roman put down his spoon, shaking his head. They both looked at him, guilt evident on their faces. “It’s not your guys' fault, okay? Things were really busy - crazy busy. But it's not just your fault you didn’t know.”

“Roman-”

“Just…” Roman sat up a bit straighter, running a hand through his hair. “Even if you were looking, what was there to see? The fact that I wasn’t consistently into cuddling with you? Uh, spoiler alert, I never have been. And that’s just the way I am. There was no way for you to find out without me doing something to let you.”

“But that’s just it.” Virgil insisted. “We all know you need space, especially when we’re relaxing or sleeping, but Patton never gave it to you. We just assumed you let him, even though we never heard you say it.”

“That…” Roman scowled. “That’s not your fault.” it kinda was, but he wasn’t going to say that. “Who would think Patton could hurt anyone?” 

“Okay,” Logan conceded, adjusting his glasses with a frown. “He… he was like a completely different person last night. I could see him attempting to cover it up with his usual behavior, but…”

“Exactly.” Roman sighed and looked back down at the table, shaking his head. “I mean, I hardly believed he was doing what he was doing - for months. It was only recently that I-”

“Months?” Virgil snapped, eyes widening. Roman winced. Ah, shoot. “Roman, how long…?”

“I… I don’t know.” Roman scowled, trying to sift the past years' memories through his head. “When did you and Logan go to Los Angeles?”

“Since April?” Virgil’s voice radiated disbelief and anger. Roman winced.

“Well, not… not exactly. He, uhm… he just…”

“Roman, Virgil.” Logan breathed out slowly. “It’s alright. We will work this out, so calm down.”

“Sure,” Virgil muttered. “Calm. Easy.”

“That’s just when it started,” Roman said softly, wringing his hands under the table. “It wasn’t like… as bad as last night… until recently.”

“Is he the reason you left?” Logan asked. “He was the one to harm you and you went to Remy?”

“Yeah.” Roman laughed sadly, shaking his head. “I… I swear I was going to tell you guys. But then… Patton was all worried about me, and Remy called you guys…”

“I’m so sorry, Roman,” Virgil said again, for maybe the millionth time. Roman sighed. “I’m so sorry you thought you couldn't tell us, or… or thought we might be the same. I’m so sorry he did that to you…”

“Stop apologizing!” Roman sighed. “It’s making me feel even worse!”

“I know, I know, I’m…” Virgil sighed. “I love you, Roman.”

“Speaking of Remy,” Logan looked at his watch. “He said he was going to be here soon.” 

Roman nodded, unsure how he truly felt about that. He had been mad at Remy for a while, but that wasn’t Remy’s fault. Roman was just a mess, and he took it out on his friend. And Remy was too good to hold it against him.

Sure enough, Remy arrived a few minutes later as they struggled to talk without it getting heated.

“I brought starbies!” he declared, plopping a cardboard drink tray in the middle of the table. “You all look like you could use it.”

“Gee thanks.” Virgil rolled his eyes but started in on the coffee anyway. 

Roman just stared at his cereal, now soggy in the bowl. Remy plopped down in the seat beside him, pulling off his sunglasses and tossing them down as well. He was serious.  
“So fill me in more than the text I got last night.” Remy finally spoke, after a few minutes of silence.

“Roman…?” Logan spoke softly and Roman forced himself to look up. “Is it alright if we do? You don’t have to speak unless you want to.”

“Oh. Sure.” Roman nodded. “He knows a lot anyway.”

“Well,” Logan adjusted his glasses with a sigh. “Last night, Remy, after we talked to Patton about minimizing physical contact until Roman felt up to it, you left.”

“Yes, I did.” Remy nodded.

Roman felt a burst of appreciation for the three around him now. They’d been so good. They’d been trying so hard, and doing their best.

“We retired to bed, Roman stayed on the couch. Correct?” Roman nodded when Logan looked to him. “We were woken around two am when we heard yelling, and it sounded like something was thrown against the wall.” Roman winced, looking back down at the table.

“I freaked out,” Virgil spoke up, voice very carefully controlled, Roman noticed. “And I realized Patton was gone, and I went to the living room, and…” Virgil’s voice broke slightly and he took a few deep breaths. “And he was… Roman was…”

“Right.” Remy nodded, thinking it over. “Was it a Nate situation or a Mark situation?” Roman winced.

“A what?” Logan asked incredulously. “Who are those people?”

“You can’t be serious.” Remy slammed his latte down and turned to Roman. “You didn’t tell them?”

“There is nothing to tell,” Roman muttered halfheartedly. Remy just stared at him and he sighed. “You know why I didn’t tell them!”

“Yeah, but it’s a stupid reason,” Remy said.

“What are you two talking about?” Virgil demanded. Remy turned back to him.

“Roman has it in his head that if you knew what Nate and Mark did, you wouldn’t love him anymore.” he declared. “Which is bullshit.”

“Roman?” Logan’s voice drew Roman’s head up once more. “We do love you. We care about you more than I can describe, I…” fuck, now Logan was all choked up.

“You gonna tell them or can I?” Remy asked. Roman sighed.

“When I was in college,” he started softly, stirring his mushy cereal to give himself something to do. “I was dating this guy, Mark. I was still really confused about myself, and I wasn’t sure if… if being ace was legitimate.” Logan nodded, and Virgil just bit his lip sadly. “We were close, I mean, I really did love him then.” Roman swallowed nervously. “And after a few... A few times when I tried to, I dunno, be normal. I realized that I really was sex-repulsed. The idea of those things happening, I guess wasn’t too bad. But another person, with me, it just… I dunno.”

“That’s perfectly valid, Roman.” Remy reminded him. Roman nodded, clearing his throat.

“Right, right. Well, Mark didn’t think so.” he forced a sad smile, though it probably wasn’t necessary. “And he got pissed about it. Remy didn’t know then either, even though he was my best friend, and I was just terrified of losing Mark, so… I just kinda went back into the closet about it.”

“Ro…” Virgil ran a hand through his hair. “God, he... He just, he just forced you to do that?”

“That or he’d kick me out,” Roman shrugged. “I chose to stay, at that point. I could have-”

“Nope.” Remy shook his head. “Not blaming yourself, Roman. Just telling the story.” Roman sent him a glare but sighed.

“Long story short, it got toxic fast,” he explained. “He was always kind of a douche, but he started to insult me and he didn’t believe in polyamorous people either, so I finally made myself leave.” 

“Ah.” Logan nodded. “So in reference to a Mark situation, that kind of… coercion, is what Remy was asking about?” Roman nodded weakly.

“So who’s the other guy?” Virgil asked.

“Nate.” Roman sighed, shaking his head to try and mute the memories. “I didn’t date anyone for years, after what happened with Mark. Then Remy - who didn’t fully know, because I don’t tell people my problems - convinced me to try again. Nate was really good. He was sweet, and again, I loved him so much, romantically. It was hard for him to accept I didn’t feel ‘ready’ I guess, for sex. Because I didn’t tell him I was ace. After Mark rejected me I got scared.”

“That’s why you started fucking crying when we asked you to be our boyfriend.” Virgil slapped his forehead.

“Shut up.” Roman flushed. Remy laughed. “Anyway, we dated for a year and a half before I let him have sex with me. And right after we did, he told me he’d been cheating on me for six months.”

“That fucker,” Remy muttered. Roman rolled his eyes.

“And I got upset and I broke up with him, and he slapped me in the face.” Roman summed up. “It wasn’t awful, but it bruised. And then Remy found out, and I explained I was ace, and now he’s super protective.” Roman chuckled. “Hence the death threats.”

“Okay…” Virgil shuffled his cup between his hands. “So a Nate situation would be more like that violence - like with Patton.”

“Well… yes…” Roman nodded tentatively. 

“That’s what I assumed,” Remy confessed. “I mean, with your injuries and shit, I just thought I’d-”

“But it was kinda both.” Roman said, wincing as he accidentally interrupted Remy. “sorry.”

“Wait.” Remy turned to face him again. “It was kinda both with Patton?”

“Not at first.” Roman looked up desperately. “He… I dunno, you guys were out of town, and he said he was just trying to help me out, but…” Remy just looked at him, doubtful, and Roman sighed. “Yeah, it was both.”

“God fucking dammit.” Virgil put his hands on the table - not quite slamming them, but Roman knew that was only due to him trying to stay calm. “Forget doing this the legal way. I’m gonna kill him.”

“Virgil,” Logan warned, and despite his voice being just as steady as always, Roman could see tears on his face. “We are not committing murder. That would only complicate things. Alright?”

“Not if no one knew what happened,” Virgil muttered under his breath. 

Roman knew he should feel the way Virgil did, but he just couldn't. He didn’t want to see or hear from Patton, that was true. But he didn’t want Patton to be hurt. He couldn't forget all the times when Patton had been that ball of sunshine, all giggles and freckles, and breakfast early in the morning. The memories were there, muted against the recent events, but they were still there.

“Roman, I’ve finally decided,” Remy said into the silence. Roman looked at him. “You have a really bad habit of letting things go too far.”

“Hey,” Roman winced, shrinking down in his chair. “I was going to tell you… when I went to your house the other day, but…”

“That didn’t come out right.” Remy sighed, rubbing his head. “I just… I mean it’s a pattern. Roman, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you need to see a professional.”

“You’re a therapist!” Roman protested. “So I basically do, right?”

“I’m also your friend, and incredibly invested in your life, with an obvious bias.” Remy shot back. “There’s a reason we aren’t allowed to treat friends and family, sweetheart.”

“I don’t need to see a therapist.” Roman insisted though he knew Remy was right. “I mean… maybe it would help, but I can take care of it. I’ll just-”

“Roman.” Logan shook his head. “I think you know that Remy is correct.”

“Ugh, I don’t want to talk about this.” Roman decided, slumping down in his seat. “Can’t we just move on, and-”

“You’re joking.” Virgil stood up quickly, and Roman winced. “Roman, this just happened! It’s not Mark or Nate, it’s you. You are hurt, you are suffering, and we’re not just going to keep on… we’re not going to ignore it! You need to just let us care about you!”

“I will!”

“Then we have to talk,” Virgil said, obviously reigning himself back in as he sat gently. “We have to find out how to help you, Roman. We didn’t know any of what you told us about your past, and maybe we could have been closer if we did. Now we do, but we need you to tell us what you need.”

“I-”

“I know you told me so.” Roman snapped at Remy’s voice. Remy sighed but didn’t say anything else. “And I know you can’t help me if I don’t tell you stuff, but I’m still trying to catch up with the fact that you still want to date me, so give me a few minutes, at the very least.”

“Okay,” Virgil said, covering his mouth with one hand and breathing deeply through his nose. They sat in silence, and Roman let his spinning thoughts take over, zoning out of the present to try and figure out what to do.

* * *

Roman thought for a while. The four decided to continue the morning, planning to get back on the subject once dishes were washed and phone calls were made concerning the situation with Patton. Eventually, he’d managed to come up with something to tell them. 

Roman was still rattled, and he still didn’t want to give them reasons to leave him, but he had to give them something. And after last night, he was starting to realize that Virgil and Logan weren’t like the others. They’d seen what Patton did - and they had seen the injuries on Roman’s face and head. It wasn’t everything, but it was a starting place.

They settled into the living room, and Roman felt nervous. He felt awful. He felt like this was definitely going to drive them away.

But that was why he was doing it. After this, anything else he could say they might already know, or have figured out, or wouldn’t care as much.

“You wanna know how to help,” Roman said after a few moments. “And I know that, but I don’t really know how you’re supposed to help me with a lot of stuff.” 

“Roman…”

“But,” Roman swallowed nervously. “That is mostly stuff in my head. There is stuff you can see, and I guess that’s… that’s a place to start, right?” he blinked tears away and let out a slow breath. “If you don’t want to see, tell me before it’s too late,” Roman announced, getting to his feet and gripping the base of his shirt.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” Remy said before anything else. Roman smiled and nodded.

“I know.”

Logan and Virgil said nothing, so Roman figured they must be alright with this. He sighed, closing his eyes, and pulled his shirt up over his head, folding it in his hands once he did. Silence.

Fuck, this had been a bad idea. What was he thinking? What was this supposed to help with? They knew he was beat up, and they’d been gentle and hesitant when touching him anyway. So why the hell did he think this was a good idea?

“Ro,” Roman opened his eyes to see Virgil standing in front of him. “Can I hug you?”

“Yes.” Roman’s voice came out in a whisper, even though he was trying to speak normally. Virgil wrapped him in a gentle hug, careful of the bruises on his back and the healing cuts on his arms. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, you were right,” Virgil mumbled. “This is all so complicated and messed up. We have to start somewhere.”

“I… I didn’t want…” Roman pulled away and Virgil let go quickly. Roman wiped tears off his face and sighed. “I never intended for this to go so far. It just happened.”

“Hun,” Remy cleared his throat. “It’s not your fault.”

“I-”

“I know what you’re going to say.” Remy stood up, shaking his head. “But don’t. Yes, you didn’t tell us. Yeah, you cut yourself again. That wasn’t you - that was mental stuff.” he tapped Roman’s forehead with a gentle finger. “and maybe some of it was your fault a tiny bit. But you can’t focus on that now.”

“How did we not see this?” Logan had his face buried in his hands and Roman winced guiltily. “How didn’t we notice how much… how much pain you were in?”

“Most of the bruises are from when Patton freaked the other day.” Roman pointed out. “He usually just… gave me little ones. They’d go away faster, y’know. But when I tried to tell him that I was done with his games… he just…”

“I can’t believe this.” Virgil was still staring at Roman’s exposed - and very battered - chest. “He… he’s completely different. The person who I talked to last night… that… that wasn’t our Patton. That was someone who did…  _ this _ !”

“He’s good at pretending.” Roman sighed. “I usually am, too. But the nightmares…” he sighed, pulling his shirt back on. “I always had nightmares about Mark and Nate, but Patton just brought it all back up. I was always tired, and you guys did notice that. And you were worried about me, remember. I just kept trying to hide it.”

“God, I am never going to let someone hurt you again.” Virgil’s voice was tight, and Roman knew it was hard to control anger like Virgil must be. “The next time I see Patton’s sunny little face, I’m gonna punch it. Hard.”

“Don’t,” Roman said instinctively. He winced. “Just… please. It won’t do anything, and I don’t…” he didn’t want to see Patton hurt. But how was he supposed to explain that after what happened?

“We will be alright.” Logan finally stood up, surprisingly composed. “We will work through it, Roman. And we will eventually get past this. It’s a process, and you do not have to tell us everything right now.”

“But-”

“What we need to do now is to ensure everyone’s comfort and safety,” Logan said, adjusting his tie. “I’ll collect Patton’s legal documents and things we don’t need from him so he can move on and leave our lives. We will try to make things as comfortable as possible for you, Roman, while we start to work through what has happened in a safe way.”

“Alright.” Roman sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“You’ve got this babes.” Remy hugged both Logan and Virgil. “Don’t let me down, though. Understand?” Roman rolled his eyes, but Logan just nodded.

“Understood.” 


	15. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaaha guys we're getting so close to the ending there's only 3 more chapters after this holy FUCK
> 
> also get ready for MORE ANGST WHOOP WHOOP
> 
> WARNINGS: Violence, PTSD, blood, bloody nose, a window gets broken too, anxiety, manipulation, reference to rape/non-con, lying, feeling guilty for rape/non-con, mentions of abuse, feeling guilty for abuse, some kind of Stockholms syndrome with Ro and Pat, swearing, fear of racism/implied racism (I may not have written it well I'm sorry)

As it turned out, Patton storming out of the house that night was not the end of it. He came back that afternoon, insisting he talk to them.

“Just let me explain,” he begged at the door. 

Roman heard his voice from the living room and fought the urge to join Logan and Virgil, hear Patton out. But he knew he would just let himself be manipulated again.

“There is no explanation good enough,” Logan said firmly. “We heard Roman’s story. We saw the bruises. You are not welcome, though we have collected your things.”

“Roman is lying!” Patton insisted. “He just doesn’t want-”

“Shut up.” Virgil hissed. “Or I will punch you no matter what Roman wants me to do.”

“See?” Patton’s voice rose an octave. “He doesn’t want you to punch me, so that proves he doesn’t hate me!”

“Virgil,” Logan said. 

There was a beat of silence, and then Virgil came in and slumped into the corner of the sectional, looking guiltily over at Roman.

“I don’t hate him,” Roman mumbled, pulling his blanket tighter around himself.

“I know.”

Logan and Patton stepped outside. Roman heard the door close, and couldn't help but worry about what was being said. A few minutes later, Logan came inside and locked the door before going to the bathroom - but he wasn’t fast enough to stop Roman from seeing his glasses bent out of shape, and blood as Logan tried to stem the flow from his nose. Virgil saw it too, and he almost beat Roman to the door.

“Logan, what the fuck happened?” he demanded as they found Logan standing in front of the mirror - a tissue up his nose already soaked in blood - inspecting the bent frames of his glasses.

“Patton was unhappy with our decision,” Logan explained simply. “Do we have the tiny screwdriver here or in the kitchen?”

“The kitchen. Hold on.” Virgil hurried out, and Roman swallowed back his guilt. If he hadn’t said anything, Logan would be fine. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, taking a few steps inside. Logan turned to look at him, surprised.

“Ah, Roman. Sorry, I can hardly see anything. I just recognized the giant black smudge to be Virgil.” Roman snorted, pressing a hand to his mouth to hide the laugh. “I’ll be fine. It just confounds me that Patton has such a violent side to him. Of course, I’ve seen him angry, I’ve known him for years, but that just seemed like a strange… dream.” he seemed incredibly unsatisfied with knowing this, but Roman nodded.

“I know.” he gently reached to touch the swelling on Logan’s cheekbone. Logan bent down slightly, reminding Roman how insanely tall he was. “Do you want any bruise cream?”

“Do we have any?” Logan reached to open the first aid drawer.

“It’s in my room.” Roman’s shoulders fell at the idea of returning to his bedroom - where all those things had happened. “Patton got it for me.”

“Oh.” 

“Here’s the screwdriver.” Virgil arrived, holding the tiny instrument in his hand. “Glasses, Lo?” Logan handed them over, then straightened and leaned against the counter.

“I’ll go get it.” Roman turned, wondering how uncomfortable the bedroom would really make him.

“You don’t have to,” Logan said. “It’s not that bad.”

“But-”

“I’m alright,” Logan promised. Roman sighed but didn’t leave.

“What were you getting?” Virgil asked, opening and closing the leg of Logan’s glasses experimentally.

“Bruise cream.” Roman sighed, running a hand through his hair. “It’ll help.” Virgil looked over at him, then Logan. He could see the wheels turning in the emo’s head.

“If you want to get it, go for it.” he decided. “Logan’s not the boss of you.” Roman laughed, then nodded and slipped out of the bathroom. 

His room had been cleaned, Roman realized in surprise as he entered. No one had gone inside since he got home from Remy’s… oh. Patton must have cleaned up all evidence of what he did before telling everyone he was missing.

Roman shook the thoughts away and went to his dresser, finding the cream right where he left it in the top drawer. He left quickly, forcing his thoughts to focus on Virgil and Logan.

“There’s not a lot left,” he said, walking over to Logan who had replaced his glasses - still slightly crooked - and was replacing the tissue in his nose. “But it should be plenty as long as you don’t get in any more fistfights.”

“Haha,” Logan said blandly, taking the cream anyway. “Thank you, Roman.” Roman just nodded, watching Logan worriedly as he rubbed the cream on. 

“What did he say?” Roman finally asked, once Logan’s nose had stopped bleeding and they were all sitting in the living room.

“A load of bullshit,” Virgil muttered, pulling out his phone as he got five messages in a row. Logan rolled his eyes.

“Patton assumed you would not tell us what happened between you, or for how long,” Logan explained. “We talked, and he finally admitted to what he’d done. Though he seemed to genuinely believe he was in the right - which I do not understand.” Roman nodded. “I told him that if he did not leave, I would call the police. And then he punched me, and left.”

“Okay.” Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” Logan promised. 

“Fuck, I gotta go to the office, Lo.” Virgil stood up, phone in hand. “One of the servers just crashed.”

“Are you sure? I can-”

“Nah, I got it.” Virgil shook his head, already pulling on his shoes. “Max is there - he can make sure we get the programming up correctly. Besides, I’m the favorite boss.”

“Yeah right.” Logan chuckled. 

“Plus you just got punched in the face.” Virgil added, putting the phone to his ear. “Yeah, Max, I’m coming. Don’t worry about it, ten minutes tops.”

He hurried out, and Logan sighed, leaning back to close his eyes.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Roman asked, moving over to take Virgil’s spot next to Logan. He couldn't really see the bruise, but the swelling had already gone down slightly. 

“I’m perfectly fine.” Logan chuckled. Roman sighed, nodding. 

“Can we watch something? Distractions are friends,” he suggested. Logan sat up and grabbed the remote.

“I don’t know how psychologically sound that last thing was,” he chuckled. “But I agree at the moment. What did you want to watch, Disney?”

“I don’t care.” Roman shrugged, grabbing the blanket he’d dropped on the floor and dragging it up to them.

“If you say that, I’ll put on a documentary,” Logan warned.

“That’s not a bad idea,” Roman said thoughtfully. He wasn’t sure which cartoons Patton had turned on those weeks they were alone, but he knew some of them made him anxious. “Go for it.” Logan looked at him quizzically, then shrugged and found one about space.

Roman generally complained about documentaries. There weren’t any songs, or dramatic storylines, or even interesting characters. But he managed to get immersed in this one, and while he was nowhere near relaxed, he wasn’t anxious. Logan was inches away, Roman could feel the warmth from his skin, but he wasn’t terrified. He just was. And for once, Roman didn’t mind the scary emptiness that came from simple existence. 

* * *

“You know that’s really crazy,” Virgil said. Roman smirked, glancing to see Logan’s reaction. Logan sighed, pushing his glasses back up his nose.

“Perhaps it’s dramatic, but we have talked about it before.” he reminded them both. “And we have the means to do a project that big.”

“That was before the shit hit the fan!” Virgil exclaimed, half amused. “You really think that renovating our house right now is a good idea?”

“It’s not an awful idea.” Roman offered.

“Thank you.” Logan smiled.

“We don’t even know where to start!” Virgil added, sitting up from his sideways position in the chair. “Have you ever broken a wall down, Logan?” Logan smirked, adjusting his tie. “Don’t answer that.”

“You asked.” Logan rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, and I wanna hear the story!” Roman looked back to Logan. “When did you break a wall down?”

“When he was young and crazy,” Virgil muttered, pulling off his beanie and running a hand through his hair before replacing it. “And that wasn’t renovation.”

“That’s not what you asked, though.” Logan chuckled.

“The story!” Roman begged, grinning.

“Not much of one,” Logan confessed. “My parents have a very old estate up in Tennessee, and we stayed there over Christmas one year right after Virgil and I started dating.” Roman nodded, knowing he’d simply left Patton out - as they’d both had a habit of doing the past week or so. “There’s an old shed out there, and we were having a snowball fight. One thing led to another, and I accidentally sent the shed on it's way to being firewood.”

“It wasn’t even the same kind of wall!” Virgil added. “We’ve got drywall and electrical shit in here!”

“I know that, Virgil.” Logan sighed. “I never said we would do it ourselves. You need to let me finish.” Virgil sighed.

“So what, you wanna hire Bobby from Queer Eye to do it?”

“Not anyone so specific.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “But hiring renovators isn’t unreasonable.”

“But-”

“I thought you liked the idea,” Roman said to Virgil, eyebrows raised. “A few weeks ago you were all for it. Not everything changed, you know.”

“Yeah, I just…” Virgil sighed. “I dunno, we were just talking, then. Now we’re planning. It’s different.”

“Alright,” Logan nodded. “I understand that anxiety, but-”

“And we talked about moving, too,” Virgil added. “Why aren’t we hypothetically planning that?”

“Well, I did have some ideas along that track.” Logan sighed. “You just didn’t let me finish.”

“Oh.”

“Are you less anxious about moving than you are about remodeling?” Roman asked incredulously.

“Yeah, alright, I am. Sue me.” Virgil rolled his eyes. “It just seems like less work.”

“Ah, so you’re lazy.” Roman nodded. “Makes sense.”

“You know what? I did not come here to be roasted.” Virgil declared. “Why are you thinking about it so much, anyway? We aren’t going to do either of these things for a while no matter what we choose.”

“Oh, because…” Logan obviously struggled to think of a reason, then he sighed. “Distractions are friends?”

“What?” Virgil stared as Roman laughed, covering his hand with his mouth. “Logan, that doesn’t even make se-” 

The crash of breaking glass drowned out the rest of Virgil’s sentence. 

They all froze, Roman saw that Logan was staring over his head into the hallway.

“What the fuck?” Virgil tumbled out of his chair and stood up, staring. Roman finally managed to get himself moving and did the same.

A large brick lay on the ground in the middle of the hallway, and when they got up and crossed over to look, they found that the window on the front door had been shattered.

“What on earth?” Logan - the only of them wearing shoes - walked over the glass and pulled the door open to look outside. The street was empty, which made sense because it was nearly ten PM.

“I’ll get a broom.” Virgil jumped across the hallway into the kitchen. “Where’d all the glass go, Roman?”

“Just the hallway,” Roman said, flicking on the light. “At least I think so. The window isn’t super big.”

“Not anymore, at least.” Virgil tried to joke as he came back and grabbed the brick, inspecting it critically. From what Roman could see, it was just that. A brick.

Logan closed the door and locked it again, turning instead to inspect the shattered center of the doorway.

“Virgil,” he said softly. Roman looked over too. “You don’t think…”

“No,” Virgil said, though he didn’t sound certain. “No way.” 

Roman frowned. What were they talking about?

“Why the fuck would he throw a brick through the window? The window never did anything to him. Neither did we, for that matter.”

Oh. Roman leaned against the wall, feeling sick. Patton.

“It's the most reasonable explanation,” Logan muttered softly, shaking his head. “Do we have any duct tape?”

“Probably.” Virgil dumped the broken glass into the trash can. “Be careful when we’re taking the trash out next.”

Roman stayed where he was, mind spinning as he stared at the brick Virgil had placed on the table. Logan found duct tape in the kitchen and cannibalized a cereal box to cover the window - though that didn’t help to make the hallway seem any safer after what had happened. Virgil was rambling about calling the police, but they all knew that wouldn’t happen. As sad as it was, who would believe them, two large dark-skinned men, against Patton, a literal ray of sunshine to most people on earth? No one. That’s who. Because racism, and that was just fine.

The thought of him sent images of Patton’s face through Roman’s mind, smiles, glares, expectations filling every expression on his face. Roman wrapped his arms around himself, hands pressing into his upper arms where a painful longing had begun to burn.

“Roman?” 

Roman’s eyes opened. Had he closed them?

“Fuck, you okay?” Virgil was at his side in an instant. 

“I dunno,” Roman mumbled, staring over at the make-shift repair Logan had completed. He closed the distance that Virgil was always so nervous to breach, leaning into his boyfriend's chest. The desire to cut was muted, pushed to the back of his mind, but it was still there. He hated it.

“It’s okay,” Virgil said, rubbing his back gently. Most of the bruises had faded, but there were a few persistent ones from Patton becoming so incredibly violent the last few days he was there. “It’s just a window, Roman. We’re good.”

“I know.” Roman took a shuddering breath. “I just… I just need…”

“I’ve gotcha,” Virgil promised. “I’m not going anywhere.” Roman nodded, closing his eyes again to attempt and fight the thoughts trying to burst forward and control him, but that only made it worse.

With his eyes closed, memories and images of injuries and pain flashed before him, somehow only making him want to hurt himself more. Thoughts of Remus danced through his head, then thoughts of Remy and how hard Remy tried to keep Roman okay. Mark and Nate’s voices and actions. Patton’s indifferent stare as he walked in on Roman cutting.

“Roman.”

Roman’s eyes snapped open when Virgil gently wiped tears away.

“Roman, what is it?” Virgil asked. Roman swallowed nervously, hands reaching back up to grip his biceps. An attempt to imitate the feeling they were insisting they needed. Virgil looked down at them, face melting into realization. “Oh… okay. We’re going to find something else to focus on, alright?”

“That should work until we can find a way to fix it,” Logan said, stepping in and putting the duct tape on the counter. “As for- Roman?”

“Just…” Roman buried his face in Virgil’s chest. “Hold my hands.”

“Ro-”

“I know. Please.” 

Roman held back a flinch when Virgil gently pulled Roman’s hands away by the wrist, then tangling their fingers together to keep them away. 

Remy had given Roman a lot of tips years ago, when he first found out about Roman’s ‘habit’, and this was one of them. The only problem was that it felt like he was being restrained, and that was also what Virgil was worried about.

“You’ll be alright,” Logan said, hesitating before Roman nodded, then gently kissing his forehead. 

They stood like that for a few minutes, and Logan started to talk about the company, softly and drawing Roman’s and Virgil's thoughts away from what had happened. Soon enough, though, it was getting late.

“You need sleep,” Virgil mumbled softly to him. Roman nodded, and the group hug slowly untangled.

“I don’t want to be alone,” he muttered, avoiding their eyes. What did they think of him? He was being so pathetic, but he just wanted to feel safe. 

“I have a small idea.” 

Logan led them across the hall and opened the door to the bedroom. To Roman’s surprise, the twin bed that had been in the corner of his old room for storage was now put together across the room from Virgil and Logan’s bed.

“Would this be satisfactory?” Logan glanced at him nervously. “If not, you still have the room acr-” Roman wrapped him in a hug, nodding against Logan’s chest.

“It's good,” he mumbled. “Thanks, Lo.”

God, how he loved the two of them. They were trying so hard for him, it was almost hard to believe. Roman was still nervous at the idea of sleeping in the same room as them, but this was different. 

The beds were far enough apart that he felt secure, and he could wrap himself in blankets and listen to his boyfriend's breathing. The perfect compromise and they’d done it to help him feel safe.


	16. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First off the formatting might be weird because my computer is being a DICK and won't let me do what I usually do so sorry about that
> 
> WARNINGS: food mentions, stalking, manipulation, non-consensual touching, violence, PTSD, nightmares, non-con flirting but don't worry Remy apologizes lol, talk of therapy, fear of racism/implied racism, mentions of restraining order, mentions of police/law enforcement, acephobia, Patton thinks he did nothing wrong, Unsympathetic Patton, panic attack, forgetting where/when one is, trouble breathing

“I’m glad you’re okay.” The cashier, who Roman had now finally learned was named Claire, said when he was stacking books that morning. Roman looked over to find she was holding out a napkin wrapped pastry. “It's…” she giggled slightly. “It’s an eclair. From friendly Claire.”

“Oh.” Roman smiled, accepting it. “Uh, thanks. Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“You were gone for a week.” Claire shrugged. “The stand-in who usually works weekends is an asshole, and I missed you.”

“We never talk.” Roman pointed out.

“Exactly.” Claire smiled, then sighed, smacking her forehead. “Not that I don’t think talking to you is interesting,” she promised. “I just don’t need Riley trying to flirt with me all day.”

“I won’t flirt with you.” Roman laughed. “I’m gay.”

“I know, that’s why I like you better.” Claire grinned. “Anyway, I just wanted to tell you I’m glad you’re not dead or abducted by aliens or anything.”

“And give me an eclair,” Roman noted.

“That too.” Claire gave him a tiny salute, the way Virgil usually did to say goodbye. “As you were, I suppose.”

“See ya.” Roman chuckled as she went back to the register. She might have a strange obsession with Christian rock music, but maybe she wasn’t all that bad.

He was surprisingly cheerful the rest of the morning, whether or not it was the sugar in the pastry or the fact that anyone had noticed his absence, he wasn’t sure. But it didn’t last long.

“RoRo!” Roman froze, knuckles growing tight on the book in his hand. Patton stepped into his line of vision, beaming brightly. “I was wondering where you’d got to!” Patton giggled, taking the book from Roman and setting it down. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you all week!”

“Go away,” Roman said softly, feeling sick.

“Aw, that’s not very nice, RoRo.” Patton pressed a kiss to Roman’s forehead. “I just need help finding a book, right?”

“What book?” Roman pushed him away gently, but Patton just grabbed his wrists tightly. “Patton, let go of me.”

“I need you to tell me why you lied to Lo and Virgey,” Patton said, voice sickly sweet. “You told them you didn’t want me, but if you really didn’t, you would have found a way to stop me. Wouldn’t you have?”

“Let go!” Roman tugged desperately, but Patton just gripped tighter, shaking his head.

“Roman Roman Roman.” he pulled Roman closer, eyes narrowed. “You don’t know anything, do you? You’re just scared. Scared of everything.”

“That’s not true!” Roman hissed, blinking away tears. “Patton, you’re hurting me!”

Patton didn’t care, if anything, he twisted Roman’s wrists tighter, pulling the skin and making sure it would bruise.

“Why did you lie to them? Are you that scared of being honest?” Patton asked, head tilted to one side. “That scared of letting yourself be real?”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Roman insisted, looking desperately toward the front of the store. They were in the back, blocked from Claire’s sight by bookshelves. Just as he took a breath in to yell, Patton clamped a hand over his mouth, switching his hold on Roman’s wrists to one hand.

“Ah ah ah.” Patton giggled cheerfully. “We’re not done talking yet, RoRo.”

“Yeah, you are.” Roman’s eyes widened. Remy forced Patton away from him, stepping between them while brandishing his latte threateningly. “Get the fuck out of here before I call the cops.” Patton glared at the two of them, but stormed away and knocked a few books off the shelves. Like a child throwing a tantrum. Roman pressed his back against the bookshelves, covering his own mouth to try and silence the panicked sounds he was making. As soon as Patton had left the store, Remy turned and lifted up his glasses, looking at Roman worriedly.

“You alright babes?” he set the latte on a shelf and gently pulled Roman to him, wiping the tears away. “Hey, it’s okay. He’s gone.” Roman nodded, but he was still shaking, feeling Patton’s hands around his wrists like he was still holding them tightly. “How long you work today?” Remy asked, looking at the box Roman had been unpacking. “That everything you had left?” Roman managed a nod, then stared as Remy stepped over and started to shelve the books, glancing at Roman for confirmation that he was doing it right. Roman nodded again, sinking to lean against the shelf.

“Want me to call Logan and Virgil?” Remy asked as he stacked. “They’ll want to know about this.”

“I…” Roman hesitated, weighing the options in his mind. “Yeah. Yes.”

“Sounds like a plan, fahm.” Remy pulled out his phone with one hand as he stacked books with the other. Roman forced himself to join him, finishing the box in the next ten minutes.

“Hey, Logan,” Remy said cheerfully. “We had a little situation down at the bookstore.” Roman could hear Logan on the other end.

“What situation? Why are you at the bookstore?”

“Just came to check on my best friend,” Remy said, rolling his eyes. “And you’ll never guess who had the same idea.”

“Shit.” Logan’s end suddenly became louder, as Roman assumed he scrambled to collect his things from the desk. “Is everyone okay? Where’s Roman?”

“I’m fine,” Roman said, rubbing tears away even though Logan couldn't see him. “I just… I was…”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes,” Logan said. “What happened?”

“I got pissed and told him to leave or I’d call the cops.” Remy shrugged. “Which we might still do, tbh. Not like he chose a very private place to meet up, there’s a camera in every corner of this place.”

“Okay, just hold tight,” Logan said. Roman heard the car door close. “Aight, just thought you’d appreciate a call.” Remy rolled his eyes a final time as they hung up.

“Now, let’s get you someplace to sit and I’ll flirt with that pretty cashier you guys have.”

“You better not,” Roman warned as they walked to the front.

“Okay, Okay, so we’re not in the mood for a flirting performance. Got it.” Remy laughed as Claire looked over.

“Roman?” her eyes widened.

“Long story sweetheart, you guys have any chairs for my boy here?” Remy looked around, waiting for her response.

“My name is Claire.” Claire rolled her eyes. “And yeah, but what happened? Are you sick again, Roman?”

“Something along those lines.” Roman sighed, sinking into one of the chairs in the ‘reading corner’.

“How long were you supposed to stay today?” Remy asked, flopping into the one next to him.

“Just noon.” Roman glanced at the clock.

“You can leave early,” Claire said. “We aren’t getting another order until tomorrow, anyway. And sorry if the eclair made you sick.”

“It wasn’t that.” Roman laughed weakly, putting a hand over his eyes.

“What? You got a pastry?” Remy looked around the bookshop. “How much do you get paid? I could use another job.”

“Pastries are only for the gays,” Claire said.

“That’s just mean.” Remy pouted. “But gay rights, I guess.”

“Exactly.”

“I’m glad you two are getting along.” Roman chuckled. “But seriously, Remy? Stop.”

“I’m not flirting!” Remy protested. “We’re having a calm discussion about pastries for the gays. Now shush. Claire?”

“What?”

“How big are we going to take this movement? Every gay in Florida? America? The world?”

“In this bookshop,” Claire said. “Me and Roman. Sorry, pal.”

“Oh.” Remy nodded. Roman rolled his eyes as he saw Remy realize his mistake. “Sorry for flirting with you darling.”

“You’re hopeless, you know that?” Roman asked, looking at his friend.

“I do, and I’m therefore stronger.” Remy grinned, looking out the window. “Hey, there’s Logan! Do you have another pastry, Claire?”

“Shut up,” Claire muttered.

“Are you okay?” Logan asked, walking to Roman’s side immediately.

“I would be if Remy could keep his mouth shut,” Roman said, glaring playfully over at his friend.

“It’s not my fault everyone’s gorgeous as hell!” Remy whined.

“I appreciate that,” Claire laughed. “But what’s going on? You leaving, Roman? You still look pale.”

“I’m always pale.” Roman pointed out, getting to his feet anyway.

“Touche.” Claire smiled, giving them a two-fingered salute. “Get some rest.”

Roman stepped out of the store between Remy and Logan, glancing warily around. Patton was nowhere to be seen.

“I was serious about the police thing, though,” Remy said after a moment. “We have a video of him now. If you’d just-”

“No.” Roman snapped, folding his arms. Logan sighed.

“Roman, I apprec-”

“No!” Roman shook his head. “We have no idea what will happen if we try to bring the police into this. We don’t know what they’ll think, and Patton could try and blame you and Virgil and then what if something happens, and-”

“Roman.” Remy sighed. “Not everyone is gonna be that racist.”

“Your safety is important.” Logan reminded him softly. “And if we don’t do something, Patton is going to keep coming after you. After all of us.” Roman sighed, burying his face in his hands.

“Just listen to my idea,” Remy said, pausing to take a sip of his latte. “I’ve been thinking about it all week because I’m worried about you.”

“Of course.” Roman sighed, rolling his eyes. “Fine. what’s this big idea of yours?”

“You involve the law.” Remy began, holding up a hand as Roman went to protest. “Tell them only what they need, y’know? Patton’s your ex. Not a lie. He hurt you. Not a lie. He stalked you today and hurt you at work. We have video proof. He threw a rock through the window of the house you live in. You’re so worried about them blaming Logan and Virgil - who said you had to tell anyone you’re dating Logan and Virgil?”

“What?” Roman frowned, chest hurting at the thought. “But I love Logan and Virgil! Why-” oh. Ohh. “That still doesn’t mean things will go well.”

“Of course it doesn’t.” Remy rolled his eyes. “But if you’d just let me help you. I’d get you an appointment with a co-worker and they can help too, y’know?”

“A therapist?” Roman sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’ve told you for years-”

“Yeah, so?” Remy shrugged, tossing his empty cup into a garbage can. “Doesn’t make it true.”

“We have to do something,” Logan added softly. “Patton is obviously more dangerous than we thought.”

“Right.” Roman’s shoulders fell and he sighed. “But what will we even be able to do?”

“Get a restraining order,” Remy stated simply. “Duh. Then, even if he comes around and doesn’t hurt you, you still have a right to call the cops on him.”

“Oh.” Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Okay, um…” God, he was so tired. He hated the way Patton seemed to drain the energy out of him. He really hated it.

“We can discuss this more on the way home.” Logan pulled Roman from his thoughts and went to the car. “Remy, you are free to join us.”

“I call shotgun,” Roman said, though he didn’t have the energy to yell like he usually would. Remy just patted his shoulder, understanding the competitive sentiment.

“You got it, babes,” he said once they were all inside and buckled, and Logan had started the engine. “And Roman, I’m gonna get you an intake appointment with one of my co-workers.”

“Ugh, fine.” Roman leaned his head on the window. “Just don’t rub it in or else.”

“What, you’re gonna kick my shin?” Remy chuckled.

“You’re only three inches taller than me!” Roman whined.

“Alright, alright,” Remy said. Roman knew he was holding his hands up even though he couldn't see him.

“I’ll stop.”

“The sooner we decide what to do,” Logan said softly as they approached the house. “The sooner we can start to heal.”

“Yeah.” Roman sighed, staring out the window at the street. Right, that’s what he was supposed to be doing, wasn’t it? Healing?

* * *

“It's only a matter of time before Logan and Virgil lose their patience,” Patton said knowingly, arms wrapped tightly around Roman’s waist.

Wait, Patton? Roman shook his head, confused. Why was Patton here? What was he talking about?

“I mean, you’ve been dating us for over a year now, RoRo.” Patton giggled. “What’s with all the waiting? No one is that patient.”

“Wh- let go of me.” Roman tried to twist out of his arms, but Patton just smiled and turned him so they were facing each other, pressing a gentle kiss to his lips.

“Oh Roman - as if I’d ever let you go.” he smiled, kissing different spots on Roman’s face as Roman tried and failed to move - he was frozen. What was going on? “I’ll never leave you, RoRo. You know that.”

“Stop it,” Roman begged as Patton’s kisses grew more heated, and he backed Roman up against a wall. “Please, Patton, st-” Patton placed a hand over Roman’s mouth, shaking his head.

“You aren’t listening to me, love.” he smiled, his face just as full of sunshine as it always was. “I’ll never stop. And I’ll never leave you. No matter what you say, or what you do. I will always be here.” Roman tried to reach up and pry Patton’s hand away, but he couldn't get himself to move. “Because I love you.” Patton smiled, stepping closer and replacing the hand on Roman’s mouth with his lips.

Roman struggled against him, fighting to breathe as one of Patton’s hands closed around his throat and the other trailed beneath the waistband of his jeans. This couldn't be happening. Patton was gone. He had to be gone! He’d left and Logan and Virgil weren’t going to let him near Roman ever again. He knew it. That was how it was - how it had to be. Patton couldn't be here. Roman fought against Patton’s hands, his vision fading out as Patton tightened the one around his neck.

Then his hands were gone - Patton was gone.

But Roman still couldn't breathe.

“Roman, Roman you have to try and listen to me okay?”

Roman wheezed, eyes flying open to see Virgil’s stormy gray ones above him. He couldn't breathe. His throat and chest were too tight. He was dying. Tears pricked his eyes and Roman struggled to sit up. He was covered in sweat, and his chest ached as he tried to breathe again.

“Virgi-” Roman gasped grabbing his chest. “Virgil!” Virgil’s hands reached for him, but then he pulled them back, hesitant when Roman flinched.

“Just breathe,” Virgil said softly. “Focus on my voice, okay? Breathe in for four seconds.”

Roman tried, but it was hard. It felt like the breathing didn’t do anything - like it wasn’t real.

“Hold for seven,” Virgil instructed, softly counting to seven. “Then out for eight.”

Roman let the air out in one loud puff, immediately struggling to take in another breath. What was going on? Where was he?

“In for four.” Virgil’s hesitant hands finally planted themselves on Roman’s shoulders. “One, two, three, four.”

They repeated the exercise, Virgil switching between counting and doing the breathing as well. Finally, Roman’s chest didn’t seem so empty, and his throat didn’t feel so insanely choked. He wasn’t dying.

“There.” Virgil smiled, and Roman saw that he was crying. Roman was crying, too, but that wasn’t as surprising. Virgil didn’t like to cry around people. “See? We’re fine. You’re fine. You’re right here in your room.”

He was right. Roman recognized the guest-room turned his own room around him. The curtains didn’t fully block the streetlights outside, and the door stood open letting the hallway light in as well around the silhouette of Logan standing there.

“Logan?” Roman looked to him, voice still soft and strangled sounding. Logan walked over, turning on the bedroom light as he entered.

“We’re fine.” Virgil rubbed Roman’s back, keeping the touches hesitant and gentle. “You had a nightmare. But you’re okay, and we’re all okay.”

“A nightmare?” Roman tried to remember, but then it clicked.

Patton wasn’t actually here. That had been a nightmare. But it seemed so real - so incredibly, terrifyingly real. And Roman’s throat still felt like it had just been gripped - the way Patton had done so many times in the past two months he’d been there.

“It’s alright,” Logan said gently, one hand outstretched in a silent question. Roman hesitated but nodded despite the anxiety that filled him when Logan brushed tears from his face. Both of them there was comforting, but it also terrified him. So much contact at once when he was feeling so vulnerable.

“You okay? Or you need us to stop?” Virgil’s hands pulled away from Roman slightly, from where he’d been gently rubbing the tension from Roman’s shoulders. Roman’s eyes filled with tears again and he closed them, holding back a sob.

“I… please stop.” He wanted them. He wanted them to hold him and keep him grounded and to feel their warmth. But it was too much. It was all too much. Every touch felt like it was Patton, back to hurt him again.

“Alright.” and both of their hands vanished. Roman hugged himself instead and hated that he didn’t want them to hold him as he started to sob.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This book is almost over! We've got 2 chapters left before I post the sequel BUT! I have to ask...  
Would you like to see a sequel next? Or would you like to see a one-shot that takes place way BEFORE this book did? Go ahead and vote, and if no one votes, I'll just randomly choose for us.  
Thanks for all being so freaking supportive! ^-^


	17. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roman finally listens to Remy's advice. PICANI TIME!!!!!!!! YEEEEEE
> 
> WARNINGS: mentions of PTSD, insecurity, mentions of abuse, mentions of rape/non-con, crying, Unsympathetic Patton, missing abuser, complicated feelings about abuser, basically nobody's alright haha.

“You’re sure there’s no other way to just get over this?” Roman asked unhappily as he walked with Logan into the office building.

“It’s not about getting over anything.” Logan adjusted his tie. “It’s about coming to terms with it and working through issues, Roman. And it's just the intake appointment.”

“Yeah, but…” Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “Okay, I get it. You want to help.”

“Of course I do,” Logan said softly, halting to peer down at him. “Roman, I do truly want you to be alright. I promise.”

“I know.” Roman sighed, looking at the clock on the wall. “I know, Logan. I just don’t want to have to talk about it.”

“You’re sure you want to go alone, though?” Logan asked, eyebrows creasing with worry. Roman nodded. If he was going to go - he was going to do it alone Not for any reason, really, except to prove to himself he could do it and pretend he was doing it by his own volition.

“I’ll be fine, pocket protector,” he promised with a smile as they approached the lobby of the therapy clinic. “Just don’t abandon me to walk home alone and we’ll be fine.”

“I can assure you, I’ll be right out here once you’re done,” Logan said firmly, taking a seat on the waiting room couch. 

Roman wanted to join him, but instead, he walked to the desk and checked in, and soon found himself in a room that, in all honesty, was heaven.

There were Disney posters around the room, figurines and stuffed animals on the table and couch. He sat on the couch, waiting for the therapist who the secretary promised would ‘be right in’ and resisted the urge to pick them up and inspect them. He failed, and when the therapist dramatically jumped into the room, he nearly dropped the mickey mouse he was holding.

“Hello new patient!” the therapist said cheerfully, bouncing over to his chair. “My name is Dr. Emile Picani, and you must be Roman!”

“Uh, yeah.” Roman gently put the figurine back down, glad he hadn’t broken it. “I’m Roman Tower.” Picani gasped, face lighting up.

“I thought I recognized that name!”

“Oh.” Roman winced. Right. People knew him. “Right. Uh…”

“Remy mentioned you a few times before!” Picani tapped a pen to his head and Roman blinked in surprise. “Just in passing, it’s not his job to tell me about you, is it?”

“I guess not.” Roman shrugged.

“Well Roman, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Picani smiled. “Let’s get started, I want to know more about you! I want to know everything there is about Roman Tower!”

“Okay…”

“So tell me about yourself?” Picani pulled out a notebook, smiling cheerfully and waiting.

“Right.” Roman sighed, rubbing his hands on his jeans. “Well, I’m Roman. I… I write books, and I act. Not as much as I’d like to, but life is busy. Um, I got a degree in English literature and theater in college, and I work at a bookstore part-time to keep up with the bills and stuff.”

“You like books then?”

“Stories.” Roman shrugged. “The bookstore just happened that way.”

“Alright. And have you ever been to therapy before?” Picani asked, face still as cheerful as ever.

“Uh, no.” Roman shook his head. “Not unless you count talking to Remy.”

“I do not.” Picani shook his head. “But that’s alright, a first time for everything!”

“I guess so.” Roman shrugged, starting to feel a bit more at ease. The cartoon-themed room certainly helped with that. “Uh, I dunno what else there is to know. I’m not that interesting.”

“Oh, that’s not true!” Picani waved a hand. “I’m sure there’s a lot of stuff to know about you, so let’s talk about you! What is going on with Roman today?”

“Oh.” Roman frowned and ran a hand through his hair. “Uh, well, I dunno. Not a lot, I’m here I guess.”

“Yes, you are!” Picani beamed. “So talk about that. How do you feel about this, Roman? I heard you were a bit hesitant to agree and come see me.”

“I feel nervous.” Roman sighed, shoulders slumping. “And, I dunno. I just don’t… know how I feel about it, really.”

“Why are you nervous?” Picani asked, voice a little calmer than before. It was soothing. Roman thought for a moment. Why was he nervous?

“There are things I don’t think other people should know about me.” he finally said, looking at the floor instead of Picani. “And enough people already know. Why add to the list, right?”

“We all have parts of ourselves that we aren’t a fan of,” Picani said gently. “And things we’ve done that we’re ashamed of. But not everyone needs to know, Roman. Only those you trust do.”

“That’s true.” Roman sighed. “But how do I know I can really trust the people who know?” the worries that he’d tried to keep away from his head flooded out. “What if they use it against me? These things aren’t good, there’s nothing good about them. The only way they can be used is to hurt me, and I’ve had enough of people hurting me!” he pressed a hand over his mouth, realizing too late that his voice had risen to an almost shout.  
Picani didn’t say anything for a moment, tapping his pencil on his chin. And when he did, it was not what Roman expected to hear.

“You know who you remind me of?” 

Roman stared at him, not replying.

“Lapis lazuli.” Picani nodded. “She-”

“From Steven Universe?” Roman asked incredulously. Picani’s face lit up.

“You’ve seen it?”

“Seen it?” Roman scoffed. “I’ve studied it! I’ve watched all the episodes a dozen times at the very least.”

“So you know what I mean!” Picani beamed. “You’re like Lapis. She was so sure that people wanted to hurt her that she lashed out - even in the first episode we saw her in.”

“What?” Roman scowled. “I don’t lash out.”

“Not at others, maybe.” Picani shook his head. “But I can tell you don’t think very highly of yourself, Roman. Neither did Lapis, really.”

“I don’t know about that.” Roman frowned. “She wasn’t like me. She was always fighting for herself, wasn’t she? I hardly ever do that…”

“Well, that may be true.” Picani nodded. “But I still see a lot of similarities between you two. You don’t really know how to feel about some things, and you’re afraid of being hurt. So much that you let it take over everything else in your life.”

“...that’s creepy.” Roman decided, narrowing his eyes at Picani. Picani giggled.

“So I’m not wrong?”

“No. That’s why it's creepy.” Roman said. “But what does any of this have to do with anything?”

“Well,” Picani smiled. “Lapis managed to find a place for herself, didn’t she? It took a while, but she settled in and found a way to be the best version of herself. After everything, she went through, with Jasper and learning about the earth. It took a while, but she did. And you can too!”

“That’s different.” Roman insisted. “That’s a cartoon! This is my life! Sometimes, things don’t work out as perfectly as you want them to. And when that happens, what are you supposed to do? Accept that it's the right ending?”

“Well, who says it's an ending?” Picani challenged. “Most good stories don’t have one, you know.”

“An ending?”

“Not a finite one.” Picani shook his head. “An ending to a specific piece of the story. A chapter, so to speak. But life continues onward past the final page. You haven’t reached any endings yet, Roman. You’re still young.”

“Yeah, but…” Roman trailed off. But what? Picani was right. “Okay, but it's not like I have a lot to go off of when it comes to Lapis. We didn’t see every moment as she changed to become who she is now. We didn’t see a lot of her at all if I’m being honest.”

“But we do see her.” Picani reminded him. “We see some of her struggles, isn’t there anything you can do with that?”

“I don’t know.” Roman sighed, rubbing his head. “I mean, is it so awful that I don’t want to be hurt? No one wants to be hurt.”

“Of course that’s not awful! It’s good that you want to be safe. But you don’t strike me as someone who always plays it safe.”

“You just met me,” Roman said defensively.

“Yeah, but I feel like there are two different versions of you here at once!” Picani thought for a moment, probably trying to find a way to relate what he’d said to a cartoon. “One part of you seems like a brave, gallant Gryffindor, and the other seems well, I’m not really sure. Scared. Which one do you want to be?”

“I am a Gryffindor,” Roman muttered, rolling his eyes. “I don’t really know what you’re saying, to be honest.”

“What do you want to be,” Picani repeated, pushing his glasses up his nose. Roman scowled, staring at a poster on the wall. “Do you know?”

“Does that matter?” Roman snapped. “Does it matter what I want? I can’t change who I am, and I can’t change the past! I just have to deal with it.”

“And how do you want to deal with it?” Picani raised an eyebrow. “Do you want to learn and improve, like Lapis Lazuli? Or do you want to stay the way you are right now, conflicted and scared? You can only choose one.”

Roman opened his mouth to reply, but couldn't think of anything to say. What was he supposed to say? He didn’t know what his answer was. But he couldn't just say that, could he? Picani watched him carefully, one eyebrow still raised above the rim of his glasses. He could say that. If he wanted to, that is. Roman knew he was supposed to be honest here - Remy had made that clear. But how was he supposed to confess that he had no idea of what he wanted to do - of who he wanted to be? He looked back down at the figurines in front of him and sighed. He had to say something.

“I don’t know.”

* * *

“How did it go?” Logan asked when they were almost home, having sat in silence most of the way. Roman shook his head.

“I’m still trying to figure that out myself, to be honest,” he confessed. Logan hummed. “I like the guy, really. He’s cool. I just don’t know how I feel about… the therapy stuff.”

“That’s alright,” Logan said. “This was only the first time you’ve gone.”

“I know, I know.” Roman shook his head. “I’m just not sure he knows what he’s getting into.”

“This is his job.” Logan rolled his eyes slightly. “I’m sure he knows. Or at least has some idea.”

“I guess.” Roman sighed, thinking back to their discussion. 

When he confessed that he hadn’t known what he wanted to be, Picani had pounced on it with another reference. The lion king, that time. So now Roman was Lapis Lazuli, Simba, and himself. As confused as he still was - he was also less confused. 

Picani had said he was like Simba - a protagonist that Roman had loved since he first watched the movie. Roman wondered if he was right. He’d felt so lost the past few years - even when he did feel like he was doing the right thing, and being himself, he had always had moments where he doubted everything. Picani had also said that was normal, and Roman wasn’t sure he believed that.

“Well, are you going to go again?” Logan asked.

“Yeah.” Roman nodded, looking over as Logan pulled into the driveway. 

Logan smiled at the answer, and Roman sent one back, getting out of the car and looking up at their little house. There was still duct-taped cardboard on the front door, but other than that it looked like it always had. Old, cozy, familiar. Maybe not familiar in the same way anymore, but familiar all the same.

“Looks like Virgil’s home already,” Logan noted as they made their way past Virgil’s truck. Roman nodded, stepping inside and taking a breath.

“HEY, WE’RE BACK!” He hollered, grinning when he heard Virgil jump in the other room. Logan rolled his eyes.

“That was unnecessary.”

“But it was funny.” Roman pointed out as Virgil met them in the doorway to the living room, scowling.

“Why,” he said simply. Roman shrugged, pulling off his shoes.

“Why not?” he asked, looking up to see that Virgil’s eyeshadow was smudged and his eyes were bloodshot. Immediately he felt bad. “Are you okay?”

“God - yeah.” Virgil sighed, rubbing his eyes. “Sorry, I wasn’t sure when you guys were getting back.”

“What was the matter?” Logan asked, brows furrowed with worry as they made their way into the living room.

“Just… stress.” Virgil sighed, flopping back onto the couch. “Everything’s so fucking… stressful.”

“Do you want a hug?” Roman asked, feeling worse. He knew Virgil would never say it - but it was kind of his fault everything was so crazy. 

“Only if you want one.” Virgil opened one eye to watch him. “No guilt or pity hugs.”

“I’ll pity hug you if I want to.” Roman declared, sitting next to him and hugging him tightly. “So ha.”

“You know what I meant.” Virgil grumped. Roman smiled, sitting back. 

“Yes, yes I did.”

“Things will get better as time goes on,” Logan said wisely, sitting on Virgil’s other side. “Everything still seems fresh. It's bound to frustrate everyone.”

“Yeah, I know.” Virgil sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I just…”

“It’s okay,” Roman stressed softly, sitting cross-legged on the couch to be more comfortable. “And I’m sorry, I-”

“Roman!” Virgil whined.

“What?” Roman asked defensively. “This is why I didn’t want you guys to know, okay? I didn’t want you to stress out like this, and now you are, and it’s my fault, becau-”

“How is this your fault?” Virgil asked incredulously, sitting up a bit straighter. “Tell me one thing you did that caused this.”

“I could tell you a lot!” Roman insisted though Picani’s voice played in his head as he did so. “I…”

_ “Fight, flight, fawn, or freeze.” Picani listed gently. “As seen with Lapis, when fused with Jasper, she mainly fell into fawning and freezing. She tried to be the perfect victim, and she tried to distance herself from what was happening. She never made a move to escape - not until she was pulled from it by people who cared about her. What you’re telling me sounds the same, and it isn’t your fault. It’s your response to the trauma.” _

“I don’t know.” Roman sighed, head hanging. 

“It isn’t your fault this happened,” Virgil said softly. “It just happened. And now we have to deal with it. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is - but it isn’t yours.”

“It's not your guys’ either,” Roman muttered.

“I blame God.” Logan declared.

“You don’t believe in god.” Virgil reminded him. Logan shrugged.

“Which is why I blame him. He won’t be offended because he doesn’t exist.” 

Roman snorted, smiling as he leaned against the couch cushions.

“And things will improve.” Logan continued, adjusting his glasses. “We just have to let it, and notice when it does.”

“Since when are you the poetic leader of the group?” Virgil complained. “I thought that was me.”

“It was never you,” Logan said gently.

“It was always Remy.” Roman declared. Logan looked offended. Virgil chuckled, sighing softly.

“Thanks, guys. Sorry, I’m a mess today.”

“If I’m allowed to be a mess, you are.” Roman pointed out. Virgil nodded, though he still seemed distracted. After a beat of silence, he found out why.

“How the fuck do you do this?” Virgil finally burst out, turning to stare at him. Roman stared back, confused.

“Do what? What are you talking about?”

“This!” Virgil waved his arms around, gesturing to Roman and the house as a whole. “You’re just acting normal, like...like it didn’t happen! Like you don’t see Patton fucking everywhere you look! He never even hurt me, and I… I fucking hate him but I can’t…”

“Whoa,” Roman put a gentle hand on Virgil’s shoulder. “Hey, he did too hurt you. You’ve been upset since you walked in and saw that - there’s no way that didn’t hurt.”

“You know what I mean!” Virgil snapped. “I just don’t understand how you can act normal when everything that happened here… happened here!” Roman bit his lip and looked away, shrugging.

“Virgil…” Logan was, for once, at a loss as to what to say. Roman could tell by his tone that he felt the same.

“I’m sorry, guys.” Virgil sighed. “I just… I don’t understand. I want to go back in time and make sure none of this ever happened, but I can’t. And I just… I hate seeing his face everywhere.”

Roman glanced around. The walls - once covered in pictures - were mostly empty now, the ones with Patton in them having been taken down and put somewhere - possibly the garbage as Virgil had been the one to do it. 

“How do you deal with this?”

“I don’t know.” Roman shrugged helplessly, running a hand through his hair. “I mean, obviously I don’t with some things, like my bedroom and the corner seat, but the rest… I just… I’m used to it, I guess.”

“That’s not good!” Virgil complained, flopping over onto Logan and pulling a pillow on top of his face. Roman bit his lip.

“If it takes time for me, it’s gotta take time for you.” He pointed out, though he couldn't help but feel guilty anyway. A slow dawning crashed over him and he looked up at Logan and Virgil, who hadn’t answered.

“Is this why you guys started talking more about renovation and moving?” he asked incredulously. “Because this place makes you think of Patton?” 

“...yes,” Logan said softly, while Virgil just threw the pillow across the room before nodding.

“Oh.” Roman didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t thought of what they must be feeling - not like that. He knew they blamed themselves, and he knew Patton had picked this house with them years ago. “Well, why don’t we talk about it seriously then?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are all way too nice to me!!!!  
also, it has come to my attention that I can do whatever I want because I'm the author of this. So once this finishes I'll just post the ONe-shot and the first chapter of the sequel on the same day and I don't actually have to decide XD which is good because I didn't wanna disappoint anyone haha  
thanks again for being so freaking nice and reading this!!! it means a lot!!! Final chapter will come out sometime next week, and then I'll start posting the sequel! ^-^  
Love you all,  
-Coby


	18. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> OMG, LAST CHAPTER LAST CHAPTER LAST CHAPTER (of this book there's more of this AU mwahaha) Basically just a fluffy wrap-up to this angst-filled book haha. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> WARNINGS: PTSD mentions, anxiety mentions, rape/non-con mentions, Unsympathetic Patton, basically just mentions of everything that's been in this book so far so I dunno what to say.

Things didn’t work perfectly. They never had, especially for Roman. He didn’t expect them to. But Logan was right - they got better. Slowly, yeah, but better.

The nightmares continued, shifting between tangible events and just plain feelings of terror before Roman would wake up in a panic. But with the way they’d rearranged bedrooms, he was close enough to Logan and Virgil that they’d hear him and come to his aid.

Therapy was… an experience. Roman knew that he had a long way to go - as Remy loved to remind him with a playful grin and a latte. Picani did really help him, and when he wasn’t completely obsessing over cartoons, he still gave Roman some good advice. The characters Roman reminded him of extended past Lapis and Simba to Zuko, Katara, and Toph from ATLA, Leonardo from Ninja Turtles, Belle from Beauty and the Beast, and others Roman didn’t remember as well.

Then there was Patton.

Oh, how Roman wished he knew how to feel about Patton.

Mornings over the year had gone from peaceful breakfast conversations with him, to scared requirements that he help, to lonely hours where he’d wake up just as early, and attempt making breakfast by himself or sit at the table with a coffee, writing. He missed the old ones, where Patton would make pancakes and plan his lessons, without hurting Roman in the process.

They had some trouble finding a way to get Patton to leave them alone - and Roman finally went with Remy to file for a restraining order. That process took a very long time - but thanks to Remy and Picani knowing some of the people, it got passed. And Patton stopped showing up.

The year went on, and soon Christmas and New Years had passed and they hadn’t made a lot of progress outside of budgeting the move. No houses they fell in love with - and they’d looked at a lot. There was a lot of criteria. It had to be in town, with short commutes, and Logan wanted open-concept. Roman had to agree - the many walls in their house had become an enemy to him during the ordeal with Patton.

Then came the day when scrolling through websites, they came across a house on the other side of town.

It was a little bigger than the one Logan had bought years ago, and it was a little further from the office and Remy’s house, but they all agreed it was one to look at.

The bedrooms were all close to each other - even the master bedroom. Roman didn’t voice it, but that made him feel better. The others might have thought it as well, but he couldn't be sure. It was more open-planned, with fewer walls between everything, and that definitely helped it feel safer to him.

“It’s a big decision,” Virgil said, chewing on his fingernails as they talked about it in the living room. “We have to think about it. What if… I dunno, what if it’s haunted or something?”

“Haunted?” Logan asked incredulously.

“I’m anxious and trying to make excuses, just let me.” Virgil sighed, burying his head in his hands. “Sorry.”

“I don’t think it's haunted,” Logan said gently. “And we can sell this one to make up for some of the cost - and we have savings.”

“That’s true,” Virgil mumbled.

“And it has big windows!” Roman pointed out - something he’d been particularly fond of. “And a garden!” The garden was small, in the back corner of the yard, but Roman found the idea of homegrown food incredibly romantic - in the more traditional sense. Like an untouched haven. That, and he’d recently quit the bookstore job to work more on his writing - which had probably been enough to support him for quite some time. He just hadn’t bothered to check, putting it all into savings.

“I’m not gonna garden.” Virgil declared.

“I never said you would.” Roman huffed. “I want to garden.”

“We’ll have to decide soon,” Logan said, though it was clear he was trying not to stress Virgil out. “Do you have any specific grievances?”

“I dunno, I just…” Virgil ran his hands through his hair and sighed. “I want to move. I’m just also fucking terrified of change. So, I’m not going to be helpful at all.”

“Things won’t change that much,” Roman said helpfully. “Logan and I are moving too, and all our stuff will come with us. It’s not like you’ll be alone.”

“That’s... true.” Virgil nodded slowly, looking down at the pictures again. They’d already gone to one tour of the house - and this was really just the day they were going to decide. Yes or no.

“So, are we doing this?” Roman asked softly. “For real?”

“Virgil?” Logan glanced over, and Virgil finally sighed, nodding.

“Yeah, but I’m going to be in breakdown mode until we get moved in. Just a warning.”

“We can handle that.” Logan kissed Virgil gently, then turned back to the computer. “I’ll email them and tell them we’ve decided.” 

“This is so exciting!” Roman buried Virgil in a hug. “We’re gonna have a garden, and I’ll water it with the blood of my enemies!”

“Dude what the fuck.”

“I’m a hopeless romantic in many senses of that word.” Roman chuckled. “And I am ready to make sinister and edgy comments until you’re feeling like your fabulous Emo self again!”

“I don’t know how to feel about that,” Virgil confessed, pushing Roman away. Roman obliged, getting to his feet. 

“Feelings are a construct anyway,” Roman said, imitating Virgil’s tone poorly.

“Stop.”

“I fight the man.”

“Roman, please.”

“Begging will do nothing, Existence is futile.”

“Logan make him stop,” Virgil begged. Logan didn’t look up from his computer, instead just sighed.

“Roman, stop trying to be edgy. You aren’t good at it.” Roman gasped, clutching his chest in mock offense. 

“Logan how could you betray me like this!” he sank dramatically to his knees. “I’m wounded!” 

“Pain is a construct.” Virgil sassed, tossing a couch pillow at him. Roman caught it, lobbing it back. “Oh, it is on!”

“Wha-” Logan finally looked up only to have a pillow hit him in the face.

“Shit-” Virgil laughed, jumping over the back of the couch to hide behind it.

“Coward!” Roman picked up another pillow and threw it at Logan, who was sitting with a resigned look on his face.

“You are both children,” he informed them, putting his computer to the side and picking up the pillows. Roman laughed, ducking behind the chair. “I’m not throwing them, Roman. I’m picking them off the floor.”

“Oh.” Roman stood up and was blindsided by a pillow Logan threw at him. “Hey! Traitor!”

“Pillow fights have no teams,” Logan said cheerfully. “And therefore no traitors.”

“Incoming!” Virgil yelled, just as one of the larger couch cushions hit Logan in the back of the head and he stumbled, laughing softly. “Sorry, I thought you were looking.”

“Is this really what we’re doing right now?” Logan asked, yeeting the pillow in his hands back at Virgil.

“Unless you have any better ideas.” Roman chuckled, diving to grab the bigger one. Logan sighed, adjusting his glasses.

“I suppose I don’t. But one thing to note,” Logan grinned, picking up another of the cushions. “I do not lose.”

* * *

“It sure is different,” Remy noted, standing in the kitchen with his latte, pulling his glasses up to inspect the counter. “Newer, for sure.”

“That’s a little bit the point,” Roman said, rolling his eyes. “The old place was built in like… the middle ages.”

“Not entirely accurate,” Logan noted as he walked in with another box. “But it was very old. Are you two even doing anything?”

“We’re enjoying each other's company,” Remy said, throwing an arm around the kitchen. “It’s a necessary part of any big project!”

“We pay for the truck by the hour, though,” Logan said.

“Okay, we’re helping.” Remy put his latte down and started to the front door. “Geez.” Roman just laughed, following him out to where Virgil was glaring at the half-full u-haul that sat in the driveway. Almost as if he blamed the truck for the craziness their life had been recently.

“The muscle’s here,” Remy announced, jumping up into the back. “You guys sure have a lot of shit.”

“It’s called belongings.” Virgil snapped. “And we have three people, unlike you.”

“He’s just kidding around.” Roman smiled, spinning around to take Virgil’s hand. “May I kiss you?” Virgil nodded distractedly and Roman pressed a kiss to Virgil’s knuckles - as he was unable to reach Virgil’s face while he was standing.

“I’m just stressed,” Virgil muttered as Remy jumped down holding a box of pots and pans, clanking softly.

“We’re all stressed, my Chemically Imbalanced Romance!” Roman said grandly, climbing up into the truck. Virgil being stressed, he’d found, was a good excuse to be more extra. He always had been, but the past year had made it feel like he wasn’t himself. Now, with the guise of trying to make Virgil feel better, he could be as obnoxious as he wanted.

“Just… I’m fine.” Virgil sighed, finally shaking his head and pulling a stack of boxes from the truck. “Be careful, Logan’s books are around here somewhere.”

“I was born careful!” Roman declared, grabbing a few smaller boxes of kitchen utensils and jumping down. 

“I don’t think you were, actually.” Virgil chuckled, following him inside. Roman just made a face at him, joining Logan and Remy in the kitchen where Logan had opened and started to organize the dishes.

“Ah, good, you got the plates and bowls.” Logan took a box from Virgil and Virgil put the other on the counter. “Would you like to help organize instead of move boxes? It may relieve some of your… stress.”

“Sure.” Virgil sighed, shaking his head as he pulled a box open.

He’d been very stressed - though Roman had to admit they’d been warned. Logan explained that this happened whenever they moved or made big changes. Like when the company had first started growing - before Roman met them. And when they met Roman, though Roman hadn’t seen much of that stress.

“It’s a grand new adventure!” Roman tried to tell him to boost his spirits. “A whole new chapter of your life! Doesn’t it excite you?”

“It makes me anxious if that’s what you mean.” Virgil had just shaken his head. “I’m not the adventurous type, Roman.”

Now, Roman hoped he’d get settled soon. But until then, he’d just have to try and make the most of it.

“Come on, Remy!” He grabbed his friend's arm. “We’ll keep getting boxes!”

“You can’t tell me what to do.” Remy protested though he followed Roman out. 

They worked for a few minutes, bringing boxes into the living room and kitchen before he spoke again out by the truck.

“So how are you doing?” 

Roman paused, looking up from the boxes he was moving forward.

“What do you mean? I’m swell.” he claimed, wiping sweat from his forehead.

“Things have been crazy again.” Remy shrugged. “I just thought I’d check - I’m nice like that.” Roman laughed, shaking his head.

“I appreciate it, Rem. but I’ve been alright. I’m actually quite fond of change and adventure like this - especially recently.”

“Hm.”

“You know what I mean.” Roman sighed. “Because I’m not… I dunno. Hiding. Anything, anymore. At least from them, and you.”

“I guess that makes sense.” Remy mused, finally picking up another box. “You always were a strange one.”

“And I always will be!” Roman declared, joining him on the path up to the house. “You’re stuck with me, and I’m only going to get weirder!”

“Comforting,” Logan said from where he was unpacking dishes at the kitchen island. 

“That goes for all of you!” Roman added loudly. “The only way you can get rid of me is by force! Or bribery. It depends on how much we’re talking.”

“You’re talking a lot,” Virgil muttered. Roman chuckled and Remy laughed.

“Roasted,” Remy muttered. Roman elbowed him.

“We just have Logan’s books and a few other miscellaneous boxes, now,” Roman added. The personal boxes like clothing and special belongings had been brought in first - another of Virgil’s stressed demands. Roman hoped he started feeling better soon. 

“Why do we have so many fucking cups,” Virgil muttered under his breath in the kitchen, glaring at the box in front of him, filled with newspaper and water glasses.

“Do you want to take a break, darling?” Logan asked.

“No!” Virgil scowled. “Then we’ll never get done. Just let me complain in peace, okay?” 

“Alright.” Logan finished the box he was working on. “I assume you want me to get the books?”

“They’re heavy,” Roman said, following him out to the truck. “And yeah, they’re not  _ only  _ yours, but you’re stronger than me and Remy put together.”

“What?” Remy spluttered, offended. “Rude.” Logan just chuckled, pulling one of the heavy boxes out of the truck.

“You can take one if you like.” he offered it to Remy, who grudgingly accepted and winced. Roman grabbed one corner, helping him carry it into the living room.

“I let you help so you felt useful,” Remy informed him, inspecting the red marks the weight had left on his hands and arms.

“Well, it was appreciated.” Roman grinned.

“Who wants to bring the truck back?” Logan asked, adding his boxes to the stack. “It’s empty now.” 

“Not it.” Roman touched his nose and Virgil followed suit so fast he smacked himself in the face.

“Guess it’s you and me, teach.” Remy grabbed his latte. “You’ll need a ride back here.” Logan sighed, casting a playful scowl at Virgil and Roman before grabbing the keys and leaving with Remy. 

Roman went over to the kitchen, where Virgil was unpacking the last box of dishes.

“Do you want help?”

“Nope.” Virgil muttered, popping the ‘p’ very loudly. Roman nodded, seating himself on a barstool they’d put together from Ikea the night before. Virgil’s shoulders were hunched, but despite his obvious unhappiness, he treated each dish with incredible care and delicacy.

“Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?” Roman asked, smiling widely. Virgil shook his head, softly counting plates under his breath. “You are very beautiful. Gorgeous. The light of my life.”

“Stop,” Virgil muttered, looking away. Roman winced.

“Sorry, I just-”

“I’m not upset.” Virgil sighed, finally looking up. Roman could never tell when Virgil was blushing due to his dark skin and his affinity for makeup, but he could practically feel the embarrassment emanating from the emo. “Just… compliments.”

“I compliment you all the time!” Roman protested.

“Not when I’m already stressed - or over and over again,” Virgil complained, turning to place the stack of plates in the cupboard. “I just get… flustered, I guess. Even though I should be used to it - with you and Logan always insisting I’m amazing.”

“You are!” Roman protested. Virgil buried his face in his hands.

“Okay, Roman, I’m super stressed right now please,” he begged. “Once we get this done, you can… I dunno. Sing a ballad of your love for me - but if you do that again I’ll probably start crying.”

“Oh.” Roman winced. “Sorry.” Virgil just shook his head, returning to the island to get the last of the dishes.

“You’re just being nice…” he mumbled.

“I’ll clean up the newspaper!” Roman decided, getting up to gather the paper that had been strewn around. Virgil said nothing, just organized the dishes carefully in the cupboard.

When Logan and Remy got back, the kitchen was finished and the boxes and newspaper were piled next to the back door. Roman and Virgil had sat themselves on the couch - which to save money was the old one, with the corner of the sectional removed and placed as a chair in the corner to create two couches - and were unpacking and organizing the large amount of books. Most of them were Logans - about psychology or coding or science, or whatever. A large portion was fiction, though. Roman’s books and books he and Virgil liked to read. Logan did read fiction - just less than them.

“Looks like a party.” Remy flopped onto the other couch, pulling off his glasses. “You guys are really going at it, aren’t you?”

“Might as well get it done!” Roman said, echoing Virgil from many times that day. 

Virgil had fallen silent as they sorted books, focusing entirely on the ones in his hands and piles around him. Despite knowing him for over two years now, Roman didn’t think he’d ever seen Virgil like this. Of course, they’d never really had a big project like this before. He’d been stressed when leaving town with Logan, of course, but never like this. It was interesting to see him this way, and Roman didn’t know if he liked it or not.

Not in a bad way - he just didn’t like seeing Virgil so upset. Logan didn’t either, it seemed, as he went to stand next to Virgil with his hands in his pockets. Then he sat and joined them, and in the next hour, they’d organized the books and shelved them on what Logan dubbed ‘the wall of knowledge’ which Roman was definitely going to make fun of him for later. Once that was done - it being one of the last things they had to do, Virgil finally collapsed onto the couch and closed his eyes.

“Okay, I’m good.” he sighed softly. “Sorry.”

“Perfectly alright,” Logan said, smiling fondly down at him. “I’ll get you water and we’ll turn on a documentary.”

“Great.”

They spend the rest of the afternoon and evening like that, sat on the couches and floor watching Logan’s large archive of Space and Ocean documentaries. Roman found himself snuggling into Logan’s side, praying with all his heart no one mentioned it and made him think of Patton. No one did, and Roman let himself doze off knowing that he was - at least now - perfectly safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S OVER, ISN'T IT? ISN'T IT?  
No, not really.  
The one-shot that's set before this book will be posted later TODAY, and in a few days, I'll start posting the sequel! They're gonna be in a series, so you should be able to find them. Also if you just go to my profile... that'd work too. lol.  
Once again, thanks so much for all the support you've given me and this book! I loved writing it and I'm so glad y'all like it so much!!! ^-^  
Love you all,  
-Coby

**Author's Note:**

> ok so I know I'm the worst and I haven't updated A Thing Of The Past in decades.... but I have a reason?  
I started posting that WIP before I finished it and, as luck would have it, got MASSIVE writers' block for it. So I AM still working on it and I know where I want it to go - I just screwed myself over by doing that. But THIS book is finished so I can just post chapters on a schedule and I'll work on getting another of ATOTP out soon!  
Also, so no one freaks out if they use both sites, I'm also posting this on Wattpad but I recently realized that Wattpad has somewhat of a stigma for being.... only smut. and my audience isn't very big for this kind of fic. So yeah. No one's stealing. It's just me. <3


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